Obsessive Suicidal Thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlienBeing, May 7, 2011.

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  1. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I can't stop thinking about killing myself. I don't see the point of any of this anymore. I've hardly gotten out of bed in weeks. I have no job, no friends, my family hardly speaks to me, don't even have a pet anymore. No one will miss me when I'm gone. Probably the only people who will feel bad at all are my therapist and my support worker because they've been caring for me for 11 years. It'll be a bad day at work for them. Any time I think of doing anything to change things, I wonder what the point is in any of it anyway. It's all so pointless. Life is pointless. I'm 47 years old and I have nothing to live for. I've never married, never had kids. It's been a nonexistence and will continue to be endless years of nonexistence. I'll just keep getting older and older and more and more alone, if that's even possible, I don't know. I guess it is since my mom is dying and my dad is very old. I'm not sure I can even face watching my mom die a most horrible death from brain cancer. I can't face it. Wish I could just take a pill that would peacefully put me to sleep forever.....I have no will to go on. It's like breathing has become an effort.
    I'm so tired I can barely breathe anymore. Please just let me die in my sleep tonight. Except I can't even do that. I don't sleep either. That's why I'm here in the middle of the night posting this pointless message about my pointless existence.
     
  2. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew what to tell you. I really just don't have any answers.

    I have wanted it all to be over with before, but I never wanted to die. I only wanted the pain, loneliness, and the memories to be over with. For me, I could never convince myself that death was the answer. Although I live in constant physical and emotional pain because of my memories attributed to childhood, I still am glad I am alive.

    I thought I was going to die once, and it was the scariest feelings I have ever known. I can't ever see death being the answer for me.
     
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Then why are you on a suicide forum? I'm looking for someone who understands what it's like to feel this way.
     
  4. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I put my nose into something which wasn't my business. I'll go back to my corner now.
     
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hi please dont feel alone you are not ..very far from it ...i think julia has a good point . suicide in some ways isnt always about death but more escaping the dreadful existance we have. I think if you read the links on julias pages you will see she has definately understood what it feels like to want to escape your existance. I just wanted to say that without sounding horrible or ficking an argument. but also i want you to know that u are not the only one who feels like the only way out is death because i have felt that too on many occasions and some of them have lasted a long time. Im so sorry you are feeling this awful pain and that your mum is so sick and if i can help in any way as im also up most nights just message me ill be glad to keep you company.
    much love sarah xx
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    have you let your therapist know how awful you have been feeling? perhaps there is something else to try, maybe seeing them more often, like twice a week, or attending an intensive outpatient program somewhere. i've done both when the suicidal feelings overcome me.

    i also feel very alone. i have never married and i don't have children. i connect with other people through volunteer work and a strong network of friends. i consider my friends my family. do you have any friends? i know it might seem like a lot of work to make new friends when you are feeling so low, but it will be worth it. volunteering makes you feel good. most places are so appreciative of their volunteers they give you plenty of positive feedback. it's win, win. you feel good about helping other people and they feel good about having some extra help.

    c.

    ps i'm not suicidal right now but am still on SF. i have been suicidal in the past and this place has saved my life on more than once occassion. i'm here to pass on the love.
     
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    She says she's NEVER felt suicidal. People like that just make me mad and should be banned. I can't remember ever being glad I was alive.
    My therapist knows I'm coming to places like this so he's got some idea about how bad I'm feeling. He's scheduling me more often without my even requesting it first, which is something he's NEVER done before.
    I have no friends. I've had some in the past but I kept losing them or dumping them when I got depressed and I don't even want to try anymore. The thing is, the kind of people I need to be around probably won't be interested in me anymore because I've become this useless recluse. There is one kind lady who sort of wants to be friends but she could die of her aneurysm any day. That's just my luck. Apparently nobody has read MY past threads either. If you had, you would Know I've tried everything. I've been in the "system" for 30 years and none of it has helped me feel glad I'm alive.
    I've probably seen at least a dozen therapists of one sort or another, a half dozen outpatient programs, including one for repeat suicide attempters that I did twice over. I've tried every antidepressant on the planet. I finally gave up. The only reason I see anybody now is to keep my housing. To stay in supportive housing you have to have to see a therapist and a support worker.Why they want to keep useless people alive so much is anybody's guess, but there you have it. Yes I've volunteered all over the place. I taught literacy. I helped high school students with math and science. I raised guide dog puppies for the blind until my parents refused to help drive me to the specific vet they use. I switched to fostering abused and abandoned dogs after that. Then I started walking dogs for money as well. I went back to school and have almost finished my degree in medical research, but I got too damned depressed to do any of that AGAIN. It all just keeps falling apart on me so I get hope then have it dashed. Nobody can say I haven't tried. In fact my support worker says he's NEVER seen anyone try so hard to overcome their illness. Yet here I am AGAIN. I'm so sick of it. If I go for more help again, I'll just be seen as one of those hopeless cases. I could hardly even find anyone to see me last time, got turned down repeatedly by therapists who saw me as too difficult a case or hopeless. That's how I ended up in the repeat suicide attempter's program because the hospital couldn't place me as an outpatient any place else. (Did you know that someone who repeatedly tries to kill themselves is 40 times more likely to succeed in it eventually than someone who feels suicidal but has never tried?) Then that program found me my current therapist. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Like what is this? A career in being a mental patient? FML
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2011
  8. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I didn't say I never had suicidal thoughts. I said I never wanted to die. A person can be suicidal and still not want to die.

    I'm sorry if I offended you in my earlier comment, that was unintentional. If I did in this comment, again I apologize. :i'm sorry:
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Ilive with suicidal Ideation and have tried three times..It's not something easily to overcome.. As far as attacking Julia that was wrong.. She was just trying to help..
     
  10. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I'm just in a fucking bad mood and spreading my misery around. I'm drunk now though. That's an improvement. I'd still really rather not hear from someone who's never wanted to die though. I can't relate to that. Sorry. Just can't. It's not helpful.
    If you've never wanted to die before PLEASE stop talking to me. I'm suicidal here, OK? I don't need an argument from anyone or criticism. This isn't a debate. I WANT TO DIE! OK!?
    Like WTF? I'm going back to my pro choice site where they're sending me flowers and condolences, wishing me luck on my efforts and saying they'll miss me. I'll take that any day of the week to syrupy sweet saviours, posers and the critical, argumentative types here. What next? Someone trying to talk me into it! Probably. I've seen that here too but never on the pro choice site. This place sucks.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2011
  11. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    hope you feel better.

    ---------- Post added at 12:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:45 AM ----------

    Alienbeing. Your writing shows you are in great trouble. I wish you good luck. But control your anger. It was a mistake to attack Julia. It is anger that is making you do it. We all must learn to control our anger. Anger is very harmful.

    ---------- Post added at 12:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:53 AM ----------

    Alienbeing. Your writing shows you are in great trouble. I wish you good luck. But control your anger. It was a mistake to attack Julia. It is anger that is making you do it. We all must learn to control our anger. Anger is very harmful.
     
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