This is going to be a long post. I was kinda looking for a chatroom, or something similar where I could vent and be heard right away, but I guess this means I can't do anything stupid till I get a reply. I don't really know what I want from this; help, to talk about things I can't tell anyone else, someone to tell me to carry on, probably just to talk and know that I'm not totally alone. I don't really know where to start. I think about killing myself every fucking day, my life is a mess, I hate who I've become, I despise myself all the time, yet I have a wonderful family who would do anything for me (and who would be horrified if they knew...), I have lots of friends, most of whom I've known for 10 years plus who would never expect this of me. I'm 28 and I feel life has passed me by. Almost all of my friends are married or in stable and secure relationships and I envy them so much. I've never had a relationship with a woman and I've had sex once, with a prostitute. I get inexpicably nervous every time I speak to a woman, and tend to fall into insane unrequited crushes anytime someone smiles or talks to me. The one thing I want more than anything is to love and be loved, yet I seem so far away from it. An example would be a lady I currently work with. She's friendly, pretty and intelligent. After a week I developed an obsession which involved fantasising about a future life we'd have together. When I see her I can barely speak, and I know that when she engages me in conversation she is just being friendly, and she treats me no differently than she treats anyone else, yet I can't shake the feelings. I have a long term gambling problem (which I've managed to hide from all but my closest family and friends), and I know deep down this is some form of self-medication, to try and make me forget everything that is shit about my life. The only time I fel alive is when I gamble, and it needs to be enough to produce euphoria after victory, or depression after failure. This has resulted in me losing a months wages on payday on more than one occasion, yet I can't seem to stop. I have lots of friends, but I feel like I'm drifting away from them all. Most of the time I feel like we're friends of convenience more than anything else. I've known them all my life, but we have nothing in common really. I dropped out of university after 2 years of a Philosophy degree. I have an IQ of 155, but I spend my time in a dead end job that offers no intellectual stimulation and doesn't challenge me whatsoever. When I was younger I had fantasies that involved me being some kind of hero, and living a wonderful life with the girl of my dreams. I'm not even in my own fantasies anymore, I'm too old. My fantasies involve the younger version of me, before I fucked everything up. After reading this back, it feels like an exercise in self-pity, and that my problems aren't 'that' bad. I'm just lonely I suppose. But I spend every waking alone moment imagining my own death, and ways in which I can do it. I've discovered my belt isn't really suitable. My life seems to be one great big failure that I can't overcome. I imagine horrific car crashes and rail accidents, and it absolves me of the blame factor were I to kill myself. Story over. Thanks for reading.