Nowhere Else to Go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shadow223, Jun 20, 2009.

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  1. Shadow223

    Shadow223 Account Closed

    I have to admit, I've been on these forums for awhile but I've never had the courage to post anything. I guess I just feel guilty about my own depression because I come on here and hear everybody's stories, and nothing like that has ever happened to me. That's what makes this whole depression/suicide thing so damn frustrating to me: in the grand scheme of things I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'm a 20 year old dude, I play college football for a very competitive team, I get good grades, I'm president of my fraternity. But its all an act. On the outside I may have friends, but on the inside I am completely alone. Isolated. There is a raincloud over me all day, every day. And this is the only place where people might understand what it feels like. Getting out of bed in the morning is a straight up battle, and if I didn't have football to work get out all this aggression I dont know what I'd do. I don't even know what I hope to accomplish with this, its Saturday night I'm sitting at my damn computer and I've just had enough with everything
     
  2. Shadow223

    Shadow223 Account Closed

    I guess the main reason I came on is because tonight was the closest I've come to doing it. I had a longgg note written and everything. I ended up driving to the spot I picked and sitting there for 3 hours. I just cant put my mom through something like that, its the only thing that has stopped me. It has stopped me before and tonight it stopped me again
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Never feel guilty for feeling depressed.It's usually beyond your control. Perhaps a chemical imbalance could be to blame for your depression. Seeing a doctor would probably be the best thing for you, and perhaps a counsellor?
    I really hope you begin to feel better soon,and I'm positive that you will receive a lot of support here :) :hug:
     
  4. Shadow223

    Shadow223 Account Closed

    Thanks for the reply DaisyChain....I guess I shouldn't say I have no reason to feel like this, I mean I've had my fair share of things to deal with but who hasn't right?

    I guess it all comes out of having nobody REAL close that I can talk to, sure I have friends, but I dont have that close relationship with anybody....my girlfriend of 2 years left me over the winter, the one person I could always talk to, and she ended up with one of my friends. Former friends, I guess. I'm sure that didn't help anything, but I had been feeling this way before that happened. I guess it just magnified this black hole I call life. My family has no idea any of this is going on..and I dont plan on telling them. I dont have a good relationship with any of them, which brings me right back to this isolation. I've been on meds before, I just couldnt handle the side effects. Maybe I just need to give them a chance but I dont see medication making a difference. This all just needs to end
     
  5. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I often feel guilty about my own depression. Have you talked to a doctor?
     
  6. hotaruyuki90

    hotaruyuki90 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I was so close too, so maybe I can feel like I can understand you...

    Depression is something that is with me almost all the time, sometimes I think it's innate... But there was a time, culmination you can say, when I was really close to end this all ahit. But something stopped me.

    I had depressions from that time till today, of course, but now it's much easier to me to get better. Actually, I kinda like my little depressions now :biggrin: What I mean is, I wish you always have something to stop you too- mother, soccer- anything, and that from now on it can be only better.
    It's different than before, isn't it? Now you know more, you felt it...
    It's different now, so can be your life.

    Wish you luck
     
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