Obsession

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by carekitty, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Does anyone else feel like they have an obsession with comitting suicide? I have it so carefully planned out, and a lot of days, it is all I can think about. I want to make it look like an accident, so my son does not have to deal with what I've done. I've spent so much time thinking about this, I'm such a stuipd perfectionist, and even in my own death, I can't just go with the impulse. No, even this has to be planned, well, to death.

    I think a good way to do it would be to freeze to death. That could look like an accident. But I'd have to wait too long for the weather to get colder.

    I want to make sure I succeed, so I could mix alcohol, pills, and then wade into a cold river, but there's no way to make it look like an accident.

    God, this is the only time I feel anything, or have an interest anymore, is when I am thinking about "how to do it". I don't want to be like this, but I can't stop. I wish it was over already. I have to admit I'm not sure what death will be like, but it can't be as bad as where I'm at now. I feel so trapped, and it is the only way I feel I can get free.

    I don't know why I'm rambling. I don't know why I do anything anymore.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome of SF. It's hard when the continuous thoughts are happening. What are some of the problems you are facing? How old is your son?

    :hug:
     
  3. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Thanks for the welcome.

    My son is 23. He is the one joy in my life. He's such a great person, and he is the one thing I would miss. He has a lot of his own problems, and sometimes, I think my depression just adds to his problems.

    I have had serious autoimmune disorders since birth. For a long time, I was able to lead a semi-normal life, but not anymore. I can't get out very much, and am in a lot of pain all the time. I've also put on a lot of weight, and just really hate the way I look.

    I just feel like I'm in this dark, dark place all the time, and I can't get out. I use to be able to pull myself out, at least for a while, but not anymore.

    It's funny, but almost no one I know even would guess I feel this way. I've always been the strong person everyone else leans on, including my parents and my husband. Maybe that is part of the problem, I'm just worn out. I just want them all to leave me alone anymore. I have nothing left to give.

    I know suicide is drastic, but I don't have anything else that makes me feel better any more. I look at death as a release, as something to look forward to. I guess that's not right.....
     
  4. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    You're not the only one who is "obsessed" with it. For years now, there hasn't been a single day without thoughts about suicide. Freaky, but... They make me happy in a way.
     
  5. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    That's how I feel, Misty. It calms me to think of suicide, almost as though I know I have "a way out". Sometimes it is the only thing that makes me feel better, or calmer.
     
  6. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. I really don't have big issues, I know should be ashamed. There are people with tragic things happening in their lives and they are still fighting, but still... I just want to let go the leash of life.
     
  7. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    Wow this quote sums up how I feel really well.
    I don't know how to help you out because I'm down here with you. I only seem to feel at ease or interested when thinking about/planning suicide.
    I can tell you you're not alone though, as you've probably already noticed by coming here. Everyone here understands.
    Seek help if you can. Therapy or whatever you think might help. Or even if you don't think it will help, give it a shot anyway.
    :hug:s and love:heart:
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiya and welcome to SF. I understand that you feel you're obsessed with suicide but why do you want to die? :sad: What makes you feel that low?
     
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Thank you for caring. :console: That in itself means a lot.
     
  10. carekitty

    carekitty Guest


    I guess it's a lot of things that have built up. I feel like I've hit rock bottom, and I'm just too tired to climb back up out of the pit. Just no strength left. And sometimes, it just feels like I don't have any other options to end the problems and pain.
     
  11. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    The logical progression from being psychiatrically depressed is to have thoughts of finding a way to end that horrible state and for many of us that "way" is to just end life. I have a nasty case of obsessive compulsive disorder so when I express suicidal ideations they are often attributed to my OCD. They are NOT obsessions they are just my wish to end a lifelong battle with the torture of depression.

    All people contend with adversity daily but most of us here have in spades. I hope your circumstances improve dramatically but if that can't happen anytime soon I hope you find a renewal of energy, strength and positivity. :console:
     
  12. carekitty

    carekitty Guest


    Thank you! Just knowing that there are others who have feelings the same that I do has really helped. I don't feel so alone. And although I am new here, I am really touched by the compassion I have seen here.
     
  13. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I'm glad this place has helped even in the short time you've been here.
    Stick around and keep posting :D
     
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