Nowhere to turn. Hi.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Detergent, Jan 5, 2012.

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  1. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    Hey there.
    I didn't imagine I'd join a forum like this; I was pretty set on suicide and figured nothing would make me change my mind. I guess I just want things to work out.

    Anyway, I'm 22, from East Midlands in UK, just become unemployed again. I've recently been denied diazepam and CBT so I have no medical help through this. I have no hopes for the future.
    Because of my own idiocy and depression, I chased away the 2 most important people in my life. I've been trying to turn my life around for them, but without them I have no reason to bother. It's hard finding the drive to succeed. If they don't allow me to fix things, I won't keep trying to succeed. There's no point.

    I just want things to go back to being good. I hate myself so much for everything. I don't know what I can do.

    But yeah. Hello everyone, I hope we get along. <3
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun welcome to SF Is there any community counseling that is free you can attend You change and your friends will return but then if they were true friends hun they would not have left you I think you will find alot of understand people here who won't up and leave you hugs
  3. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    Hi, thanks for the welcome. There's no therapy I can really get at the moment, the only thing available was the cognitive behavioural therapy and I got rejected for that. I think it's something I'll have to get through alone.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi detergent.
    Welcome to SF. I hope you find that this is a space in which you can work through things and find some answers for yourself. We're a friendly crew and you'll always find people to listen here :hug:
  5. Baldr

    Baldr Moderator Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to SF, Detergent
    I hope you this place will help you as much, or perhaps more, as it helps me :)
  6. enfys

    enfys New Member

    Hi I am a newby too......
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello detergent.. welcome to Sf.. sorry the health care system has pretty much abandoned you now.. wish that wasn't the way it is.. look around this website.. read some posts , maybe try out the chatrooms.. lots of good people on here and also a lot that just might understand some of what you are going thru now.. tc, Jim
  8. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    Hi Freya. Thanks, this place seems like a good place to be. :)

    ---------- Post added at 06:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:33 PM ----------

    Hey Baldr, thanks. I think it will be helpful for me. I guess we'll see. :D

    ---------- Post added at 06:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:35 PM ----------

    Hi Jim. Yeah, I guess that's just the way it goes. It's a pain, but I'll have to get through it. :(
  9. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Hi detergent, just wondering who is it that you chased away? It is my personal opinion that if you truly love someone or care about them, you should stick with them through their problems. Of course if they absolutely refuse to try to get help, you do have to let go at some point, but you seem to me like someone who does want help. If those people chose to leave, you're better off without them anyway. Now you can surround yourself with people who won't give up on you and will be there...and not just through the good times.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Is there not any online therapy you can do hun it is a fraction of the price of one on one therapy It seems alot of people are going that way because of anxiety issues they are able to stay home and get therapy from therapist on their computer just a thought
  11. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    Hi. He's sort of a more-than-a-friend-but-not-quite-boyfriend type of person. He hates the term "friends with benefits" but that's basically what it is for him.

    I've been trying very hard to get better, if only for him. I want to put things right again. Thing is, he doesn't ever put in that effort, he just bails. He also says he doesn't want to get close to me because he doesn't have faith that I will get better, so he doesn't want to bother trying. And, he refuses to be supportive - something about it not being his responsibility (to be a good friend??) and having respect for himself.

    He says there's nothing I can do to get him to change his mind, but I have to have hope that I will change his mind, or there's no point me even trying to get better. It'll be too much for me to go through this alone.

    It makes me sad. I like him for some stupid reason, even though he's just run away. Again. I can't keep going knowing that it's my fault - my stupidity and uselessness - that have caused me to lose the only person left who makes me happy.

    EDIT: I forgot I mentioned 2 people, not 1. The other person is my ex. He promised he wouldn't leave, and we would at least stay as friends, but recently he claimed that talking to him gave me panic attacks, so he has left too.
    People shouldn't pretend to be there for you if they're just going to leave when you need them most. It just makes it worse.

    I'm not sure, I don't know much about online therapy. I can't really afford to pay for therapy anyway, the CBT I was meant to get was free.
    It sounds appealing doing it online though. I hate having to talk to people, makes me feel so uncomfortable.
  12. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Oh hun, you shouldn't settle for just a "friends with benefits" type deal when you want someone to care about you. It's much more worthwhile to throw all the scum to the side and wait for the right guy who wants to be in a relationship and love you. Friends with benefits is the easiest way out of a commitment for a guy while still being able to get laid. I know you've grown attached to this guy and there are probably some good qualities to him but he obviously doesn't want to commit himself to anyone or anything. Not to mention, he sounds damn selfish abandoning you because he's not sure if you'll get better. He doesn't seem capable of caring about someone. Seems too busy focusing on himself. Believe me, there is better than that out there. Have you been diagnosed with anything before?

    And about the ex, it's very difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with an ex. It's really best not to bother and move on with your life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2012
  13. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    Yeah, he used to say he wanted the same things I did. I gave up a lot in order for us to have those things. He even called me his girlfriend once... then a couple of days later, said we weren't together. Confused me and messed me up a lot.

    Since then, he's been on and off about what he wants. "ultimately, I want to be in a relationship", "I don't want a relationship with you", "I miss you", "I have better things to do", etc. It's like a goddamn yo-yo.

    I don't really know why I feel so attached to him. We fight a lot, and he's the type to get real personal and scathing in an argument. If he's feeling merciful the next day, he'll say he didn't mean it. But then he'll just say it again later on. It just kills me.

    He always accuses me of being selfish. Then, last night, he actually admitted he was only looking out for himself. I don't even know.

    I've been diagnosed with moderate depression, that's it. I suspect there's more to it though, because I just seem like a sodding nutjob. I don't think people aren't normally as unbearable and stupid as me without having some kind of problem.
  14. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well, I have a personality disorder myself and the fact that you're not quite able to stand up for yourself and you're more of a submissive type of person (but only if, of course, you're always like this, not just in this particular situation), could mean that you have a personality disorder (maybe Dependent Personality Disorder) in addition to the depression diagnosis. I'm not saying if you do or don't, that would be something to see a doctor for, but if it really goes on all the time with everything you do, sometimes it's just evident with or without a doctor. Like, my having BPD was evident to me long before I got diagnosed. But it depends. Like I said though, he seems like a total douchebag to me. You really should try to let go of him. And the ex. I added that to my last post too, but was a little slow, you already responded lol.
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