obsessive thoughts of suicide

[theNameOfNoOne]

I'm 31. In recovery for alcohol and drugs for over a year. Life isn't directly bad, but it's become a battlefield of obsessively thinking about and finding ways to kill myself. I'm currently off my meds which I'm working on. I just don't know anyone equipped to handle me if I try to talk about it. I feel like a ticking bomb. I'll spend hours researching things like <Mod Edit-Methods> in between sleeping 18 hours at a time. I've withdrawn as much as possible from people because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for from here but I'm hoping for something . I do have 2 serious attempts that failed which doesn't help because I feel I'm close to the point where I'm about to give no fucks again. Sorry if this was a long post...

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome, I have edited your post as it contained suicide methods. Please read the sites guidelines.
Well done on getting clean from alcohol and drugs, that is a great achievement. I think after getting through that you can put your mind to improving your life. Just curious though, why do you sleep 18 hours a day? Or even how?! I'm glad you survived your attempts, suicide is never a solution to anything.

 

[theNameOfNoOne]

I sleep 18 hours at a time not necessarily in a day. I'm just to depressed to get out of bed. The running monologue in my head of how or where to do it is constant thing while I'm awake. I have methods for the addiction but they don't compare with the overwhelming places my thoughts keep going with the suicidal obsession. Thanks for your support. I guess I'm hoping talking about it will help or something. It definitely isolates me from the people I do know in my life

 

[Sad&Bipolar]

You are not alone. My SI thoughts torture me. I either get very little sleep, or sleep for many hours. This is common with depression. You are right about talking about your thoughts and feelings, it helps a lot to release all those emotions. I tend to isolate too. Confiding in friends or family isn't something I can do. Instead, I open up to my therapist who is extremely helpful, and I post here and on other sites. Keep talking here. There are a lot of very compassionate people on this site. Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are just feelings. It is important to remain in control of your actions. It can be so overwhelming at times, but the really hard times do end, and thoughts and feelings will change for the positive.