I am lieing on my bed listening to old records and trying to distract myself from the line up of pills that I have placed next to my bed. I am fighting the idea of taking them all. All I want to do is let go and just do it...make Nike proud. My mom confronted me the other day and accused me of being a drug addict. FUNNY. She says my behaviour is very different and wouldn't listen to my attempts of clearing my name. I am not saying I am completly innnocent. I have done some pot. But less than a dozen times and refused the numerous offerings of cocaine that I recieve. Every time I reach out to someone.....nothing. I feel that I have nowhere else to go and nothing is ever going to get better. If I don't do it now I might never do it. This I am not sure of though because every night is a struggle to push my dark soul tainting thoughts back to the depths that they came from. I just don't want to be here and struggling every day. I tried calling a friend....hehe. Life line? And there phone went dead. Is it a sign? Or am I just reading to much into things? I think I might just take the pills...Maybe I will get more drunk first...? I feel so utterly alone with no way out. I want to give up.