Obsessive love

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jenniferelaine, Apr 18, 2010.

  1. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    This is going to be a TL;DR. Skip to the end for the short version.

    I've posted before about how I was in a relationship with a guy for 3-ish years. Things were consistently up and down. We never really fought about little stuff..just one big thing that can't really be changed: how he felt about me (and sometimes how he treated me).

    So for nearly the past year, he "tried to make it work" and convince himself that he feels more for me than he really does. In his words, he was "content" with me, but never the blissfully happy that he has experienced in the past. Meanwhile, I was blissfully happy when things were good or good-ish, discontent and too afraid to say anything when they weren't. Things were more off than on, and I was (am) miserable. Even before this was going on, his treatment towards me declined.

    As a result of all of this up-and-down, sheer stubbornness on my part where I was willing to do ANYTHING to make it work....I've lost myself. My self-esteem is utterly decimated. If you asked me two years ago what goals I had for myself, what *I* liked to do, what made me happy, I would have had answers. Now I don't have happiness, I just exist in states of less or more misery. My self-worth is down the crapper too. I don't see value in myself, or why anyone would value me. In the past year, I've been suicidal a lot, and made a half-ass attempt (the first time I ever tried).

    On one hand, I know that I need to grab the bull by the balls and take back my life if I'm going to survive (and I mean that literally). However, the rest of me feels so beaten down, so tired by the past three years that I don't know if I have it in me. I saw a lot coming from this relationship, compromised SO MUCH of myself staying in it, and now I feel like an utter failure for not being able to see it through.

    People keep kicking me in the ass to "pull myself up". Right now, I feel like what I need is to be coddled. I *need* people to be there for me. I *need* to be told and shown that I'm valuable. Basically, I need to be held up right now, because I can't do it for myself. I'm told how I need to get out and do things. I don't even know where to begin.

    My behavior is irrational, erratic, and sometimes down right nuts. But when anxiety starts taking hold of me, I will do ANYTHING to stop it. I tried the healthful route with therapy and drugs. Then I started drinking. This is all just to suppress me calling or texting him. When things get really bad, that's when the suicidal thoughts come in. A couple of times, I have gone over there.

    Meanwhile, he tells me that I've trapped him. He can't move on properly because I can't give him the distance that he needs. He doesn't feel like he can cut me off because I've become his responsibility, and he's scared for what might happen. Throwing this on the pile only makes me feel worse...but I can't say that I completely disagree with him. I am NOT his responsibility, but I think that cutting each other off would be disastrous.

    So I try to take small steps: go out, go away for a weekend, not talk to him for a few days. Things seem like they're working when something happens and I go berserk. I get anxious, depressed, or lonely in an extreme way and come flying back even harder. I DO NOT want him romantically any longer. I want the friend and the support that I once had. However, this is asking him for too much because its not exactly distance-prompting.

    I don't know why this is happening. Because I am obsessed? Because I've completely lost my sense of self? Because I'm just plain nuts?

    Short version: I think I might be obsessed with my ex.
  2. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Really bad anxiety right now.

    Just saw a post on a mutual friends facebook where a random girl referenced cuddling.