Obsessed with dying.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neverhappyalwayssad, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. Neverhappyalwayssad

    Neverhappyalwayssad Well-Known Member

    Last few months just seems Ive been obsessed at killing myself. I just keep thinking once I get a job and a house to be on my own thats when I'm gonna do it. I don't want to kill myself now because I don't want other people cleaning up my mess since Im living with someone. Funny thing is I'm pretty depressed to even try and get a job.

    I don't know I'm suppose to see a new therapist this monday, and maybe get on some new anti-depressants but I don't see them as doing anything more than the others did which was nothing. Really all I see in the future is probably just ending it, its not like I don't carry around the stuff I need to do it with me 24/7. I'm really just waiting for the right time, not sure what I'm really waiting for but I just don't see myself living in 2 years.

    I'm just at a lost of what to do, even when I was at that program I was so exicted to go to I was just saying to myself "this program is only extending my life for my family, not for me" Really I just don't see myself changing my perspective anytime soon, and not sure what to do.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  3. Jemi200

    Jemi200 Well-Known Member

    If you are getting uncontrollable and will see a knife one day and try to kill yourself with it....

    that means you need to admit yourself to a mental hospital before you go into psychosis or something similar.
  4. Neverhappyalwayssad

    Neverhappyalwayssad Well-Known Member

    Its not really that I see myself killing myself tommorow or soon, but I do see myself in the future "committing" the act. Just cause theres no future for me, I don't want to be ones of those persons who fight depression daily, and struggle with suicidal tendences everyday til finally one day thye just do it. I don't think I have the will or money flow to fight depression, and my mother shouldnt be paying for my hospital bills, psych ward visits or any of this other bullshit she feels she has to pay because of me. I'm just currently a burden on people, I can't get a job, I can't score any pot which would def help in this situation. Its pretty much pointless, hopely time will set up the way I want to go so no one has to clean up a mess when I decide to exit.
  5. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    Personal opinion scoring pot won't help, but thats just me.

    I understand feeling like a burden, I think anyone suffering from any kind of illness or disorder or whatever you want to call it feels that way. But the truth is I'm sure your mom would much rather pay hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of bills than to have you die.

    I would try and become obsessed with something else. If death is all you can think about and the grave is the only place you see yourself ending up then try, try REALLY hard to at least pretend that you can think about something else or imagine a different future. Lets say you don't kill yourself. Where will you be? Start imagining a future without suicide. Start beginning to play with the idea of imagining a future without suicide and one day you might just have that future without suicide. Just a thought.
  6. Jemi200

    Jemi200 Well-Known Member

    Dharma is right about the pot. It worsens it as its addicting after a while without you even noticing.

    THe reason most communities have mental health programs is because of people like you that are scared of feeling worth the money used to pay it. If you go to one they'll make deals with your mom to pay all or most of it. Trust me, I know.
  7. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    After my second attempt in two weeks I was given insurance to pay costs of treatment..then istitutionalized. Must have worked. I am still here and treatments are still covered with "free" insurance. Just ask.
  8. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    i know you going through tough days cos im feeling the same ...i advice you when to change again your medication...there are so many anti-deprissions medcation but not all working for certain people...you have to try again & again to find the best who affect you...
    I also advice you to find somthing or hobby that make you intersted...that when you think about it you dont remmber your family or the world...somthing you be passion about it you forget yourself when you be with it...also may you try to valnteer its can get you feel better to get out of depression.
    hope you feel better soon
    take care
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