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Obsessed with ending my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lm91, Dec 24, 2013.

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  1. lm91

    lm91 New Member

    Hi,

    I'm 22 and for the past 3 weeks have been obsessed over suicide. I have had mental health problems from a young age, and believe I have been severely depressed for the past 2 months, but lately I have been really acting on it. If I get out of bed at all, it takes me 1-4 hours. I never sleep fully. I'm on zopiclone for insomnia but need to take 15mg (double my dosage) to sleep beyond 4hrs a night. I have crippling anxiety that my partner will leave me, currently leaving me physically and mentally unable to do the huge amount of university work I have due for mid January. I have things due Jan14th and I've done f*ck all. Procrastination & self loathing galore. I took up running in July and became obsessed with it, but my depression has taken hold and I rarely pull myself up to do it, which makes me hate myself even more (due to an eating disorder).

    I went running 2 days ago and actually thought, as I ran down an empty path, "you know what, if someone jumps up and sticks a knife in me, I would like it/wouldn't care." I need help and the last time I went to the dr (based in the UK) it took them 8 weeks to respond and they referred me to a relationship therapist (I gave them NO info regarding my relationship, I just told them that I was in one, and wanted to kill myself frequently).

    Logically, I KNOW my parents will me emotionally and financially better off without me. I am a liability. 22 years old, 3 weeks until my final uni exams/essays, and unable to summon the strength to try to f*cking pass those. Or even get out of bed in the morning. Everyone in my life is better off without me in it. I live in England thus am unable to obtain a gun, so I'm mostly too pathetic to commit suicide. I desperately want to though, every single day.
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Your family would NOT be better off without you. Losing one's child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a parent. Just ask anyone who has experienced the death of a child.

    Does your school have a counselor available? You may be able to postpone your academic work for health reasons.

    Running is a pretty high impact type of exercise and I don't think it's very good for you. Also, any kind of exercise that makes you sweat heavily, especially in cold weather, can make you feel drained.

    Maybe you could try walking/using a treadmill instead. During the winter I think it's good to just barely break a sweat during exercise.

    Eating fresh, cooked, whole foods served warm, and staying away from processed food and additives might help you.

    Seeing a doctor and getting your meds adjusted sounds like it would help.

    Hope that things can get better soon!
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i'm obsessed with it too. for me it's like i live and breav death, if that makes sense- i'll even watch a movie just because someone dies in it and get to wishing it was actually me in real life
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I've been obsessed with suicide all my adult life. I wonder why I still exist after all my attempts, but I guess I just haven't done it right yet. A therapist said that at my weakest moment, I need to believe that, "I'm stronger than I think I am". If I can get through this everyday, maybe all of us suffering can gain strength and believe in that quote too. Just a quote to keep up the hope that we can live through our struggles...
     
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