Numb and half-dead

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by metamorphosis17, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I don't feel like a complete person. I am not a full human being. I know this is illogical. How can I be a subhuman human? How is a human anything less than a human? How did I end up with this self-view. I am so drenched in my own shame. Shame over what?

    I had a very secretive life. Even as a small child, I was training myself to keep secrets, tell lies, hide hide hide. I just hide it all.

    It came naturally to me, hiding my self-injury. I wonder how much my self-injuring has directly led to me feeling so much disgust toward myself. And yet, I can't give it up. I welcome it. I love it. I did it earlier tonight, for the first time in almost a month! I thought maybe I would have had it by now, been done with the habit. But, it always returns. It doesn't matter how many good nights I have, how many victories. It doesn't matter how well I do to keep the razors away most nights, I always end up doing them at some point. I don't think I've really accomplished anything if I can't stop. Say whatever you want, whatever platitudes or small words of encouragement, no matter how true they are, how deeply life-affirming and healing, it doesn't seem to touch me. I don't think I'm capable of feeling that warmth toward myself.

    I will probably cut more tonight. I just don't care right now. It doesn't matter. I will just do whatever I want, and the rest be damned. No one will know...and if I promise myself to be better after this cutting "binge" I'm planning, I'm sure I will feel enough revulsion toward myself to do something differently.

    The problem is that it's a cycle. I go in and out of it constantly. I will cut for a while, then stop. Immediately, I use food or alcohol, or some kind of other substance. I am always messing with my body and my health. I am probably slowly killing myself with the cigarettes, but I often use them to keep me from cutting.

    Now, I'm not even going to judge anymore. whatever urge I have, I will allow in for now. I need to see what I really do feel. does that make sense? I can't work with myself if I can't even feel! Cutting helps me to feel sometimes.

    and I can't feel. I can hardly even think.

    Bleeding brings back memories.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can only hope you have some professional help to teach you how to replace all those coping skills you use now with ones t hat bring you healing instead of harm hun hugs
     
  3. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Ugh...but I was seeing someone. Remember your negative opinion about her? Best T I've had so far...and she's pretty worthless as help.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I used to SH because I felt that was the only way to feel alive...it was as if I did not count and did not exist, except to be in pain...if the therapist you saw was worthless, then there are two ways to approach the situation, find someone who you relate to, and show up...therapists can only treat what they are present, and if you keep secrets there, they cannot be as effective
     
  5. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I tell them more than they ever deserved to hear. I usually tell them more than they want to hear or can cope with. I seem to upset their peace of mind.

    Great for the self-esteem :p