okay, will make the story short, but please pay attention to the "do not say/suggest these useless things" bit at the end. Am a single mother with no family support. No, I do not know why they're selfish and horrible people, but there you go, they had charmed lives and now would rather enjoy themselves than help any of their kids or grandkids, seem to feel no shame in the fact that their own parents knocked themselves out to help with kids, spend time, help with house payments, etc. I have an 11-year-old and she's seen each of my parents twice in her life. I have no time/money for travel, they do, but they've decided other things are more important to them. I work all the time. Will go back to work when I'm done writing this. I don't have time or money for a social life. I have had horrible and traumatizing relationships. Two boyfriends ago killed himself; last boyfriend...too much to discuss now, but was deeply troubled, ambivalent, has in the end hurt me deeply. Eventually some of them come back around apologizing for having been such tremendous assholes to me. Too late. I think that will be it for me for relationships. AT this point in life the single men appear to be in bad shape themselves and on the desperate side, that or mean or eternally childish. Am extremely bright and talented, attract professional attention, but in the end I don't have the freedom and energy/time necessary to take advantage of the opportunities offered. They're for well-supported people who can travel and do as they please with their time. I'm not that. I work poorly-paid jobs because those are the ones that accommodate a single mom's needs for flexibility and intermittent uselessness. Likewise it's extremely hard for me to find people who are a good match as friends/mates. Will not argue but if you must you can go read things about social problems of the extremely gifted. I just can't find many people to talk to who are similarly bright/talented, and those I find tend to be broken and deeply scrwed up themselves. Attempts at friendship with others doesn't go well; they're intimidated, I'm desperately bored after a little while, to the point of physical discomfort. Deep friendships don't form there. I don't have time to do anything well, including be a mother. I know I am not giving my daughter what she needs; she's bright and articulate and can name what she lacks herself, and does. There is no one else who will help. I have averaged 5-6 hours' sleep a night for most of a decade. In general, there is no one else who will help, and that's been true her entire life. I am very tired and have lived in psychic pain for years. I don't care anymore about the time I used to hold out for so that I could rest and live and use my talents after my daughter is grown. I can't kill myself because it would damage her so, but it occurred to me -- a horrifying thought -- that someday she may have children, and then I'd be trapped living. Please do not suggest: - that I go for therapy. I've been many times. All I wind up with is pity, which is painful. Therapists cannot change realities that are ongoing and are not likely to stop for another decade. They're good for people whose problems reside mainly in their own heads. - that I get more sleep. I'm not an idiot. I have thought of this. There are things called mortgages and groceries that keep me doing freelance work until 2, 3 am. - that I ''make time" for socializing. Repeat: I'm not an idiot. When you invent a time-creating machine, let me know. As it is, I don't get everything done that needs to happen to keep basic things like dental care, working car, decent food, camp forms, kid activity registration forms, work tasks, house cleaning for basic hygiene, helping with homework, laundry, lawnmowing so the city doesn't fine me, etc. taken care of. I am one person. Do not invent spare time in my life and then decide it's real. - that I pay people to do these task for me, unless you're going to send the money to pay these people with. - that I "find better relationships". Thank you, Sherlock. - that I look deep within to discover why my family's abandoned us. For that you can blame them, not me. - that I "summon strength", because really, wtf do you think I've been doing for the last forever. I'm worn out now. - that I "get a better job". Again, like this has never occurred to me. I'm in the best situation I can find. - that I "ask for help". Not unless you're going to come mow the lawn for the summer and run errands. - that I "be less hard on myself". Man, do I hate this one. This isn't about "being hard on myself". It's about a state of abandonment and longterm exhaustion from doing the miniumum to keep us going. - that I try social services. Where these still exist, they're for the destitute. It's a very bad idea to be destitute with a child if you can avoid it. I've avoided it. I'm not eligible, not that there's much to get in the first place. - that I be proud of what a great mom I am. The bar for "great mom" on helpy sites appears to be "is not on drugs and shows up routinely". I don't think that's so great. - that I'm so strong and brave. That's a horrible cruel thing to say to someone who's been carrying far more than they can for a long time. You wouldn't stand back and applaud a pack animal loaded till its back was breaking and say how brave and strong it was, you'd be horrified and rush to help it. - that I try chat lines. I've been doing this for years and it often makes things worse, when I can get through. - that I have a better attitude. I had one for years. The filament burnt out. - that I look for online communities. That kept me going for years but the one I clung to fell apart. I thought maybe facebook people were friends, but they're wrapped up in their own lives and far away, and frankly none of them understand what my life is like despite my narration. They're fortunate people. There is no one I can talk to, and no one has useful advice or practical help. I see no realistic prospects for things getting better/easier. Thoughts of suicide plague me all the time and I fear that one day it'll creep up on me and it'll all be over within a day or two. back to work.