Number of sexual partners

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by PaperFlame, Dec 18, 2012.

  1. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    This is my story, which I think is the main contributor of my depression: (lack) of a number of sexual partners. Let me explain...

    I'm 31 years old (male) and have had sex with one woman in my entire life, my partner since 10 years back. The thing is I am mortified by the prospect of others finding out what a loser I am. Why didn't I land more women?

    My depression proper started about 2.5 years ago when I hit some form of midlife crisis. I realized that despite all my efforts professionally (I am a succesful high performing person) I have only ever laid one girl. And it's not like I could choose, I took the first best. Now I'm the sort of person who doesn't let just anyone close, I invest alot into relationships, which might be another point of contention, but more on that later.

    Now don't get me wrong, I like sex alot. I have a pretty healthy sex drive and am not in any way asexual. BUT, thing is that all the sexual fantasies that I have have all taken a backseat in this trawl of a life I lead. My life consists of going to work (performing on a high intellectual level) and then back home to kids and sour wife, repeat ad infinitum.

    A big part of my life is obviously my partner. She already had a sexual past before meeting me, with having adventures like group sex etc under her belt. My belief was that I would at some point get to experience stuff out of the norm too, but that hasn't happened, far from it. So what to do? One option which I have weighed heavily is to leave my partner, which is in my view inevitable. This I think is also why I am in a crisis since I am really bad at letting people go that I have let close to me, so can't conciously do it, it rips me apart.

    That's it for now.

    Please comment on your thoughts about the mess that is me, all comments most welcome.

    I'll be adding more as a discussion develops. Help me wrap my head around this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well hun the wise thing to do would be to get therapy for you and your partner there a therapist that can help with sexual relationships Ask your wife about see a therapist before giving up on her and your relationship
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I would be honest with your wife! Tell her something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm kind of interested in [this], [that], or [the other thing]." Not pointing out her experiences, but focusing on what you would like to do. You have fantasies? Good! Who better to enact them with, than your wife? Test the waters, and see how she responds. You never know! Perhaps she's longing to fulfill some as well! Good luck!
  4. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    Indeed I have sought therapy, and also suggested we go together. This lead to her backing out at the last minute so that it never happened. In a sense she left the whole depression problem in my hands and wanted no part.

    As to fantasies, we share our fantasies with each other, but in the end nothing comes out of it. A lot of empty words on her part.

    This has all left me to wonder why I am together with her. Why do I support her but she doesn't support me? TBH I am more and more leaning on leaving her, however tough it would all seem at the moment, it is inevitable. We do not function as a couple anymore and I am passed the point of trying to fix it.
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    So you're willing to jeopardize a marriage with your children, so that you can fulfill your teenage sexual fantasies with strangers. Does that logically follow, to you? Try taking a vacation just you and your wife for a few days to an exotic place, and let her know you want to experience sex from a different angle. Maybe she'll be up to it, maybe not, but you sound like you're just looking for an excuse out of your commitment and want to have sex with other women.

    What is with the fixation and improper value placed on number of sexual partners, instead of quality of the relationship with the people you've had sex with?

    The problem isn't your wife; the problem isn't some midlife crisis; the problem is you trying to meet some superficial quota on the number of hoes you can lay, because somewhere in your mind, only having one partner who you love is insufficient. You wanna build up a reputation of having laid a bunch of bitches. Let's just be real and cut the butter already. That's what you need to address in yourself, not your wife and kids.

    You need to think this through.

    And one question out of my own common sense curiosity: Did you or did you not already know your wife's sexual capacities before you married her?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2012
  6. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    And also, see it from your wife's perspective. She's been with you for ten years, dealt with you having your problems, and bore your seeds, and all you have to say for it is to devalue her to having been only "first best" to you, meaning that you merely settled for her because you couldn't find anyone else. Of course she's not gonna sit through therapy and be humiliated by you believing she's no longer wanted in your life. Of course she's sour! Your reasons for disregarding the only woman who loved you enough to be YOUR wife - instead of the other dozens of options she probably threw away for you - are completely shallow, delusional, and selfish in my opinion.

    My advice is to really think about and get brutally honest with yourself about the real motives of 1) your preoccupation with numerous sex partners as a reflection of your value as a man, 2) whether your wife is to blame for your own shortcomings, and 3) what woman put in your head that you need to leave your wife just for sex (with them?).
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2012
  7. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Just because your wife doesn't want to seek counselling, doesn't mean you still can't go without her. At some point, she may wish to join you. You mentioned on chat you have four boys, and those kids are worth trying to work things through. Maybe it won't work out, but at least you will feel you have given it your best shot.

    As far as the sex thing, you're dreaming of something that isn't real. I had several partners before my spouse, and seriously, all cats are gray in the dark. Sex, especially good sex, isn't about the "naughty bits", it's all in your head (the one at the top of your neck ; ) ). I think if you left your wife because of sex, you would find that there just isn't some great experience out there that you think there is. I think you would be completely disillusioned, and might end up a lot more depressed when you find you left your marriage to find something that doesn't exist. When you are frustrated or disappointed in your marriage, it is easy to fantasize that there are all these great flings with others out there. In reality, it is tough to meet people, and really tough to get someone into the sack. Unless you pay for it, and that means risking disease, arrest, etc. And even if after a great deal of effort, and usually money, you get someone into bed, who says it is going to be that great? It will be awkward, and usually ends in disappointment, with one or the other of you angry and expecting more.
  8. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them!

    Yeah I went to therapy by myself but gave it up after a while because it all lead to just stating the question over and over: do you wish to kill yourself? I started feigning that I was better, which I wasn't.

    It's not so much the sex tha I am after, couldn't care less. I just want to somehow change the fact that I feel like an alien most of the time. I am so embarassed of the fact that I degrade myself so much I think I'm a total loser. Somehow my mind tries to give me options: change jobs, quit the marriage, have an affair etc. It has become a fixed idea.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't cheat and would never allow myself to do that. It's just not me. It's just that I have worked hard long hours to get where I am. I have supported my wife the last 4 years financially. After her uni studies she decided her topic was not for her so she re-educated herself to another profession. But that doen't seem to have helped so back to square one.

    The reason for my feeling the way I do I think comes down to a few things. Work is a factor, a demanding job, which I have poured myself into, which gives a reasonable salary, but not enough compared to the workload. Also one of the biggest factors is that I never was a teenager as such. I have given up a whole lot to be where I am today, so in a sense I lack basic experiences like dating, sex etc. Where are my awards in life? No matter how much I work and try to improve myself to be a better person life has a sense of making everything else be harder in equal measure. Not sure how much I can take anymore --> enter panic mode.

    As to my wife: yeah I knew her sexual background, but found out in the end that she is a boring person. I may have worded it harshly earlier, I have loved her, and still do to some extent, and I chose her to be my mate. But when we started seeing each other she hadjust broken up with her ex (so she says, Im not so sure). Anyway, to make a long story short, they saw each other on a daily basis for years after, which bugged me alot. Yet I let it happen on her reassurance that nothing happened, just conversation. She still maintains it, but I know her, how easy she is. Parties etc. with alcohol. I will doubtedly never know the truth on the matter, but above all I have degraded myself in my own eyes and I don't know I will ever get my self-respect back.

    What do I do? I really need help...
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, I can understand that you are feeling in an empty place inside of yourself K - and when we feel like that it is very tempting indeed to consider that a mutually wonderful and fulfilling sex life will help you to feel better, and because it is not and you don't think it can be with your wife, then fantasising about all the options is inevitable.

    I must confess that Princ's Belt has written some stunningly insightful replies, and you do need to think this all through very carefully. You say that you do not function as a couple any longer and that you were never a teenager. I've had experience of both problems and can see that ahead of you really does lie the opportunity to discover your real self, and that this trial (these trials) can be turned to gold in the end, if you would consider another option to do with self-discovery.
    Maybe the therapists you have consulted are not open to exploring this avenue with you, thinking it is irrelevant maybe - but I really do think it holds the key to the resolution of all of this for you K :) Leaving your wife and family on the offchance of trying to make up for what you've missed out on - might leave you with more regrets than you already have.
  10. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    You say that you couldn't care less about sex. But this entire thread and your issue is about you feeling bored in your marriage and that you want a divorce on grounds that you desire to have sex with numerous sluts to compensate for your lack of ability to do so as a teenager. You keep mentioning jow it goes back to you wanting sex sex sex and that it makes you a loser. This is the truth, stop making excuses, and say to yourself the harsh truth: "I want to divorce my wife and my children to have sex with numerous sluts." Say it out loud to yourself and accept it and don't try to sugarcoat over it. You need to get real with yourself.

    Once you do that, then you'll be able to understand how absurd the idea is and, as everyone else has suggested, you'll have even more problems and greater depression and regrets and guilt over this. That is, let's play this scenario out so you can be schooled on likely outcomes based on the experiences of billions of men in the history of the world who have done what you're thinking of doing now.

    So let's play this scenario out. Let's say you divorce, you divide your assets, pay alimony AND child support, have less of your hard-earned mediocre income in your. bank account, have your children develop animosity towards you (even more so if it already exists), and then you are left dangling in the wind. So you have all of that, then you find this woman who's willing to have sex with you, and that woman, and another and so forth. And then what? You're lonely, broke, overworked and underpaid, bored of your sexual escapades with women who have now moved on to someone else's bed. And now what? You don't have the foresight to see how you feel after you've had all the sexes, the same way you got bored with it with your wife?

    You think about that for a few days and then tell us where you see this pursuit taking you at the end of the day and how similar or different that is to how you feel now.
  11. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    By yourself, lonely, in a cheap hotel room, broke and with no love, thinking about all the sex you've had and what you've lost in order to be lonely in a cheap hotel room, by yourself. That's where it leads.

    I think that you should pursue the things in life with more substance that develop a sense of accomplishment in you, not guilt and temporary sexual gratification. What did you want to do with your life when you were younger? Travel the world? Explore a new culture? Climb mount Everest? Skydive? Shark diving? Go on a safari? Build homes with Habitat For Humanity? Anything exciting that makes you look back when you're older and say "wow, I did great things and got a lot out of them"?

    There are so many other things in life to do that won't leave you in ruins. They can help to compensate for missing things you've always wanted to do. Make a list of them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2012
  12. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Funny thing is if someone were to come with having the same problem I would react very much like you do :smile-new: I hear wha you are saying and I know that the way I am thinking is wrong. My logical thinking is in line with the assumption that my brain is not functioning properly and that my thoughts are a sympton to the underlying problem.

    At the same time this is what I feel. How can I change that?

    I am an honest person, with myself and with others. Problem is I am too honest, and quite critical of myself. I am a nice guy and get along with just about anyone, yet deep down I hate myself, wha I have become. Self fulfillment I have tried and am still working on. My job is basically what I assumed I would be working with when I was younger. It's not always sexy but hey it works for me. I have picked up powerlifting as a serious hobby and am good at it. My aim is to start competing in it end of next year. I used to paint alot before but due to work/kids find it hard to concentrate on it and get any joy out of it.

    Basically what I'm getting at is I'm lost, I don't know what to do and am the end of my rope. I really need help with how to proceed.
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sometimes our minds accept things intellectually before our feelings have caught up. It sounds like you have formed a habit of thinking badly of yourself, yet you have so many good qualities: honesty, commitment, integrity, friendliness, intelligence. Those are things that people will respect, and I think you could respect yourself for those, too. When we want to make these kinds of emotional changes, it's important to replace the old ways of thinking with positive new thoughts...with reminders of the good things we are.

    Learning to see ourselves in a new way is a lot like learning any new skill; we need to practice it consciously until it becomes our new unconscious habit of thinking and feeling. :smile:
  14. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I think you are hitting what most people do ~ a sort of mid life crisis. I'm not making fun of this, it's a serious condition that everyone I know has hit to some degree.

    As we get older, or as I like to refer to it, achieve a more impressve age level, our bodies change. This includes hormonal and brain changes. Not to mention the realization that many of the dreams and plans we had are just never going to happen. At this point, the grass looks greener on the side we didn't choose. We still love our kids, but we realize we have given up a lot for them. Our spouse seems "boring", and we realize that they have a heck of a lot more flaws than we realized. We realize we have a lot more flaws as well. And we feel like a failure because we haven't achieved our goals and dreams. And of course everybody else seems to be doing better than we are.

    All I can suggest is, talk to your spouse. At a time when neither of you is angry, or distracted by other things. Tell them how you feel. That doesn't mean telling them that you assume sex with others would just be a heck of a lot more fun, but tell them that you are feeling unhappy, and that you think that you really need counselling, including marriage counselling. Tell them it is really necessary for the marriage to work. If she still won't go, find a new therapist, and go yourself.

    PB is right about a lot of things. Divorce seems easy, but it is devastating financially, emotionally, physically, etc. And most people are not better off. Of course it is different if there is abuse, addiction, etc. Try to work through your marriage problems if at all possible. Don't do anything drastic, or in the heat of the moment.

    I think realizing that you are not alone in how you feel is helpful. That you don't need to feel guilty. And that with time, and help from the right people, this too will pass.
  15. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    I've had 0 because of my DEATH SENTENCE--Asperger's Syndrome!
  16. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Our feelings are basically there as a result of our thoughts - what we allow ourselves to dwell upon. With insight about this, the way forward is to understand this mechanism works for everyone. It's like eating - so easy to choose to eat the taste-good/feel-good things but which in the end don't do our bodies any good because of their lack of essential nutrients. Harder to train our taste buds into eating plain salads/vegetables/proteins which will boost everything bodily! If we tell ourselves we're going to change our thinking diet, and then set about doing so, (with help from us all here on SF who are trying to do the same thing!) - you will be amazed at how your marriage can be saved as well as your mental health - having rescued it from throwing caution to the winds in the hope of finding something better.
  17. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Thanks for the input it is much appreciated. Yeah, the midlife crisis hit me approx. 2-3 years ago, I was a real mess then but have gotten way better since. Although the underlying bad things are still present. I will just have to work at it. improve myself and above all change my way of thinking. In a sense I have: I have gotten to more egoistic. Before I used to live by adressing everyone elses issues and ignoring mine, but the last year I have concentrated on me and it has helped. Some of my social anxiety has lessened as a result.

    It's times like these that I wish I had faith...
  18. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think you have thoughts and feelings confused. Thoughts lead to feelings, thoughts are not feelings. You think, "I need a divorce. My wife is boring. I want sex." You feel, "Lonely, bored, confused, hatred for myself." I think if you take the thinking out of it, and dwell on the causes of the feelings (which generally have little to do with others, and all to do with yourself) that you might have better insight to what you can do about the situation.

    Clearly you're unsatisfied, and from what you say you're not going to get it, currently, from your wife. No person can fulfill you, anyhow, its something you have to do yourself. Take your wife and family out of the equation in your mind, for a bit, and just think about yourself, and what you can do to make yourself feel better. Do you need to get out more? Go to a health club. Take up a hobby, like golf or tennis, or whatever interests you. Start a poker club with friends, once a week! Excitement? Okay, a hobby that's more adrenaline pumping! Lift weights, run, or bungee jump! Maybe take classes at the college for things you enjoy - art, writing, philosophy, whatever. What do you like to do for yourself? You don't need to leave your family, or even cheat on your wife, in order to have self-fulfillment. Taking care of yourself is not separate from having your family. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for anyone else.
  19. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Just a quickie, as out of time...... to your last sentence...... all you have to do is decide you want it, and then ask :)
  20. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Thx Brighid Moon, solid advice and you are correct about the way I think/feel.

    urPrecious, religion in itself sounds great, I have a religious upbringing. BUT, I am not a believer and probably never will be. Though I can long to feel that way, I cannot bring myself to ask the question yet. Although, never say never...

    Well, this morning I had a mental breakdown. We were going to celebrate christmas at the parents place and I couldn't get out of bed. Totally paralyzed with anxiety attacks. In any sense this will lead most probably to a long convo with the missus. This whole thing was brought on by triggered repressed feelings. Lets hope something good comes of it.