Numb and Lists

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sofie, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I have been this suicidal in the past and recognize the stages that I go through with familiarity but I am starting to get where I haven't been before. The numbness that I feel is becoming more intense and I can hardly focus on things for long at all. My work is suffering a little but not much because I am determined to get things in good shape before I go. I have made lists of things to do and information my husband will need. The list of to do items is fairly short, it is amazing how little there is to do really. The biggest thing is purchasing something that I do not want to purchase until I am 100% sure so I guess a little bit of me is still not sure or know I will be done immediately after I get it - self control is nothing I am good at. I have things simplified for my husband as much as I possibly can. At this point, to stay sane, I have to just not think about what this will be like for him for awhile and focus on making it as easy as possible. Controlling what I can control.

    On the ironic side, my request for a referral to a psychiatrist won't be happening -- the only psychiatrists that are covered by my insurance within my area are with my mom's workplace and I cannot go there. And neither of the two priests that I emailed three weeks ago for some information have responded to me in the least. I am a big one for signs and those seem pretty clear ones to me. :)
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Sofie, you've been through this before and it got better. How about holding on a little longer. I know I can't talk you out of this or even try, I wish with all my heart I could. I just don't want to see you go and leave those you love and love you. Please reconsider. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for peace and that you get well.
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that you are feeling that numb. Like Brian said, you've been through this before and gotten out of it. Can you hold on for another day? A week? Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Maybe he can help you out. Please don't take those as signs to follow through - take them as signs that you need to go somewhere else for help. Please be safe. No one here wants to see you go.
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Thanks for the responses @lightning05 and @Brian777. This place has become the one place I can let some of this out and that helps keep me functional right now.

    No, I have not told my husband that I am suicidal. It would scare him too much and he would do anything he could to make sure I couldn't do it. There is no point to telling him because it will serve no good.

    There is no where else to go for help, in terms of a psychiatrist. I have an appointment with my counselor on the 21st and the week before that my husband and I are going out of town for a short trip. I want to make the trip really great for my husband, then I will decide if I should bother with the appointment or not. It is already paid for because I accidentally overpaid before but I also don't want to go in there and just sob the whole time/make myself look like a walking disaster. Just keep on keeping on for a bit.
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Sofie, I'm glad you get some relief on SF it helps me so much too. You're such a kind and caring person and we want you you to stay. Things can change so quickly, especially feelings, I hope your feelings change from pain and suffering to peace and joy. Take care my friend
  6. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Thank you Brian...I mean no disrespect by this but everytime I hear/read things like what you wrote above, I have to laugh. I am not a kind person, nor a caring person. I am not sure why people think that I am, other than they don't really know me. If people were in my head and knew what I was really like, well, lol....I know your perspective would be far different. But thank you for saying such nice things anyways.
    Brian777 likes this.
  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Lol.....I feel the same way about my self Sofie :) you come across that way. Take care
  8. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Hi Sophie, I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. Can you hold on a bit longer to give different medication and counseling a chance to relieve your distress? Can you find some reason to hold on a little longer, for your sake and for your husband? Can you pay out of pocket for a psychiatrist and more counseling sessions? You do seem like a caring person since you're trying to take care things before you go but I'm sure he'd want the opportunity to help you and have you be here. I really hope things get better for you.
    Brian777 likes this.
  9. nresteiner

    nresteiner Member

    I'm so sorry that you are having trouble finding a psychiatrist, that can make a big difference! I also get not wanting to tell your husband, I am the same way with not wanting to tell my family about my thoughts. I hope things start looking up for you soon.
  10. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Hi Sofie. If it ever gets to that point of acquiring your final ingredient, please consider your husband. If he is a genuine and good man, you should make a last ditch effort to tell him and see what happens.

    I've never been married but when I was 18 my best friend all through school killed himself. I am 31 now and if I had 1 wish it would be for a time machine to save his life. No amount of fame or fortune would make me happier than to see my friend again and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

    You can always come here and vent about the bad cards you've received in life. Please remember you are never hopeless while someone truly loves you.
    Jenumbra likes this.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That's a fib :p You were kind to me a few days back when I made an error, you blamed yourself and put me first. So yes, you are a caring person and I think you're pretty smart. I also think you should open up to your husband at least a little, if it doesn;t help it doesn't help but at least you will have tried *hugs*