nowhere to turn.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by calliope, Mar 12, 2014.

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  1. calliope

    calliope Banned Member

    okay, will make the story short, but please pay attention to the "do not say/suggest these useless things" bit at the end.

    Am a single mother with no family support. No, I do not know why they're selfish and horrible people, but there you go, they had charmed lives and now would rather enjoy themselves than help any of their kids or grandkids, seem to feel no shame in the fact that their own parents knocked themselves out to help with kids, spend time, help with house payments, etc. I have an 11-year-old and she's seen each of my parents twice in her life. I have no time/money for travel, they do, but they've decided other things are more important to them.

    I work all the time. Will go back to work when I'm done writing this. I don't have time or money for a social life.

    I have had horrible and traumatizing relationships. Two boyfriends ago killed himself; last boyfriend...too much to discuss now, but was deeply troubled, ambivalent, has in the end hurt me deeply. Eventually some of them come back around apologizing for having been such tremendous assholes to me. Too late. I think that will be it for me for relationships. AT this point in life the single men appear to be in bad shape themselves and on the desperate side, that or mean or eternally childish.

    Am extremely bright and talented, attract professional attention, but in the end I don't have the freedom and energy/time necessary to take advantage of the opportunities offered. They're for well-supported people who can travel and do as they please with their time. I'm not that. I work poorly-paid jobs because those are the ones that accommodate a single mom's needs for flexibility and intermittent uselessness.

    Likewise it's extremely hard for me to find people who are a good match as friends/mates. Will not argue but if you must you can go read things about social problems of the extremely gifted. I just can't find many people to talk to who are similarly bright/talented, and those I find tend to be broken and deeply scrwed up themselves. Attempts at friendship with others doesn't go well; they're intimidated, I'm desperately bored after a little while, to the point of physical discomfort. Deep friendships don't form there.

    I don't have time to do anything well, including be a mother. I know I am not giving my daughter what she needs; she's bright and articulate and can name what she lacks herself, and does. There is no one else who will help. I have averaged 5-6 hours' sleep a night for most of a decade.

    In general, there is no one else who will help, and that's been true her entire life.

    I am very tired and have lived in psychic pain for years. I don't care anymore about the time I used to hold out for so that I could rest and live and use my talents after my daughter is grown. I can't kill myself because it would damage her so, but it occurred to me -- a horrifying thought -- that someday she may have children, and then I'd be trapped living.

    Please do not suggest:

    - that I go for therapy. I've been many times. All I wind up with is pity, which is painful. Therapists cannot change realities that are ongoing and are not likely to stop for another decade. They're good for people whose problems reside mainly in their own heads.

    - that I get more sleep. I'm not an idiot. I have thought of this. There are things called mortgages and groceries that keep me doing freelance work until 2, 3 am.

    - that I ''make time" for socializing. Repeat: I'm not an idiot. When you invent a time-creating machine, let me know. As it is, I don't get everything done that needs to happen to keep basic things like dental care, working car, decent food, camp forms, kid activity registration forms, work tasks, house cleaning for basic hygiene, helping with homework, laundry, lawnmowing so the city doesn't fine me, etc. taken care of. I am one person. Do not invent spare time in my life and then decide it's real.

    - that I pay people to do these task for me, unless you're going to send the money to pay these people with.

    - that I "find better relationships". Thank you, Sherlock.

    - that I look deep within to discover why my family's abandoned us. For that you can blame them, not me.

    - that I "summon strength", because really, wtf do you think I've been doing for the last forever. I'm worn out now.

    - that I "get a better job". Again, like this has never occurred to me. I'm in the best situation I can find.

    - that I "ask for help". Not unless you're going to come mow the lawn for the summer and run errands.

    - that I "be less hard on myself". Man, do I hate this one. This isn't about "being hard on myself". It's about a state of abandonment and longterm exhaustion from doing the miniumum to keep us going.

    - that I try social services. Where these still exist, they're for the destitute. It's a very bad idea to be destitute with a child if you can avoid it. I've avoided it. I'm not eligible, not that there's much to get in the first place.

    - that I be proud of what a great mom I am. The bar for "great mom" on helpy sites appears to be "is not on drugs and shows up routinely". I don't think that's so great.

    - that I'm so strong and brave. That's a horrible cruel thing to say to someone who's been carrying far more than they can for a long time. You wouldn't stand back and applaud a pack animal loaded till its back was breaking and say how brave and strong it was, you'd be horrified and rush to help it.

    - that I try chat lines. I've been doing this for years and it often makes things worse, when I can get through.

    - that I have a better attitude. I had one for years. The filament burnt out.

    - that I look for online communities. That kept me going for years but the one I clung to fell apart. I thought maybe facebook people were friends, but they're wrapped up in their own lives and far away, and frankly none of them understand what my life is like despite my narration. They're fortunate people.

    There is no one I can talk to, and no one has useful advice or practical help. I see no realistic prospects for things getting better/easier. Thoughts of suicide plague me all the time and I fear that one day it'll creep up on me and it'll all be over within a day or two.

    back to work.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. You post is very inspirational in you have answered most points yourself. From the post the only thing you need to inspire and keep you going is your child as it needs you everyday. Life is tough but sometimes it just a case getting through one day at a time. Take care and respect. Please keep posting.
     
  3. calliope

    calliope Banned Member

    no, you miss my point. my daughter is a beautiful human being but she doesn't fill me with inspiration to carry on. In fact if there were someone else around who'd step in and do a reasonable job of raising her I'd be gone. I wouldn't remember what an asinine thing that is to think, that she'd be happy with some better mother; of course she'd be permanently damaged by my suicide. I'm merely terrified of what would become of her and what it'd do to her life if I killed myself. These are two very different things, inspiration and dread.

    One day at a time, watching the ship sink day by day by day. It's great. Actually it's nice advice for a temporary thing. It doesn't work after a decade, I find. Maybe you can live for someone else for that long, with no rest and nothing for yourself, and having it rubbed in your face that the rest of the world would be perfectly cool with your falling through the cracks, but at this point I'm down to reminding myself mechanically that no, that would be a bad thing, that would hurt her.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2014
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I agree with your reasoning but sometimes you need to take a step back and consider the impact. Yes, the ship sinks deeper everyday to which I can relate to. I agree that times get tough everyday and you do not see any point in life. The only thing that keeps me going I wake up everyday breathing day and get to fight another day. In my case, I'm taking one day at a time. It's mentally tough but I'm still here. We all go through life with dark moments but we must strive to overcome these.
     
  5. calliope

    calliope Banned Member

    I didn't say there's no point in life. There's plenty of point in life. For people who aren't chained to a machine and worked to death. I am saying I am near the end of being able to take it. I'm not depressed, I don't hate myself or the world, I am just deeply exhausted and utterly isolated and have no freedom to have joy. The world around me is cruel and uninterested in helping.

    More exhausting: trying to make myself understood. It seems to me I write in perfectly plain English.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are exhausted we hear that you are tired of holding on you have nothing left to fight with hell ya i hear you im there right there with you but what hell else can we do when we have people that needs us to stay what can we do we just take what is in front of us deal with it and get on with the next thing You say you have no supports well reach out to community you are in and get some What community resources are there to help you so you can rest and not be so tired
     
  7. calliope

    calliope Banned Member

    yeah, this is why coming to fora and the like wind up being a dead end. you say in perfectly plain english, "I have no time to participate in community anything, please do not invent time and shoehorn it into my life and pretend it's real", not to mention "nobody is interested in helping us," and then you get people saying, "reach out to community!"

    I don't get it. I put all the words down and everything.

    Honest to god, this is why looking for help is so exhausting. You tell people what's going on, and they ignore it and put in whatever's already in their heads, then insist that their version of your life is the right one and that you must be trying to be miserable.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    omg no one can tell you what to do and there is help out there just it take dam hard work to find it and i am sorry if we do not have the answers because we are struggling just as you are and we are staying each day the best we know how. All we can do is tell you how we do it and if you do not want the advice then that is your choice

    Get on the phone a call children services your community leaders there is support but hell you have to make it know you need it because if you slipping through the cracks then you are not yelling loud enough to make them notice you.

    we are all fighting ok and i am sorry we are not up to par in helping you but no one knows more then you i guess. i fight ever fffff day to stay here for my child like you i am afraid of what will become of her if i leave so yes sometimes we have to live for others and when we cannot then we bring ourselves into the doctors or hospital and get supports put in place so we can stay and not leave the ones who count on us behind

    you told us what is going on many of us are going through same dam thing time for you to take whatever you want from what is posted and use what ever you want to get help for you

    don't tell me there is none there is you are just not looking in right places
     
  9. calliope

    calliope Banned Member

    oh thank you, stranger who apparently knows all kinds of secret things about my life that are hidden even to me, the person living it.

    What do you think, I haven't looked for help and shaken every available tree? Multiple times? People do not give a shit, how do I make that plain to you? You live in Canada, that's nice, there's more resources available to you. Here things are pretty ugly.

    And no, the hospital is not an option, because then everything falls apart while I'm in. I don't get to take a vacation, I'm the only one making things go here.

    Sorry your life is tough too, but if help is what you want to offer, open the ears first. "Help" that insists I have options and resources that I don't, and won't, have is worse than no help at all, and discourages me from trying again. Because all it does is confirm that nobody wants to know what's going on here: they just want to yell the things that keep them going, themselves.
     
  10. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    sounds like you just want someone to hear you crys for help, well I heard you , mission accomplished <Mod Edit - Acy>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2014
  11. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    So, what's really going on? *Listens quietly.*
     
  12. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I haven't read any of the other replies, but..... FWIW, I think I "get it." I really do.

    Normally I'm not in a state of mind to read or reply to others' threads, but yours caught me on the hover with the "do not say/suggest these useless things" bit at the end. I mean, I liked that...

    Especially the one about strength. I am also so sick of hearing about strength, being expected to be strong - being told I'll "be that again." I don't want to be. When is it okay to not be strong?
    My back broke a billion times. I'm past getting up. I get it. (But I think you missed the "exercise more" advice...lol)

    Socializing/giftedness - I think I get that, too. I recently found a book called The Gifted Adult by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen. In it, she talks about how the brain of the gifted person works differently - that it's not just a "quantitative" difference (as in, "more smart") - but a qualitative difference. And that as adults it's very, very difficult to find a place to fit in the conventional world. (Then she has some sort of self-work assignments but I didn't do them, lol - I didn't read that far, so I can't say whether they are different from all the other blahblahblah out there, or not.)

    Time, and energy/other resources (I have some physical challenges) are also my enemy and I feel that pressure intensely. (Actually I think in that book she mentions the time pressure as a commonality.) I hear "other people manage it" and I really can't. Great for them, but I can't. And that becomes "my fail." I need a drastic change - in the way my world operates - and I hear you do, too.

    Also another resource about giftedness and despair, etc. you might want to look up Eric Maisel and especially his "Rethinking Depression." He also has a lot of work about the creative/talented self and meaning.

    I've come to see the world from a very different angle than others do, and so most of the time am not understood about it.

    I don't know if this is what you experience, but my psychic pain is at this point like a nightmarish feeling at all times. I feel there is no help for it except to magically change the world in ways it cannot be changed. It's so beyond-frustrating...to deny oneself in order to survive. I'm a person whose creative talents are the only thing that have life meaning to me. I need to become basically an entirely different person in order to survive monetarily, everything becomes about survival and supporting others - and this persona can't coexist with who I am authentically. So I backburnered my self and my talents too long. Decades. Have a bit of experience with that.

    I think it's a very different kind of pain than some others feel...

    But I have a feeling...... that the projects I'm working on (if I complete them, which is the only reason that means anything for me to be alive, really)... I have a feeling that when & if I complete and produce them, you may feel less alone. And maybe there are more of those of us who feel those ways... So in a way - you are helping me by validating that there are others like me and for whom I should publish. Which - I know - does not help your pain at all, right now.

    But I think I get where you're coming from, and so I think you're not alone. Even to what you say about "living for" and your daughter, it's how I feel as well. I don't have answers, and I know that nobody has answers for me either - it's like an endless loop.

    So all I can do is hope you might feel less alone in the "nobody gets it" territory. The perspective is very different from most. And also - re: the obvious solutions that people give (yeah, I feel condescended-to a lot - like I wouldn't have thought of that?!?) I know all the cliches and the trite "wisdoms." You're doing your best and it's very, very painful, and it's too much when everything is on your shoulders and you can't just be. And you're supposed to magically pull yourself up from your bootstraps when there don't seem to be any ways to do that. (I'm talking in the generic "you" - not "you" personally, because I can't know you feel that way.)

    Anyway, I hope there's been something worth offering in what I've said. I'm in a very bad place myself, so all I can say is what I've been trying to do... I really, really really understand the "no time" thing - I've been battling it for I-can't-tell-you-how-long, but I think the only road to an answer is to somehow find a way to use at least some of your talents in the now. And I know that's a catch-22. To find a really-outside-the-box solution, while being trapped within a tiny, tiny little taped-up package that's buried deep within that box.

    Maybe you can even enlist your daughter's help in finding ways to carve out time that's just for you. She's getting nearly old enough to see you as your own person with your own needs as well, and she might also be able to offer you her perspective. Also maybe think about more ways she might be able to help out with the basic things in life. For instance, I was doing my own laundry from at least age 7. Are there any household tasks that would help you, that she could be doing? Growing up, we kids did most of the household stuff - not my mom (who worked full-time). It may not be a "big thing," but maybe a chance to offload some of the life responsibilities by engaging her as a partner, especially around the house. She's old enough, and maybe that could help give you some mental space in which to psychically breathe.

    Of course, feel free to ignore everything I've said. I only really meant to say that I hear you, so I apologize if I rambled stupidly...
     
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    calliope, hi - and pleased to meet you. I hear and feel your pain, believe me. I can see that you've thought it all through and that there are zilch options left. I can offer my friendship, for what it's worth, as someone who was raised by a single mum 40-50 years ago - so I can identify with your daughter too. I'd just like to be your friend and have you talk to me, because although the world is a cruel and uncaring place, there are still people who genuinely still love others and want to reach out. I hope I won't write any platitudes to you - just offering a hand here :)
     
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