Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Tenenbaum12, Jul 24, 2015.

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  1. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member


    I'm Kelly. I'm in my twenties. I have a BA in Psychology (not a healthy choice for an undiagnosed depressive with a likelihood of an array of other disorders, by the way) a 3.8 GPA, no career to speak of, and a great deal of trouble with social relationships.

    My estranged father suffered from bipolar disorder til his 50th birthday, when he was struck by a car in Las Angeles and passed away. My mother has intense dependency issues, my brother is a highly anxious aspie. So, as a whole, I'd say I've had the concept of mental illness ground into my brain fibers since as long as I can remember.

    Depression is nothing new to me; I can't remember a time when I wasn't low, when I didn't have overly-existential thoughts and when I wasn't questioning the point of everything.

    Before I was at an age to even identify my thoughts and sadness I was already experiencing somatic symptoms. My mental illness over the years has evolved from being a cutter in my teens, angered by my parents separation, the stranglehold of my mother's protective tendencies, my step father's very intentional lack of care for me, and my step sisters knack for making my every struggle much more real in comparison.

    Today, I'm not only aware that I don't blend in with my surroundings... looking out at the extroversion, the narcissism, lack of compassion, the business and consumer-driven, backstabbing world we live in that breathes in headlines and paychecks, I'm not sure if I want to.

    I fear the lack of meaningful relationships in my life; the knowledge that I am largely responsible for which... the sinking darkness that wells up inside of me, without warning or prejudice, that makes everyday actions both embarrassingly challenging and seemingly worthless.

    But the bigger fear I hold today isn't whether or not my depression with ever end, it is whether I have so successfully isolated myself from social relationships, career prospects, and a positive perspective of the world, that I can never assemble the courage, the energy or the resiliency to reintegrate myself into it.

    Pleased to meet you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi doesn't matter what field you are in depression hits anyone. I hope you can reach out and get the treatment you need to find a way back to a more stable path
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2015
  3. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member

    Thanks for the reply, means alot.

    No, of course I didn't mean that choosing the field of psychology lead to my depression, simply that choosing psychology lead to four years of solid focus on psychological disorders, which lead to intern's syndrome- or medical students disease, which is what happens to many students who start to feel like they possess the symptoms of all the things they are studying and begin to self-diagnose.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you but i am just hoping you have reached out to get support to help you get out of the darkness you are in. Just because you have a BA in psychology does not mean that you should not reach out for help. I suffer from depression so long now but i don't know i have reason it came on and i am working to somehow deal with it. Perhaps if you had a therapist that could help you you too could get help to be more social.
  5. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member

    You're absolutely right. Please excuse my ranting, I haven't written about my depression in years, so the typing is almost involuntary at this point.

    Last year I saw a therapist actually, it didn't last very long... I could have tried harder to make it work I s'pose, however, her style of therapy was so rigid it was almost like she had a game plan for years of illness to be stripped away in a matter of a few hours. She was also cold and seemingly uncaring; I've considered getting another therapist, it's just hard to try again.

    It's very difficult for any therapist to give me standard advice, because my problem is not a lack of awareness. I have a strong sense of my own faults, condition, things I should do that would supposedly make life better. Unfortunately, depression doesn't really always work that way... knowledge doesn't = power. Social anxiety therapy phrases like: "if you go to Suzy's house, do you think something bad will happen?" make me cringe because if it were as simple as just 'getting out there' and proving nothing catastrophic won't happen as a result I would have solved everything years ago.

    I feel ill with stress in 'normal' situations- be they social, professional, etc. and my depression literally comes on in the most random of circumstances, full throttle. I'm also ironically fantastic at hiding these things- no one I'm around in college or social gatherings would have any idea I'm panicking. This doesn't help, because it makes it incredibly easy to not get better. As long as I stick to acquaintances, no one would ever know I'm a mess.

    If I weren't so many layers deep in low self-esteem, anxiety and depression, I'd have so much to give and would use my good qualities to do so much good in the world. I know this, and yet all it does is make me feel worse.

    Anyway, thanks again for the advice- you really are right. I'm just... wrong :).
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    In a nutshell it is easier to focus on other peoples problems and help them than help yourself. Even the best professional in the mental health see a therapist.
  7. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Hi Kelly, I feel similar. I look at the world outside and wonder what the hell I'm doing here. I'm not very good at hiding it though. Theres nothing wrong with being unlike anyone else and feeling different things but society isn't exactly tolerant of us folk who just aren't buying it which I think is part of the problem.. I have panic attacks and suffer from a ridiculous amount of anxiety in social situations and it stems mostly from from how I perceive other peoples perception of me. I get told to and I quote "Stop moping about like 15 year old emo girl" which as a man and just turned 40 isn't really helpful in the long term. I've been like this all my life. I have only been here a couple of days but it's brilliant being able to talk to people who do have some idea of what were going through and what we have had to live with. Even if its just to vent!
  8. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member

    It is. I think that's what I was most hoping to get out of this forum.

    Of course, logic tells me I'm not the only person in the world who has a tendency to "overthink things" (whatever that means) and feel like a societal misfit... but actually speaking to someone who says: "oh, yeah, I feel that way too" makes it seem like perhaps I can learn to better cope with my situation by learning from others who've done the same.

    Or, I guess if nothing else... I'll just let off some steam now and then. ;)
  9. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    For me it's having people around that just understand. Usually if I start talking to people they can't wait to excuse themselves or sweep me under the nearest rug. I over think everything and it really screws with my life.
  10. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member

    You mentioned yourself having just turned 40. Being someone with social anxiety, do you find it difficult to FIND people that understand? I know even when I was in college and had a normal developing career, I had a hard time identifying with really ANYONE on a truly personal level. Now that I've graduated, I can't even begin to figure out where I could meet others who I enjoy spending my time with and who understand and accept me. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I'm lost.

    This excludes one person, who for the past seven years has been the only person I know who I share the ability to both confide in and enjoy spending time with. But they're almost as weird as I am, haha, just maybe a bit higher-functioning socially.
  11. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Yes I do find it difficult to find people that understand, But it's always been like that no matter what age. I have no problem making acquaintances, I'm rather good at it. My problem is that if I let my feelings show and open up to people most of them just aren't interested and would rather move on than deal with someone so fucked up. It's mainly trying to engage in an intimate relationship where this causes most trouble and I'm finding it ever more difficult to meet someone to settle down with. As I get older I'm just not willing to lie about it any longer and I say it exactly how I see it. I don't know anyone who feels like I do in my private life, Then again my personal life is vacant and unfulfilled and always has been because I never really met anyone who was genuinely interested in me. I don't really like people though so it's not a massive issue for me to scare most of them away, Just be nice to click with one thats all. Really happy people just piss me off because they just don't get anything and can't figure out why I would be unhappy in this fantastic pre packaged lie we call a world.
  12. vil2liv

    vil2liv Member

    Hey! I just started on this forum, so I'm reading through posts, and seeing what problems other people have. English is not my language, so I might seem too rough trying to say what I want. Which otherwise would look more soft if I was saying it on my language. So, if I seem to be too hard, I am not. It's just a lack of words :)
    I have a question for you? How do you feel when you realize that you achieved more in life than most of your generation, and you did it with all problems you had? Doesn't it at least make you feel stronger, and more confident in yourself?
    And to this man who is 40. Shouldn't you realize by now that most people only think about themselves? You had a plenty of time to figure it out. Do not try to find someone to understand you, because you probably won't find them that way. Just live your life, normally. Do stuff you like to do... You managed to push it to 40 with all problems you had. Just continue, and along the road you'll find a person or two that will understand you. I think that alone is worth your time.
  13. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    Hi vil2liv, Yes you are right and I'm already doing this. However it is nice to be able to talk to people without the fear of being brushed aside. You're English is better than most English people! I too spent time reading in here and for the first time I saw things that I had been feeling and thinking for a very long time, Things that would have ostracized me anywhere else and only isolated me more. So I am well aware thank you of how shit everything is generally speaking. I see where you're coming from though and it's good advice :)
  14. Tenenbaum12

    Tenenbaum12 Member

    I always wonder- almost as a personal theory of mine- whether this type of feeling, while real, could be from a sort of chicken-and-egg sort of thing. When we are younger, we see the world a bit differently, perhaps are introverted and need more time to recharge or ruminate... that in itself, not being extroverted or gathering ones energy from those around you might actually make it more pleasant being alone, which of course, just as The Doors song goes, makes everyone seem all the more alien and frightening. After years of seeing the self as 'different' and being angered at the world, both for being unaccepting of that and seemingly naive, the isolation and social anxiety solidify.
  15. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    It's simply from years of bullying, Being lied to and cheated on and drug/alcohol abuse neatly rounding things off. I was a happy child until the bullying started. Now I trust no one but my parents. My life has been relentless. I barely get through one crisis before another one appears. I get what you mean though, But I don't think it needs over thinking, People are crap, Kids are cruel...Little boys never forget.
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