I don't feel like a complete person. I am not a full human being. I know this is illogical. How can I be a subhuman human? How is a human anything less than a human? How did I end up with this self-view. I am so drenched in my own shame. Shame over what? I had a very secretive life. Even as a small child, I was training myself to keep secrets, tell lies, hide hide hide. I just hide it all. It came naturally to me, hiding my self-injury. I wonder how much my self-injuring has directly led to me feeling so much disgust toward myself. And yet, I can't give it up. I welcome it. I love it. I did it earlier tonight, for the first time in almost a month! I thought maybe I would have had it by now, been done with the habit. But, it always returns. It doesn't matter how many good nights I have, how many victories. It doesn't matter how well I do to keep the razors away most nights, I always end up doing them at some point. I don't think I've really accomplished anything if I can't stop. Say whatever you want, whatever platitudes or small words of encouragement, no matter how true they are, how deeply life-affirming and healing, it doesn't seem to touch me. I don't think I'm capable of feeling that warmth toward myself. I will probably cut more tonight. I just don't care right now. It doesn't matter. I will just do whatever I want, and the rest be damned. No one will know...and if I promise myself to be better after this cutting "binge" I'm planning, I'm sure I will feel enough revulsion toward myself to do something differently. The problem is that it's a cycle. I go in and out of it constantly. I will cut for a while, then stop. Immediately, I use food or alcohol, or some kind of other substance. I am always messing with my body and my health. I am probably slowly killing myself with the cigarettes, but I often use them to keep me from cutting. Now, I'm not even going to judge anymore. whatever urge I have, I will allow in for now. I need to see what I really do feel. does that make sense? I can't work with myself if I can't even feel! Cutting helps me to feel sometimes. and I can't feel. I can hardly even think. Bleeding brings back memories.