Nursery Crimes

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Dec 3, 2009.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    These are not as I remember

    Mary had a little pig,
    She kept it fat and plastered;
    And when the price of pork went up,
    She shot the little bastard.

    ********************

    Mary had a little lamb.
    Her father shot it dead.
    Now it goes to school with her,
    Between two hunks of bread.

    ********************

    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    To have a little fun.
    Stupid Jill forgot the pill
    And now they have a son.


    ********************

    Simple Simon met a pie man going to the
    fair.
    Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
    'What have you got there?'
    Said the pie man unto Simon,
    'Pies, you dumb ass' !

    ********************


    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    All the kings' horses,
    And all the kings' men.
    Had scrambled eggs,
    For breakfast again.

    ********************


    Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
    All over the bedside clock.
    The little dog laughed to see such fun.
    Then died of electric shock.

    ********************


    Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
    Kissed the girls and made them cry.
    And when the boys came out to play,
    He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

    ********************

    There was a little girl who had a little
    curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good, she was very, very
    good.
    But when she was bad........
    She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront
    condo, and a sports car.

    ******************************************************

    You have to be old enough to appreciate
    this.
    If you don't understand, it is because
    you
    are too young.
     
  2. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Brilliant :laugh: :lol!: They've really been butchered...
     
  3. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :laugh: Awesome stuff.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    looool! Thanks for that, needed a laugh :laugh:
     
  5. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Hahahahaha wonderful
     
  6. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    they made me smile - thank you!
     
  7. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    bless you lol, :hug: :lol!:
     
  8. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Mary Mary quite contrairy
    How does your garden grow?
    Listen you prat i live in a flat
    So how the damn do i know.


    Mary had a little lamb
    She tied it to a pylon
    10,000 volts shot up its bum
    And turned it into nylon

    Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

    kissed the girls and made them cry.

    When the boys came out to play

    he kissed them too cos he was gay.
     
  9. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Some of those made me laugh out loud, which doesn't happen too often. I liked the ones hollowvoice posted too! So funny. :smile:
     
  10. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a daughter... :biggrin:

    Roll, roll, roll a joint,
    Twist it at the end,
    Spark it up, take a puff
    and pass it to your friend

    Ol' mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard
    To get her dog a bone.
    When she bent over, ol' Rover took over
    and gave her a bone of his own

    Mary had a little lamb, She thought it was quite silly,
    She threw him up in the air and caught him by his....
    Willy was a watchdog, a sitting on the grass,
    Along came a bumble bee and stung him up the....
    Ask no questions and I'll tell no lies,
    I saw a policeman doing up his.....
    Flies are a nuisance, bee's are worse,
    that was the end of my little verse :biggrin:
     
  11. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Old Mother Hubbard
    Went to the cupboard
    To get her and doggie some bread
    When she got there
    The cupboard was bare
    So she ate the doggie instead.


    Jack and Jill
    Went up the hill
    And planned to do some kissing.
    Jack made a pass
    And grabbed her ass
    Now two of his teeth are missing.

    Spider, spider on the wall.
    Ain't you got no sense at all?
    Can't you see the walls been plastered?
    Now you're stuck you silly bastard
     
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