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Numb, soon to be a lost one

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Unseen morph, Oct 5, 2007.

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  1. Hello all,

    This forum seems to be one of the last good options out there. Right now my suicidal feelings are stronger than before. I'm a 23 year old male who suffers from manic depressive mood disorder in addition to a slight case of schizophrenia. Recently I"ve had a lot of setbacks that have just snowballed these feelings. Its become so bad that its hard for me to even smile naturally. An attractive girl can even smile at me directly and i'd show no emotion. Anyways, it all started when i moved down here to Georgia twelve years ago. I had a lot of adjusting to do and I believe that lead to my depression. Basically my school years were hell since my class weren't the nicest people around. The area where i reside, top name brand fashions and spoiled rich kids are abundant. In addition to dealing with the people, my academics weren't top notch either in high school. Of course, my parents never understood until the inevitable happened. All that pressure finally exploded. I broke down and was admitted to a hospital for a few days. It wasn't much of a difference there, just a different type of hell.

    Alcohol and drug abuse soon followed, until that caught up with me :sad:.

    I've had all the help possible after being released, but it just seems like im fighting a losing battle. Through four years of being diagnosed late, i've seen a psychiatrist, taken and switched so many medications. Currently im not on meds because I hate the side effects. One of the medications actually was one factor in having a serious car accident. Things academically in college were going great for a while until i hit another bump. My alcohol conviction actually was one cause of me not being admitted into my program along with other issues. I"m 23 now and schoolwise, i haven't met my major goals. I've come a long way, but I feel i haven't made any progress in life so far. It has just been a set of numerous blights. Sometimes I wonder, what did i do to deserve this?

    To further aid in my depression, I found out that I have an eyesight disorder, Kerataconus that could blurred my vision severly. I have it corrected temporarily, but soon I"ll need corneal transplants. This disorder caused me to be demoted from my job for a period of time, time loss, and loss of my self confidence/self esteem. I've been told not to compare myself to other people, but its hard not to. I look around me and everyone else is progressing while im constantly crashing. Its gotten so bad that i hate to hear good news about people progressing academically or in any other way. All i'd like to do is become successful and make my parents, along with myself proud. Yet, I feel like a failure. I'm just frustrated and irritated to hell. Being bipolar has caused so many complications in my life. My sleep patterns are abnormal, im seeing things, talking in my sleep, having severe mood swings and feel like im turning into a monster. My character is changing drastically, turning me into a bitter person. Most people hardly know that im putting up a front. I may seem happy, but deep down inside; im numb. I tried to relax and memories of my horrid past ran through my head. Those thoughts gave me a weird physical feeling in my heart. A feeling of hurt.

    To all who read this long story, thank you. Your input might make me just take a step back from the cliff...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2007
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice for you, just a :hug:
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey, I'm sorry things are so rough for you now and I'm glad you posted, I hope you find the support you're looking for. I suggest you take each day as it comes and work from there. If your parents know what you're going through hopefully they are understanding and wouldn't think of you as a failure. You have a lot going on and things ain't exactly easy for you. You say you've seen a psychiatrist, are they helping you at all? If they're not maybe you should consider seeing another one. Here if you want to talk. :hug:
  4. yes were all here for you if you want to talk.
    just take each day as it comes, and be patient with yourself.
    im sorry to hear what has happened to you, and i hope with the strength of yourself and those around you (including us!) you will get through this. no matter how tough things get, you just have to keep telling yourself you WILL get through this. life is a rocky rollercoaster, and though you may think that everyone around you is progressing and things are going well for them, but they are a small minority. life is hard for so many people all over the world, and we all have the strength and bravery to pull through, and i belive in you!
  5. newname4me

    newname4me Member

    I know how your feeling....you feel like you take a step forward and 2 steps back getting no where, i understand you depression and you not meeting your goals in life. BUT when your this depressed making it out of the bed/couch is a achevment in it self. I have also learned that almost all people put on a front to make them look like something there not. I bet that most people in life are having a hard time dealing with things the only difference is they have the energy to hide it.
    Dont beat yourself up over how other people look and do because chances are they dont have a handicap like you/we/I do.
    stop and think before you jump off the cliff
  6. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist a while ago, but im planning to see another one. Ironically, even my own mother told me I wasn't the same person she saw when i exploded. My parents weren't understanding at all until i had the breakdown. Sometimes I feel its still that way currently, although they know im trying. I'm stubborn and try not to think of my mental disorder as a handicap. Also I believed that I can overcome it by myself; I guess im wrong? Today success, by college means is drilled into youth's head. Some individuals undergo a lot of pressure and crack. I read in an article that suicide among college students are on the rise. This doesn't really surprise me. I'm assuming at that time, a trigger forced me into the low spectrum of mania.
  7. newname4me

    newname4me Member

    Heres another little thing I learned, people cant and wont know how your feeling inside intill you do one of two things
    1. talk about, but good luck getting that to happen I know I just wanted to be left alone
    2. you snap, you do something unexpected something way out of left field like explode with anger or do something dumber...
    people may knowtice you acting weird or different but who could guess that it would turn out to be depression
    If you CAN get through this on your own then go for it but chances are you wont; I tryed and tryed to kill myself....
    And you are right about triggers, I had many leading up to me cracking.
  8. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I'm glad you're planning on seeing another psychiatrist, I think that's a good idea. I understand what you're saying about pressure being put on students to go to uni/college and the raise in suicide cases, unfortunately, that makes a lot of sense. The fact is you don't always need a degree to get your 'dream job'. People leave school with little or no qualifications and they start low and work they're way up to better jobs with decent wages, so if you can't get into a course you want then that doesn't mean you can't make anything of your life. :hug:
  9. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you've said, as far as many of your emotions go. I dunno how to help though, unfortunately =(

    And also, I live in Georgia, too, and I too moved here (seven years ago, for me) from a different location. I understand you completely when you say you come from an area with a lot of spoiled rich kids - most people I have met from out-of-state seem convinced that Georgia has nothing but rednecks in it, but that's not true. Many people I've met here can be some of the cruelest, most spoiled rotten rich-kids you'll ever meet. But others can be very nice, in that southern-Georgia kind of way.

    Take care,
  10. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hello my friend. I know what U are going through as I have experienced many of these things. It does get better though, please believe me! The feelings of numbness U are referring to is what I used to feel as well. Do not worry, these are phases in life everyone goes through and U will recover from this!
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