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Numb Storm

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I'm sitting in my room, with my tea infront of me, slowly cooling down as I listen to my music and slowly but surely block my mind out and produce a numbing me. Why is it that I sit down and watch the same repeats on tv, and I know I am watching them because of reasons to not focus and look at my problems?

It feels like no problems exsist. I don't feel, yet I feel so much about me. I feel nothing about life, but I feel about me. To the point where I swallow everything that is of any experience and filter it so it is about me instead of how it is as the individual aspect of life. I've destroyed so many difficult to reach bridges, I've created horrible walls of reactions. I put myself in tedious and dangerous situations, that are not dangerous to myself but to others and offer support and end up being the one who makes it about me. Need to drink some tea, otherwise, why make it? Why waste an aspect of something? Careing about what you do and how you are is part of everything. But overboard, defining, questioning depth thinking is so easy once you have it, even if you are incrediably uneducated, once you question, sometimes you forget that at a point there is a time to accept and make that your acceptance point. Then I scratch my neck slightly, just enough to dwindle my line of thinking. I've got it in the act, but after a decade of using such a tactic, the simple nature of a scratch, one individual nature, its igniteing desire. A desire to do more, pulling my thinking of whats at hand to what wants to be at hand. I want to ravage my neck till I know that if I scratch anymore I will proper bleed everywhere and suffer the pain tommorrow. And to over explain such a feeling is further pulling me away from the point of what I dare not and out right refuse to look at, my problems.

Just enough, just one simple thing, and I am out of it. Focus? Such a simple word. How far will I hold on and go? 1 minute? the moment? Forever? How much does a moment of love and words mean to me? Everything. Yet I cast them aside for my personal feelings. The fine balance for how others think, putting yourself before another... dont know why i just wrote putting yourself before another but ok.

I mean. I donno.If i go into this Ill be spilling what ive been doing my entire life. Scratch my arm now. Maybe if you watch my train of thought, you'll see how I spiral out of control. I'm trying to keep it aligned, focused, but my world in my mind is out of control, it's in need of focus, drive, confidence, acceptance, that word used when you put others before you, being perceptive to the world around you, accepting that the world around you exsists. And it does. I, just know it does. "Just know", isnt that a term for some form of blurred exceptance that is implace of the clear crystal yet somtimes holeish knowedlge and understanding? In my mind, I would rather know something in crystal and have holes in it and learn and discover those holes, then to have a blurry truth and build off of it. But suddenly, I'm telling you what I want, and not writing. Writing to you, the viewer, the person that for this very moment in time, I have some attention of. I don't really write it for you, it, it should be this, but in my state this has become it, and I am ... just spewing bullshit, finding a pathway, any pathway so i can ramble on about anything. Scratch. Ah sigh. scratch. I want help. help me. tell me what to do. fix me. kill me. i dont want to be like this. i want to be who i can be, someone i know i have the capacity to be. i just ...ug. fuck that whineing crap. how on earth am i going to ever stand on my own two feet if i dont learn to look at myself in a constructive way. Am I a tool or am I me? Fuck it the most simple answer ever, I am me. Yet, heh, sometimes i look in a mirror and i feel pressed up against myself, but i dont know who i am. IM making shit up now i think. what the hell is wrong with me.

panic ramble. Loss of control. Letting loose some pressure. comes out in chaos. Easy to control it on the internet, make its release look soft. In life, out there with people, its blocked, until I take something the wrong way and
. (scratch) im sleepy now. should go to sleep. scratch. bleeding a bit now. arm wants more. i want to never think again. im fucking useless i cant

Yeah i can. If i put my mind and know what I want, and challenge every feeling that negatively defines the current state i am in, and I make the Choice to not be that, and I know I can and will be more, and take those steps then i can make it over this mountain of lava.

Right. Thats one way. My way. I have to do it this way. but i let go. I fall down to my own thoughts. My own inabilities to do certain things. Maybe I should make a list? scratching the elbow on the right arm. MAYBE I should fucking stop scratching eh? yeah, the person i love the most in my exsistence has pleaded with me to stop, yet what do you know, still scratching. scratching like fuck now. should i explain what scratching is to me? my theories? I fucking am sick of writing this shit now. fucking waste of time.

scratching my cheek. makes me focus on me, makes me feel pain in a way. makes me feel alive maybe? back of my neck now. here lets fucking do some metnal destruction. lets turn on some heavy music, create a mental situation with aspects from real life and merge the two and create a dillusion with the ability to seep into your own mind and make it your world and own the moment to create feelings and emotions to reach a mental climax that is fake all around but the beliefe factor fucks everything up. ah fuck it, why not, ill never make it out of here. ill never help her properly. im just so fucking useless. Ill get back to this thread later. maybe in 5 minutes when this song is over, or maybe a bit more.


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for some reason im not closeing my eyes and accepting it. im not makeing my dillusion. i can, if i focus on it. i want to .. i really want to... but for some reason im not exactly doing it.... musics on repeat... its kinda like sliting ur mind apart.. kinda sick of fake... but i want it....

lets try it again. if i want to destroy my emtional state and confuse myself. i better fucking know how to pull myself out with rational truth. fuck im not going to sleep tonight. im not participating in destroying peoples lives anymore. not those i love more than anything. words words wrods FUCKIGN words! MEAN SOMETHING U FUCKING WORDS...

... they mean who i am, yet they dont stick. got to make the mstick. i know what to do just never stick to it ,, , , need to stick to what i say i know what i need to do and when i dont know i know how to figure it out or i can just ask for help just ask just ask just ask just ask oh amybe thats a problem right there gof i dont know who gives a fuck eh hdsFHF stop typing

how the fuck can i trust any of you? any of you people, any single person? even those i love? how the fuck do you know my core? I dont even get it. i cant hold my house of cards up, the core cards are rotten and just damn confused. what am i talking about i donno those damn things u learn as a child and grow off of, well im either without them or ive corrupted them. and how do i know that , i dont , im just spewing a wall of defenceive webbing instead of being specific enough to proper look at what is off and branch off of somethign that is possible to work off of so i branch off of possibilities and dillusion and spew rational expressions atleast to myself but in truth i am completely off my fucking cracker

well maybe not off. just completely empty. i gotta change this song.


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sigh. just added more songs. another problem. dont listen to myself, it bounces off. i have walls to myself. weird. im letting the flow of a song dominate me. but its more like catching a wave. jump on, flow with it, and make damn sure u dont let it overload u, and use the time you have to the best of your abilities. i dont know if im wasteing time or burnigng through crap so i can get to something constructive, but im sick ofjust sitting, saying things, and not doing them, going to work, saying things, and returing to a pit of nothing. im sick of pulling people along, giveing the mfalse hope. im sick of giving myself false hope. im sick of lying about everything. im sick of failing at everything before i begin, in essence im sick of shooting ymself down with teh possibilities and percieved perception i dillusionally create and then fear(scratch) stopping me from even continueing. im sick of seeing an ending for a situation and stopping when in truth it ... i donno.. songs gone slow now... sigh i ve royally fucked up this body, this mind, this life. scratching my skull now. so negative. wheres the positive? wheres the hope? I dont know where is tand with myself. i need to figure out where im hiding. waste of time u all may say, but something in me is always crying out, why the fuck did u do that, it bleeds when i harm those around me, so to me, thats me, and im damn well going tofind me, even if its in a pit of emptyness, if i can find me i have feet, even if they are broken, its better then being here but being far away from yourself.

so what? my focus is finding me? fucking self centered eh. maybe, in this moment in time, when im alone, maybe its the best i can do right now. maybe its not self centered.

loseing it though, the focus feeling ,the connecting feeling that leads me to me. like a pulsing beacon. its fadeing . i want to scratch my neck, i want to do something. it seems exciting and climactic expressions or truths bring me out but fake lies and produces fake mes . i know as a kid i hated fake. i hate fake still. why do i create fake? is it to give myself a contrast? an understanding kick or a boost tthat i need? maybe its a side effect of taking drugs and this is theconsquence of myactions? maybe im just swpewing possibilities of a question or are these simply possible answers to a question that i refuse to look at? New song.....

I used to take drugs and listen to intense music, proper seep into it. Atfirst, the music was the substance, with random(scrtch) aspects brought out as the players and scenes of my playground, but now its so close to the reality of the truth, and me (scratch).... nevermind. much rather seep into this song and fuck in fake instead of tell people i know nothing ABOUT .. even those i love? no one can understand me. only I can. No one has the energy to understand me. yet in saying that how the fuck dare i define you all, simply speaking if i believe that i am the only one who exists, or I am the strongest person for me. Well yeah ofcourse i am, everyone is for themselves. but, ... what i attatch to each thought, its like a clean thought has to havea negative to it. I gotta take a break


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mm something soft... something calming.. better then going beserk with expression where you are trying to say something but expressing it two steps constantly ahead of yourself. fragments are so bad, cause they still form a line, but that line is so off to what it truly is, and you spend so long trying to say what it really is, all in all liveing the destructing you have created by being such a way with expression. letting loose on others without the care in the world because you have lost crucial careing points for yourself, myself.. scratch.. here and there are different from eachother. at this point icare about me and in another i care about me on such a different level that the care is in turn a poison of despair to those around me, and then in another turn , the care is so deep that to truly care about myself i should end myself, but in turn, being me, i made sure that i never walked down that path, cause i knew id figure my small problem out. . . . yeah... over a decade later... scratch.. . . and i still refuse to focus . im not kidding. i refuse to focus on my life, with an eagle eye. ill generalize it over a decade, or a section, or a area, but a time, a moment, will be countered by a generalization. why say this instead of trying to simply sepcifiy? well, i have my ways of falling back into a blurry world, and im, needing to specify my tactics to myself, and for some reason, here, i can, atleast in this moment. wether or not i hold true to whatever i find, or learn, or grow, or break down, remains up to me. as always. as it should be. as i want it. "cause id rather fuck it up for me then for me and others". scratch

lets change the song eh, proper dont want to adjust. paint it black. mm why not. got more tea too... yeah the whole loser conceptual thinking concept i used to throw at myself just, na i dont give two shits really anymore. kinda tried to pop up again, but, u know what, u can think what you want, cause trust me, it doesnt matter in that defineing regard what you think.


Possibilities, they are amazing things. If you can apply them, and learn how to adjust the intensity of them, and .. why the fuck am i saying you. UG!
here in lays anotehr fucking problem! lets list it. scrtch. thinking I know so much about a concept that I can offer fucking advice on it. U wanna know something, im the last person that should offer advice, scratch, I gotta change this song its worn out its welcome.

Right. whats my focus? Can I remember? scrstch. to find me. right... to find me eh. . . ok.. so how does one who lives in a blurry shitty expressional vision world find himself? well, what do I know. Start with that I guess. Oh but the truth is painful... mm or just too hard to remember? or maybe it would actually mean fucking moving forward. Suddenly i want to go to sleep. Riiight... even explaining that is a diversion and a way for me to slip my mind into a secondary track away from a strong possibility that maybe i can give myself some fucking substance to stand on and quite possibly work off of. All the chaos is there, just cause its blurry doesnt mean it isnt there. I have to stop generalzing what isee into blurry, but im scared to fracture my line of thought. if its blurry, why challenge that. its blurry scratch.. but blurry to me is so many things bunched together and moving so fast and producing so much crap, scratch that i cant focus on it. well im glad i finally accept that, kind of... still in a blurry world... and la dee fucking da this song has also worn out, fucking repeitition its like a .. dont really have anything to compare it to as.... its just ..something i can bitch about instead of focusing on what i sxhould be.

mmmm new song... so ..mmm i work better when i can bullshit around stuff... specific .. na.. im like a two year old... "ohhhh... ahhh!".. .right.... well, i can take that a few ways, but in the end, the truth, i am who i am, and i wont be able to grow or stand up unless iaccept what i do, and either leave or try and grow. so if i sound incrediablly , scratch, stupid and young and nieve and stupid, and yeah, well.... there you go. still... havent said anything specific.....


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Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave


And to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united
Healthy or insane

And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
Be yourself is all that you can do

Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose..

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can--
Be yourself is all that you can do
























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