Obsessed with needing attention

[DarkFantasy]

I'm so desperate for love, all I do is want and need the attention of others.
How do I get out of this?
I have major social phobia, and been agoraphobic for about 7 years. I have no friends to talk to. Alcohol is my only friend, and allows me to open up.
I'm so deprived of love and experience, I do anything and everything just for someone to respond in a loving way. To say I look good, to say they appreciate me. I can only be happy if you will accept me.

And if a girl even talks to me, I will become extremely attached very quickly. But I'll do things to make me think she wants a relationship, when maybe she doesn't. I try to be cool, but in my head, I want to build a relationship with you and for you to like me and accept me.

There seems to be nothing I can do about it either. I do things for myself, but in the end, I only do them so you will notice. I'm absolutely obsessed with it though.
When I go out somewhere, all I'm thinking about is what you think of me. Hoping you like me. Thinking I look good, and wanting you to say hi and smile.

I cry most nights because I'm so alone. All I have is alcohol, and maybe some lame attempts at trying to project myself so people will like me.

Maybe if I actually had friends I wouldn't be so bad, but it's pretty brutal for me.

Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey there Dark Fantasy.

I guess your best to tackle this social phobia and agoraphobia before you start looking for a women.

Are you working at the moment? or in any sort of study?

Or are you like many other unemployed perhaps on disability?

I guess social phobia is best tackled like any other phobia. We gradually expose ourselves to the phobia until we no longer panic and feel out of sorts.

There are meds which can help with the anxiety perhaps - I take it you are anxious when called to any social occasion - and alcohol loosens the inhibitions a little. Alcohol is a good social lubricant when used properly - but if you rely on it to ward off depression or anxiety then it can become dangerous.

Putting women on a pedestal does not help - you should have other interests in life and find things to do. This is not easy I know, but perhaps with some meds you might be able to find the energy and inspiration to look at areas of life in which you have some skills. Something creative always helps - and you need other passions besides women lest you simply overcrowd whatever women you end up with.

Sure - at first you'll want to hold her, go to Disneyland, win her a stuffed toy and so on. You'll want to be by her side always - but in reality women do not want us by their side all the time.

Also - alcohol is a classic drug for inspiring the maudlin mood. We drink when lonesome and become more lonely as the bottle empties. Alcohol is the last drug I'd take if I was feeling real down. It has its place - but when you feel sorry for yourself its only going to make things worse.

Focusing so much on not having a women also makes it worse! You can drive yourself into feeling down if your always comparing yourself to others - perhaps seeing other men have more success and wondering why you do not.

Women pick up on how we feel. I think men can hide anything from other men - but with women they call out the bullshit sometimes. See us for who were are sometimes. So if your feeling so insecure your ready to propose engagement to the first women who puts her tongue in your mouth - women will perceive that.

So - my advice summed up would be to get along to your doctors - I'm sure you might have before but you need to revise things and get some battle plan in place and stick to it.

Many people take meds for a few weeks - then dismiss them ALL due to one not working. Some don't give meds enough time - nor do they keep a diary so they can chart the progress through the weeks.

You cannot live as you are living and expect to make friends. Agoraphobia and social phobias - as far as I know, often are just part of depression. Unless you have specific reasons for fearing to go outdoors - this is likely the case with you.

Medication really can help - and in your situation, what is there to really lose? If you get bad side effects that persist then you can always move onto another anti depressant - because there are enough of them out there.

Counselling and therapy might help - but if your like me then depression has no reason and it's just part of my biological genetic make up. A misfiring synapse perhaps - too little of this chemical, not enough of another.

There are people who have 'pace makers' fitted with a small wire inserted into the brain.

British scientists claim they have found depression in DNA.

Another recent trial saw a elderly gent devastated by depression, chirp up after trials with the drug ketamine.

And of course, we all know about 'E' which was a drug that showed promise in intense counselling sessions - abuse and so on - hurts which would otherwise not be spoken of.

Thing to bear in mind is the depression is an illness like any other. I mean to say - its REAL - not some weakness. It can make us withdraw from social life - become a recluse for various periods. That is likely to make us feel more lonely perhaps - and this 'natural' loneliness - a desire to have a companion and mate to be with us, is made all the worse with depression.

Anyhow if you go to the docs and get some medication - you still have things you can do to help enjoy life again. Woman are one aspect - but that is NOT your priority right now. Your priority is to get well, to shape your own life into something before you invite a women to share it.

I mean, right now - if you met a women you'd perhaps be pressing her too much with your own issues. It would be a lot to ask of her if your not getting any help. In that respect you and any man who is suffering from depression ought to beating a path to a doctors and getting help so that you can get your mojo back.

Also - doctors and therapy is one thing - there are lots of things you can do yourself to make you a better catch for some lucky lady. No 1 you have to be clean! This is easy - but get into the habit of showering each day - brushing teeth and having a clean set of clothes wherever you go. Clothes do not have to cost the earth - in fact you can go to the shops with £20 and buy a complete outfit these days.

What about your prospects with work or education? If you are unemployed you want to be able to tell a women that you are at least using that time in a productive manner. I'm not really looking for some full time romance (a few nights at a festival would suffice) but if you are looking for a full time women - you generally need to be able to provide if you have marriage and babies in your minds eye.

Even if depressed you can do things to better your station as regards education. Also an educated man is never lost for words with a women - but the No 1 rule is always make sure those words include flattery!

So - if you get some help - work through the issues at hand - and get into some routine were you start to do a few things - then I hope you can put on those clean clothes, be a clean man - and have a dash of confidence and some prospects on the go.

Good luck and hope your year gets better as it goes on.

 

[DarkFantasy]

Thanks for the reply peace.
Yes, I do receive benefits. I'm 30 years old. I just don't have the experience necessary for a job. Without friends, I get nowhere.
Yes, I've tried about 5 different meds, including effexor, they've only made me feel worse.
I can't go many places because I don't have a car.
Flirting is not the problem, I flirt too much. I know how to treat a lady, I just don't get the respect in return.

I know it's not too late to do something about it, but where do you propose I get the motivation?
I'm trying to make friends and get people to notice me, trying to feel good about myself, so maybe hopefully they can give me the motivation I need to work on it, or have someone who will understand my situation, not judge me so harsh, and help me through it.

Not many of those people out there though..

 

[LoveBeing]

Hi DarkFantasy,

“I'm so desperate for love” - can you question your thought(s)?
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Maybe what you really need first and foremost is your unconditional acceptance and love of yourself?

The above four questions are from The Work by Byron Katie. She was once suicidal, too. Her “Work“ has been very helpful to lots of people. Here is a link to her website with lots of free stuff if you are interested:

http://www.thework.com/thework-jyn.php

Here are some video clips of her explaining how “The Work” works. Maybe you can take this as a kind of “professional advice”:

Byron Katie: i need your love - is that true?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6je8hx7l160&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B3edPIRPSc&feature=related

Finding Kindness & Questioning Stressful Thoughts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeH85savvN4&feature=related

Wish you well!