Hello, Im new to this forum, so sorry if this is in the wrong board. Lately I have been in an almost constant state of anxiety. I have been battling depression for some time now, but i haven't experienced a low like this a long time. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to be awake at all. I want to be asleep so I don't have to feel any pain. I'm not really suicidal yet, I'm just at the point where if I were in a situation where I came face to face with death, I would welcome him with open arms. When I am awake, I have this one fantasy almost where I am going about my daily life, hanging out with my friends who actually care about me ( I don't really have any friends, that's a part of the fantasy.) until people storm in the room and kidnap me. They put a hood on my head and knock me out. I then wake up in a room with a guy taking out tools from a tool case. He then proceeds to torture me in a multitude of different ways. As he does, I scream in agonizing pain begging him to stop, but he continues and laughs in a sadistic way. I then escape, but I leave a changed person, not the over emotional, incompetent piece of crap(How I am in real life) that I was kidnapped as. The thing is, I really want this to happen to me. Like I said above, I am an over emotional piece of crap. I feel that some event like that will put me through so much pain(both mental and physical) that my head will have to cope with it all somehow. Im not really religious, but I beg god to allow this to happen to me. I guess this stems from my depression and social anxiety, and that I want something exciting to happen in my life. I don't know. I have a good life with good parents but ever since I've been struggling with depression, I've wanted to do things that are really adrenaline pumping and things that, if I made one mistake, I would die or get seriously hurt.