I'm sitting in my room, with my tea infront of me, slowly cooling down as I listen to my music and slowly but surely block my mind out and produce a numbing me. Why is it that I sit down and watch the same repeats on tv, and I know I am watching them because of reasons to not focus and look at my problems? It feels like no problems exsist. I don't feel, yet I feel so much about me. I feel nothing about life, but I feel about me. To the point where I swallow everything that is of any experience and filter it so it is about me instead of how it is as the individual aspect of life. I've destroyed so many difficult to reach bridges, I've created horrible walls of reactions. I put myself in tedious and dangerous situations, that are not dangerous to myself but to others and offer support and end up being the one who makes it about me. Need to drink some tea, otherwise, why make it? Why waste an aspect of something? Careing about what you do and how you are is part of everything. But overboard, defining, questioning depth thinking is so easy once you have it, even if you are incrediably uneducated, once you question, sometimes you forget that at a point there is a time to accept and make that your acceptance point. Then I scratch my neck slightly, just enough to dwindle my line of thinking. I've got it in the act, but after a decade of using such a tactic, the simple nature of a scratch, one individual nature, its igniteing desire. A desire to do more, pulling my thinking of whats at hand to what wants to be at hand. I want to ravage my neck till I know that if I scratch anymore I will proper bleed everywhere and suffer the pain tommorrow. And to over explain such a feeling is further pulling me away from the point of what I dare not and out right refuse to look at, my problems. Just enough, just one simple thing, and I am out of it. Focus? Such a simple word. How far will I hold on and go? 1 minute? the moment? Forever? How much does a moment of love and words mean to me? Everything. Yet I cast them aside for my personal feelings. The fine balance for how others think, putting yourself before another... dont know why i just wrote putting yourself before another but ok. I mean. I donno.If i go into this Ill be spilling what ive been doing my entire life. Scratch my arm now. Maybe if you watch my train of thought, you'll see how I spiral out of control. I'm trying to keep it aligned, focused, but my world in my mind is out of control, it's in need of focus, drive, confidence, acceptance, that word used when you put others before you, being perceptive to the world around you, accepting that the world around you exsists. And it does. I, just know it does. "Just know", isnt that a term for some form of blurred exceptance that is implace of the clear crystal yet somtimes holeish knowedlge and understanding? In my mind, I would rather know something in crystal and have holes in it and learn and discover those holes, then to have a blurry truth and build off of it. But suddenly, I'm telling you what I want, and not writing. Writing to you, the viewer, the person that for this very moment in time, I have some attention of. I don't really write it for you, it, it should be this, but in my state this has become it, and I am ... just spewing bullshit, finding a pathway, any pathway so i can ramble on about anything. Scratch. Ah sigh. scratch. I want help. help me. tell me what to do. fix me. kill me. i dont want to be like this. i want to be who i can be, someone i know i have the capacity to be. i just ...ug. fuck that whineing crap. how on earth am i going to ever stand on my own two feet if i dont learn to look at myself in a constructive way. Am I a tool or am I me? Fuck it the most simple answer ever, I am me. Yet, heh, sometimes i look in a mirror and i feel pressed up against myself, but i dont know who i am. IM making shit up now i think. what the hell is wrong with me. panic ramble. Loss of control. Letting loose some pressure. comes out in chaos. Easy to control it on the internet, make its release look soft. In life, out there with people, its blocked, until I take something the wrong way and . (scratch) im sleepy now. should go to sleep. scratch. bleeding a bit now. arm wants more. i want to never think again. im fucking useless i cant Yeah i can. If i put my mind and know what I want, and challenge every feeling that negatively defines the current state i am in, and I make the Choice to not be that, and I know I can and will be more, and take those steps then i can make it over this mountain of lava. Right. Thats one way. My way. I have to do it this way. but i let go. I fall down to my own thoughts. My own inabilities to do certain things. Maybe I should make a list? scratching the elbow on the right arm. MAYBE I should fucking stop scratching eh? yeah, the person i love the most in my exsistence has pleaded with me to stop, yet what do you know, still scratching. scratching like fuck now. should i explain what scratching is to me? my theories? I fucking am sick of writing this shit now. fucking waste of time. scratching my cheek. makes me focus on me, makes me feel pain in a way. makes me feel alive maybe? back of my neck now. here lets fucking do some metnal destruction. lets turn on some heavy music, create a mental situation with aspects from real life and merge the two and create a dillusion with the ability to seep into your own mind and make it your world and own the moment to create feelings and emotions to reach a mental climax that is fake all around but the beliefe factor fucks everything up. ah fuck it, why not, ill never make it out of here. ill never help her properly. im just so fucking useless. Ill get back to this thread later. maybe in 5 minutes when this song is over, or maybe a bit more.