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Obsessing & fantasizing (my) suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Depressed Puppy, Aug 8, 2014.

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  1. The Depressed Puppy

    The Depressed Puppy Well-Known Member

    So, I've been fantasizing my death a lot. Borderline obsession. I enjoy watching about it- it gives me relief. I'm constantly thinking about it. Today, I was at the beach,& I saw a train a little bit away. I just stopped,& starting thinking about just jumping in front,& ending my life. Suddenly, I was happy,& had huge sense of relief. I had dream about suicide,& then I literally obsessesed with the dream,& fantasized it. The method seemed so peaceful. It was awesome. You need to do one thing,& you slowly,' without much pain, & drift away to sleep,& never awake again. I can't stop thinking about it.

    It's consuming, but totally comforting. It can calm me down.

    I imagine my death. What it'd like. What people would do. How'd they feel.

    I've researching too. Comparing methods. Seeing what's most lethal. Seeing if I have this items.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What is it that causes this obsession? Could it be the fact that you're feeling intense emotional turmoil and obsessing over suicide is making you feel peaceful? I don't know, I guessing people have different reasons, maybe even a coping mechanism? But it's always good to talk :)
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    This may be slightly different, but I used to keep items in my house that I knew would end my life or cause me serious harm, and this brought me great comfort, knowing that I had a choice and didn't have to feel trapped. It's very unhealthy, because I came close to using the items several times. So much so that if I knew I had a shot at recovery I had to throw them all away. It hurt, and in times of great turmoil it was difficult, but I have come out of the other side now and I am a lot better for it.
  4. The Depressed Puppy

    The Depressed Puppy Well-Known Member

    Yes, it does give me relief, a lot of relief. I have some of the items but their really not lethal. I wish I did have those items, because if I did, I'd probably try to kill myself,or , actually I think I would be successful.

    I have no will, or desire to live. I hate being here. I'm not one bit afraid of dying.
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I went through the same thing several years ago...I loved movies that involved suicide, I imagined what my suicide note would look like if i had written one, I started researching what would work the best and be the most painless and when I found something I liked I went to the store and blew like $60 to get everything I needed. And like you said, it brought me a lot of relief knowing that it was there if I ever wanted it. Truthfully, I still haven't gotten rid of it 5 years later, but I don't think about it as often as I used to anymore. The only reason for that though is because I got heavily into drugs soon after and that took up most of my time, thoughts, and energy instead of suicide. So, maybe you could try to replace that with something else, just not something that's still equally as bad like I did.
  6. I know what you are going through. Everyday I think about it, not consciously, but it's always there. I was riding down the road the other day, not driving, and it just popped in my head to <mod edit - methods> The ONLY thing that stopped me was my 5 year old son in the back of our minivan, totally unaware that his mom is not well. The trauma that would have caused him snapped me out of it immediately! I can be sitting on the couch watching tv and out of no where I think about getting a gun and ending it all, but then I snap out of it. But the visions and thought just keep coming. I don't know what to do and I am afraid that if the thoughts don't stop coming I will eventually go through with it:sorry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2014
  7. regular

    regular New Member

    I think about it a lot too it's comforting, but at the same time the reality kind of scares me. Literally a few seconds ago I was thinking about how 'easy' it would be to <Mod edit methods> and end it all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2014
  8. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    So has anybody in this thread talked to a doctor about their feelings? Some antidepressants do actually help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2014
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    What if they don't help?
  10. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    I used to think antidepressants wouldn't help. Then I accepted that I wasn't able to make myself better without help and started on them. I am more motivated now. I don't stay in bed all the time like I used to. I don't call in sick to work just to lay in bed and cry and do nothing. I am able to socialise for normal periods of time instead of making excuses to go home after an hour or less. I am actually fun to be around sometimes. And one main thing - I'm able to help others! Before I'd resent anyone who tried to come to me with their problems because I was too wrapped up in my own, even though I've always been the kind of person to help whenever possible. I love that I can help people again.

    I also start counselling soon - I have my assessment on Thursday! And even though I'm sure many of you will assure me that counselling isn't useful for everyone - I've come to realise that it is worth trying, despite it never helping me in the past. Because of my antidepressants, I am in a different frame of mind and can appreciate any help I can get to recover.

    As for thoughts of suicide - I still get them. Not as much as I used to, but I'd say I think about my method of choice a lot more than is normal. I no longer feel the urge to kill myself as often as I used to and can rationalise my thoughts now so I do not feel out of control with them. It can be someone addictive, constantly imagining your own demise. I know I got rather obsessed with it, but I'm not sure it really brought me any comfort. Unfortunately this sort of thing, if you're thinking about it a lot, you're in a sense triggering yourself. Which can be dangerous, especially if you're a somewhat impulsive person like I am.

    Please stay safe.
    We're here if you need to talk.
  11. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    What I actually meant was - what if you have tried many different antidepressants and none of them work for you?
  12. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    I think it's a matter of trying different methods of recovery, but to be honest, you have to be willing to try. Which is definitely harder than it sounds, but it's worth it.
  13. Danialla

    Danialla Well-Known Member

    I have talked to my Dr about my fantasizing about suicide. I have told him that "thinking" about suicide means I am actively researching and planning. Fantasizing means I "imagine" it. In some weird way it comforts me. He thanked me for explaining it that way and I think he understood. I currently am taking a good mixture of antidepressants and also doing ECT to help me with my suicidal thoughts. I also said I would consider clozaril if I can't seem to handle them in the future. I am working to change my thinking but it is hard sometime.

    Good luck and stay safe.
  14. gchicklet

    gchicklet Well-Known Member

    I go back and forth about obsessing. This is a hard town to live in cuz there are train tracks everywhere since it's an old steel town. One of the busiest is about 20 feet from my front door.

    I am in counseling, but I've still written an email that's sitting in my draft folder ready to hit send if I ever do decide to go through with it. It's written to my counselor.

    How's that for screwed up?
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