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I am lieing on my bed listening to old records and trying to distract myself from the line up of pills that I have placed next to my bed. I am fighting the idea of taking them all. All I want to do is let go and just do it...make Nike proud. My mom confronted me the other day and accused me of being a drug addict. FUNNY. She says my behaviour is very different and wouldn't listen to my attempts of clearing my name. I am not saying I am completly innnocent. I have done some pot. But less than a dozen times and refused the numerous offerings of cocaine that I recieve.
Every time I reach out to someone.....nothing. I feel that I have nowhere else to go and nothing is ever going to get better. If I don't do it now I might never do it. This I am not sure of though because every night is a struggle to push my dark soul tainting thoughts back to the depths that they came from.
I just don't want to be here and struggling every day. I tried calling a friend....hehe. Life line? And there phone went dead. Is it a sign? Or am I just reading to much into things?
I think I might just take the pills...Maybe I will get more drunk first...? I feel so utterly alone with no way out. I want to give up.
don't do it now, you have plenty of distance to go. don't smoke pot again, try to grow up positive and save yourself from going down. some people just aren't meant to be down and you are probably one of them. If you were fully grown and had no way of changing then maybe it would be time, but that is not your case at all.

try fixing everything in your life, go to church, avoid bad friends, pick a good job and career, and you can get yourself sorted.
also if you think that sleeping pills are going to do the trick you had best read this web site so you realise that you are more likely to make yourself brain damaged or liver damaged rather than kill yourself:

"Most suicides are drug overdoses, and many drug overdose patients reach the hospital in a coma. The danger in all drug overdoses is that the brain may not get enough oxygen. The airway to the lungs may get blocked off by the patient's vomit, or by the tongue falling back into the throat, or by drug-induced slowdown in the part of the deep brain that controls the rate and depth of breathing. Or the heart may seize and fibrillate -- all the heart muscle fibers quiver, but none in rhythm with each other. The blood doesn't move, so it doesn't take oxygen to the brain or carry away waste.

It only takes three to five minutes without oxygen to do permanent damage to the brain, starting at its most sophisticated sections. The memory is destroyed; the ability to read or speak is cut back. The longer it goes on, the more severe the retardation."

so don't do it, you'll regret it later.
James Mayo said:
try fixing everything in your life, go to church, avoid bad friends, pick a good job and career, and you can get yourself sorted.
I wouldn't advise this, as you'll probably get swamped and feel even more depressed.. Just take 1 day at a time, Induldge in the things you enjoy, Personally I find listening to my favourite songs cheer me up when I am down.

As for the phone thing definately reading too much into it - throw the pills in the bin and get some sleep :) see how you feel in the morning, maybe give your friend a call then?
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