I have been this suicidal in the past and recognize the stages that I go through with familiarity but I am starting to get where I haven't been before. The numbness that I feel is becoming more intense and I can hardly focus on things for long at all. My work is suffering a little but not much because I am determined to get things in good shape before I go. I have made lists of things to do and information my husband will need. The list of to do items is fairly short, it is amazing how little there is to do really. The biggest thing is purchasing something that I do not want to purchase until I am 100% sure so I guess a little bit of me is still not sure or know I will be done immediately after I get it - self control is nothing I am good at. I have things simplified for my husband as much as I possibly can. At this point, to stay sane, I have to just not think about what this will be like for him for awhile and focus on making it as easy as possible. Controlling what I can control. On the ironic side, my request for a referral to a psychiatrist won't be happening -- the only psychiatrists that are covered by my insurance within my area are with my mom's workplace and I cannot go there. And neither of the two priests that I emailed three weeks ago for some information have responded to me in the least. I am a big one for signs and those seem pretty clear ones to me.