Nowhere left to run and running our of time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by neffie, Aug 22, 2013.

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  1. neffie

    neffie Member

    Please bare with me while I try to make sense of this to write it.
    I am 44 years old and have lived with a chronic illness for two years. I am now in constant pain all over which pain meds no longer help. the pain is unbareable but I could cope as I had a wonderful husband or so I thought.
    I moved away from all my family to be with this man before I became ill so am pretty much isolated as I am hundreds of miles away from anyone I know.
    I have now found out that for the past 6 and a half years he has lied to me constantly and is always either trying to get back with one of his exs or sitting on porn cam sites. I thought we had sorted it out but it seems he is now back to lying again. I cant live with him but I cant leave either as I cant do things for myself most days
    I know I am depressed and have meds for that as well. I am taking over 40 pills a day for different things but still have no quality of life. I just cannot see the point of going on anymore. I have lost everything I cared about and am in endless pain that the docs have said will get worse but there is nothing that can be done for it. I do not see the point of living if this is all I have to live for. I spoke to my doctor about it and her answer was there are so many suicides from people with my illness that she is not surprised I feel this way. No help there then

    I don't know where to turn as I know things cannot get better. My marriage is over but I still have to live in the same house, my pain is getting worse and I am getting less and less able to do anything. I just feel so lost. I cant eat, I have not slept in four nights now as just don't want to have to wake up. When I did sleep I prayed everynight that I would not wake up the next day and I have felt like that for about 6months but now I feel that it would be much better if I ended my life as I cant see a point of going on. I have cried for days on end which normally ends up with me feeling a little better but it hasn't helped and I am still crying writing this. I have nothing left, I have no life ahead of me just more pain and probably more emotional hurt. I just don't know where to go. I tried the Samaritans who actually said things will get better arrghh I am pretty sure they wont as even my doctor has agreed it will just get worse.
    This illness has also taken away my independence, my spirit and my friends as they disappeared when I could no longer join in with nights or days out.
    I know this is a long ramble but I am stuck and lost and just cant see any point in living any more
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you not call your family and get them to come and take you home hun where your are cared for They would want to help you hugs
  3. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Agreed with Total Eclipse, it's a good time to turn to your family and stay with them or one of them can maybe live with you. One time I had a really bad flu, the worst in my life. My entire body was in pain and I was suffering for 2 weeks. I seriously thought I had a disease or was going to die because of the excruciating pain and also due to how sick and weak I was. Eventually my body got over it and I became strong, healthy and pain free again. However if that was to be my permanent state and I'd never get better, you bet your bottom dollar I would end my life and I'm only speaking for myself-not advising anyone of anything.

    I've experienced other things in life which has made me put a low value on it. It's hard enough being able-bodied and healthy as I am-with all my faculties and no diseases. Yet I lack some very key things that would've made it worthwhile. I believe I can still attain them which is why I'm still around, however if I was to get a disease or lose my ability to function-then I'll be looking for the quickest and most painless ways to end it all. I recall I nearly suffocated twice from food in my life. I never felt any panic, just the end of breathing and the feeling that I'd eventually black out. Pretty easy way to go if one is in a tight situation.
  4. neffie

    neffie Member

    I wish I could turn to family but my mum has Parkinson's and my father has just been diagnosed with lung cancer so they have enough to deal with and there is noone else for me to turn to. I'm stuck. I feel as if my life has been taken from me already and I'm just an empty body waiting to die. I don't want to live like this as its not life. Its not going to get better and now I have lost all trust in the one person who kept me going I just don't see any point pretending any more. I literally have nothing to live for and am fed up to my back teeth of pretending I'm ok
  5. neffie

    neffie Member

    That is how I feel everyday of my life but some days it is even worse. I have excruciating pain from my neck to my feet. I have no energy at all and feel drained all the time. I struggle to eat as I cant seem to digest food properly, I am sick a lot, I sweat far too much all the time to the point I get dizzy even when laid down. Mostly though it is the never ending pain that is there all the time but with flare ups where it gets even worse. I cant take anymore of it. I have tried looking for the bright spot but I cant see one. I just sit or lay alone in pain without even having anyone I can really talk to. Its horrendous and I found this forum while looking up the kindest way to kill myself. By that I mean one that will cause less distress to the person who finds me. I don't want anyone else to suffer for my actions. I just want to quietly go to sleep and not wake up
  6. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Well-Known Member

    Are you able to access marijuana, either medically or off the street? Maybe this could alleviate some of the pain temporarily. It may not be the most socially-acceptable way but anything to end suffering is worthwhile.
  7. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    Have you separated from your husband? Please excuse my language, but any dirtbag who is cheating on their wives and leaving them alone to suffer--especially in your case--is an embarassment to men everywhere. I would recommend that you separate from him as soon as you can even though you may still have feelings for him, as he could be a possible source of stress in your life. It will hurt now, but in the long run you will feel a little bit better (and just feeling a little bit better is a lot better than feeling nothing at all). I have always had problems associating with people, much less getting to know and spend time with a significant other, so it irritates me the most when I see guys/men and girls/women mistreating their girl/boyfriends and husbands/wives in such a way.

    Are you capable of living by yourself? Or are you relying on your husband still?

    If you are capable of living by yourself despite your illness, have you thought of getting into video games? I've only just recently turned 20, but its been more or less my way of dealing with my depression through a good portion of my short life. It can help you deal with or escape from the problems of your life, and it can be a great solution to your loneliness. In my time playing online games, I have met many interesting people and actually stayed in touch with one of them to this day. Playing online games may be a solution to your problem. You can meet new people and maybe form some lasting relationships online with guildmates, or just other players. Many of the MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Games) out there are massive social networks that allow you to meet players of all ages from many parts of the world. Some people have even gotten married on such games. In addition, they would allow you to socialize and hang out with your online buddies--something that you cannot do in your current state. Now, instead of going out to the bar or a dance club, you can go monster hunting or dungeon crawling with guildmates.

    You may not be able to find happiness in this world for now (or forever), but I'm sure that perhaps you may be able to find just a little bit in the world of massive multiplayer online gaming. There, you have a beautiful new world to explore with other players. And I'll bet that if you keep at it long enough, you'll stumble upon new friends who you can talk with just as much as you used to with your friends in the real world. Society may judge you, but it seems like you could care less about what they think now. So, if you've run out of options, I would emplore you to at least look into this option before you decide to make a final choice.
  8. neffie

    neffie Member

    Not an option. medical usage is frowned on in the Uk unless you have MS. As for buying on the street, that is not an option as the only person I know sells skunk and even the smell makes me actually vomit.

    @Kurouin. Again not an option as to play these games you need dexterity in the hands and my hands don't work well now and too much movement causes unbareable pain. I really have thought of everything. I have tried sitting in a park and looking at nature which used to make me smile but now all I see is the rubbish thrown around and the vandalism. I think my mind is too deeply depressed now to see the good in anything or anyone. I have tried reading poetry a little ata time as was always a keen poet who adored poetry but now even that does nothing for me. The pain is so intense all the time it takes over everything in my mind and keeps my head cloudy (that maybe the meds which I cant change as I have tried so many these are the last ones left). I am going back to the doctor on Tuesday as need more valium anyway and will try and see a different one and explain where my head is at and how these feelings over take everything I feel at the moment
  9. BlackUnderground

    BlackUnderground Banned Member

    If this can give you some hints, do not make an issue if he sits on porno cams, males just like to do that, unless he has an addiction leading the both of you to a financial disaster due to the cost of these cam girls, leave him alone, try to imaginate if he goes to hooks, wouldn't it be worse? About meds, trust me they don't heal, else there would be none sick in this world, they just make you feel better, but the longer you take them the worse it gets. Going back to your family could be delusional, i don't know your relation with them, i guess you should see them a little often, but save them the troubles. Have you ever tryed to go to a psycologist? Not for meds, i mean those who deal with couple problems, he could help the both of you to settle out things, worse is the fact, as you said, he wants to get some of the girls back, and if this is true it means you wont have any future with him. If he refuses anything, not even giving a chance, what about leaving him? Best solution really would be going to see a psycologist, a good one, for couples, i've never been to one, i do not want to sound like an i know how to help you, but i have heard many stories about people who were going to divorce, starting with some i know in real life, and they did sort these problems. Ciao.
  10. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    What kind of disease do you have? It is alright if you don't want to share, but I was just a bit curious. There are some games out there that require very little dexterity at all. Although, seeing as I am not living with your disease, I could be just taking things for granted. I apologize. Nonetheless, you seem to be able to type well enough on a keyboard, and usually that is good enough for many MMORPGs out there. You might not be able to play more intense games like Call of Duty or Street Fighter IV, but it seems like you need a more social outlet rather than a competitive one.
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