Obsessing over things therapists said

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by beatdown, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Some days I cant stop thinking about some things I was told in therapy some years ago. Im so angry, both at them when I think they mustve been wrong to say what they said and just had to respect for me, or myself becouse I feel I deserved it and is as pathetic as they made me feel. Im also confused becouse they are therapists and trained (arent they?) so maybe they are right. Still this can make me almost rage on a bad day.

    The things Im so angry about that really hurted me was being told Im lazy even if I had tried to describe how exhausted and umotivated I feel. I even said I sometimes feel everything, even other people, lack worth and life is just empty. I was told by this male T "you know, youre really lazy". I hear that line now every time I hate myself. He said it with such distaste for me. I feel a depressed man just cant get any respect, not even the slightest even from a therapist. Were he wrong to say this am I just over sensitive and crazy? Am I just born to be a lazy failure? Im so confused.

    This is even more opainful and confusing to me. The most painful thing that ever happened to me was the kind of covert (as ive learned its called) and sometimes not very covert sexual abuse from my "mother" (who I think has BPD). He didnt believe me when I said this. Its a very hard thing to talk about for me but even if I cry he think I lie and he lost his temper at me when I said how hard it is for me to talk to mother, and has been ever since my early teens. He got angry and said "so you just live togheter and you can barely talk to her? and you just make her uncomfortable?" bla bla. I was so confused, I was both angry but also felt he may be right and I deserve this anger.

    Today I keep grinding teeth thinking about this. Im so angry. But Im so confused becouse I keep thinking how well I can trust myself about this. Shit. If all my problems are for nothing Id feel so pathetic Id end myself.
    I feel I was born to be disrespected by men, like I have the whole package. I have girly eyes, Ive always been so awfully soft in my personality (maybe it was becouse i hated my father and he was macho and cocky as hell, always ready to beat someone up for the slightest comment), I have a slightly high voice. My sister laughts at me and say "some guys are born with a womans brain, you know". I love her (only reason I dont think I can kill myself as I cant f*ck up her life) but she makes me furious sometimes. To me that equals being a worthless guy who everyone feels zero presence in.

    Ive learned that if youre disrespected its your fault for not asserting yourself, but can that also apply in therapy even? Cant stop thinking Im so pathetic even if I pay this man to listen to me sharing MY thoughts and problems, he cant bring himself to show any respect or take my word for things. I feel im going in a rage. being me is a prison aganst life. How can things ever be ok.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I do not usually talk like this as you may know but your T is a fu***** di**. How dare he call you lazy? Who the hell does he think he is? He can't do his job by the sounds of it. Depression causes a lack of motivation and reduces energy, did he not get the memo? *rolls eyes*

    Trust me, you are none of what he said, he needs a reality check and you need a new therapist. You're not lazy or pathetic or anything like that, you're a nice kind hearted person who helps others and you deserve to be treated as such, please do yourself a favour and fire your therapist. There are many many other ones out there who will understand you and what you are going through and sympathise *huge hugs*
  3. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for the kind words and understanding. You make more confident my anger is just... thank you for that. I need some confidence with my opinion on things. And it was over 2 years ago I had this T.
    Petal likes this.
  4. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Your therapist sounds like my mom who thinks my life is a "vacation". I hate that someone trained can have the same gross misunderstanding. I think we have to accept that in every profession there will be people who are not good at their jobs, including therapists. I'm glad he is in the past; in future it really is important that you feel comfortable with and can trust your therapist. Having someone who doesn't understand or is just judgemental isn't conducive to progress.

    I'm angry for you too. But continue taking what steps you can: a little each day consistently.
    Petal likes this.
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I'm completely disgusted by the way you've been treated in therapy-that guy should not be put in a position to "help" anyone, he should be on the couch himself! That is absolutely unacceptable and he is completely wrong to demean you in any way. I'm so sorry that you've had that experience. There are so many things I would like to say to you-too many to post here. But most of all I want to tell you that I struggled with anger management issues for a very long time-the way that I handled my anger was by getting depressed a lot and drinking alcohol a lot. Neither of those approaches led to a conclusion-I know that in my case, I was always full of rage because I felt that I was stuck in a situation that was rigged. I was always on the losing end-never winning anything. I was angry at myself for being weak and angry at the people I cared about for conspiring against me instead of trying to help me.

    I had a lot of reasons why I was so full of rage that I had to drink to the point of blacking out several times a week-in hindsight now I know that it was really all about my relationship with myself, no one else-just me. There came a point where I had to choose to do whatever was necessary to save myself-and what was necessary was forgiveness. First I had to forgive myself for hating myself as much as I believed the people around me hated me. I was so hard on myself-never letting up, never giving myself a break at all. I may be wrong but I see a little bit of myself in you-I believed that I was pathetic and weak because that was what everyone kept telling me. But it turned out that I was actually very strong-not weak. When I changed my relationship with myself-the way that I talked to myself I started to become self-confident and eventually very strong. It really comes down to you and your relationship with yourself. My hope is that you never have to see that dreadful therapist again-I wish that I could have a few minutes of his time, there are definitely some things that I would like to say to him. He is a disgrace to his profession :(
    Petal likes this.
  6. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies. I'm now far more confident about this. Having confusion and second guessing any opinion, feeling, is awful and a big problem for me. However now I feel far better about this now though. Very angry but aleast not painfully confused and self blaming.

    And thanks lifetalkz for the inspiration. If someone else as low opinion on themself as me can improve, maybe I can too.
  7. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    You are so welcome. If I could get someone to pay me for it, I would speak to people like yourself every day about what I've learned about overcoming crippling bouts of anger and depression. For decades I spent every second of my life in pain and always hating myself-I was just as miserable in relationships with others. No matter how close I ever got to someone there was always a certain amount of distance between us. I know now that I was the one who needed distance because trusting someone was so painful for me. I never want anyone else to live the way that I did for so long-that is why I will spend the rest of my life trying to help people like yourself get over to the other side of life to a place where there is hope and possibility for a better future. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts-it warms my heart to know that-today at least, I made your day a little brighter.
  8. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    You did, I'm happy I made this thread and had all you guys replying. Thank you! I'm far more confident about all this now and maybe I can eventually put it behind me.

    Lifetalkz, some time i wouldnt mind learning more about your life if it would be ok ofcourse. Doesnt need to get too personal but Id really like to learn about anyone who have moved above all the pain.