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Nowhere To Go. Need Help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SlowShow, Sep 2, 2008.

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  1. SlowShow

    SlowShow New Member

    This is going to be a long post. I was kinda looking for a chatroom, or something similar where I could vent and be heard right away, but I guess this means I can't do anything stupid till I get a reply. I don't really know what I want from this; help, to talk about things I can't tell anyone else, someone to tell me to carry on, probably just to talk and know that I'm not totally alone.

    I don't really know where to start. I think about killing myself every fucking day, my life is a mess, I hate who I've become, I despise myself all the time, yet I have a wonderful family who would do anything for me (and who would be horrified if they knew...), I have lots of friends, most of whom I've known for 10 years plus who would never expect this of me.

    I'm 28 and I feel life has passed me by. Almost all of my friends are married or in stable and secure relationships and I envy them so much. I've never had a relationship with a woman and I've had sex once, with a prostitute. I get inexpicably nervous every time I speak to a woman, and tend to fall into insane unrequited crushes anytime someone smiles or talks to me. The one thing I want more than anything is to love and be loved, yet I seem so far away from it.

    An example would be a lady I currently work with. She's friendly, pretty and intelligent. After a week I developed an obsession which involved fantasising about a future life we'd have together. When I see her I can barely speak, and I know that when she engages me in conversation she is just being friendly, and she treats me no differently than she treats anyone else, yet I can't shake the feelings.

    I have a long term gambling problem (which I've managed to hide from all but my closest family and friends), and I know deep down this is some form of self-medication, to try and make me forget everything that is shit about my life. The only time I fel alive is when I gamble, and it needs to be enough to produce euphoria after victory, or depression after failure. This has resulted in me losing a months wages on payday on more than one occasion, yet I can't seem to stop.

    I have lots of friends, but I feel like I'm drifting away from them all. Most of the time I feel like we're friends of convenience more than anything else. I've known them all my life, but we have nothing in common really.

    I dropped out of university after 2 years of a Philosophy degree. I have an IQ of 155, but I spend my time in a dead end job that offers no intellectual stimulation and doesn't challenge me whatsoever.

    When I was younger I had fantasies that involved me being some kind of hero, and living a wonderful life with the girl of my dreams. I'm not even in my own fantasies anymore, I'm too old. My fantasies involve the younger version of me, before I fucked everything up.

    After reading this back, it feels like an exercise in self-pity, and that my problems aren't 'that' bad. I'm just lonely I suppose. But I spend every waking alone moment imagining my own death, and ways in which I can do it. I've discovered my belt isn't really suitable. My life seems to be one great big failure that I can't overcome. I imagine horrific car crashes and rail accidents, and it absolves me of the blame factor were I to kill myself.

    Story over. Thanks for reading.
  2. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I know you say things aren't "that" bad, but the truth of the matter is that you only live your life and that's it. It might not be that bad compared to some people but to others it might be like wow that's pretty sad. I hope everything works out for you...might want to work on the gambling because that can lead to a deeper depression when you lose. My grandmother has been gambling since the death of my grandfather, and it definitely does not make life any better or easier. You can still find someone, just need to work on confidence women can see if a man is confident or not.
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