Some days I cant stop thinking about some things I was told in therapy some years ago. Im so angry, both at them when I think they mustve been wrong to say what they said and just had to respect for me, or myself becouse I feel I deserved it and is as pathetic as they made me feel. Im also confused becouse they are therapists and trained (arent they?) so maybe they are right. Still this can make me almost rage on a bad day. The things Im so angry about that really hurted me was being told Im lazy even if I had tried to describe how exhausted and umotivated I feel. I even said I sometimes feel everything, even other people, lack worth and life is just empty. I was told by this male T "you know, youre really lazy". I hear that line now every time I hate myself. He said it with such distaste for me. I feel a depressed man just cant get any respect, not even the slightest even from a therapist. Were he wrong to say this am I just over sensitive and crazy? Am I just born to be a lazy failure? Im so confused. This is even more opainful and confusing to me. The most painful thing that ever happened to me was the kind of covert (as ive learned its called) and sometimes not very covert sexual abuse from my "mother" (who I think has BPD). He didnt believe me when I said this. Its a very hard thing to talk about for me but even if I cry he think I lie and he lost his temper at me when I said how hard it is for me to talk to mother, and has been ever since my early teens. He got angry and said "so you just live togheter and you can barely talk to her? and you just make her uncomfortable?" bla bla. I was so confused, I was both angry but also felt he may be right and I deserve this anger. Today I keep grinding teeth thinking about this. Im so angry. But Im so confused becouse I keep thinking how well I can trust myself about this. Shit. If all my problems are for nothing Id feel so pathetic Id end myself. I feel I was born to be disrespected by men, like I have the whole package. I have girly eyes, Ive always been so awfully soft in my personality (maybe it was becouse i hated my father and he was macho and cocky as hell, always ready to beat someone up for the slightest comment), I have a slightly high voice. My sister laughts at me and say "some guys are born with a womans brain, you know". I love her (only reason I dont think I can kill myself as I cant f*ck up her life) but she makes me furious sometimes. To me that equals being a worthless guy who everyone feels zero presence in. Ive learned that if youre disrespected its your fault for not asserting yourself, but can that also apply in therapy even? Cant stop thinking Im so pathetic even if I pay this man to listen to me sharing MY thoughts and problems, he cant bring himself to show any respect or take my word for things. I feel im going in a rage. being me is a prison aganst life. How can things ever be ok.