Waisting my time. Wasting time. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be with myself and others. No patience. Desilluded about myself. Nothing change. I don't change. Everybody change for the best or the worst (depenfing how you look at it). I'm mostly the same. People see (or want to see or are lying to get me) some radiance. I'm the one that knows that inside everything is pretty much the same. A rot building will always be rotten.you cannot change the inside, the story, the who I am. I'm tired. Tired of people expecting something else, someone else. Why should everything has to do with the illness. Maybe I'm just a lazy Untalented and stubborn person. Why should I show you some changes? Depression is and will always be a part of my life. Stop just stop making me feel bad about it, I'm working, I'm eating, I'm smeepong, I'm doing a bit of sport, I'm seeing some people. But I feel lonely just the same. You know why? Because I hate myself, I think I should be different, eat different, sport diffrent, take the most (and not the Leat) life has to ofer. I'm just a depressive person and I don't expect you to live my life, nor do I expect you to take care of me: live your life, if you can love me AT times, good, if It's to hard: I understand. God yes: I do understand. Don't ask me to be the happy dynamic kind of person you think I should be (I think I should be): just let me be. Let me be.. Let me live as Untalented, wasted (as you May judge). I'm here. In this word. That's what it is: who are you to tell me smthg, you: you the neurotic, agitated kind of life?! I imagine myself being in a quite environment, people that vaue this live with me. I know it costs a lot to have peace, but Let me do my trial when the times come. I've been through do much. I just don't give a fuck of you feeling lonely, disrespected or whatever: I don't do what I do for you. I'm not who I am because of you. I'm how I am because of my choices. Well these choices até wrong? Well? Is that all YOU have to say: my choices are wrong?! Don't you have something else to do, someone elses YOU can love because YOU identify with them and not with me: go André happy were YOU think you'll be happier. I won't change for YOU. I won't stop "being" (feeling is more correct) for YOU. I would like to sometimes... Just have a break of other people 's love. But It's tiresome. It's not me. I am too this dull, Untalented person AT times. And my life is an example of that: sometimes I'm good, sometimes not. But one constant in my life is that I know too much that I don't feel good. AT any time. It's just excitement not happiness. I'm not a happy person. Sorry but that's true. I'm blue and feeling Out of the world, guilty of god-knows-what most of the time. Briefly: obsolescence. That's the word of my life. And there's a mudic to that word. Maybe people here will say: you're used to your suffering. And you're right. I'm so used to it that this is the only constant in my life. Oh: you're afraid of being happy. No.I'm afraid of being who you think I am. Which by the way I don't have any idea. But AT the end of my life, on my dying bed (or seat, or tree) I'll tell you if I lived my life "well". For now (and forever) I don't know where I'm heading. Just live your life, second by second. And Nothing productive has been made Out of this seconds: well I'm Sorry you're so blind. I've been suffering for flal days, but I didn't kill myself, I didn't harm anyone. Oh YOU wanted me to be with you all cheerfull só that you could feel happy, right?! Bugger off. I don't want you to feel blue because of me. Just levar me Alone and live your life. This is who I am. I am suffering most of the time. My head, my body aches most of the time. I'm stick of me most of the time. But we were Talking about productivity and about you (the judges) being blind: well what is productivity? What is efficiency? It all comes down to using your time the best you can: well when I'm sleeping, l'm not suffering. When I'm suffering I'm not making you suffer, I'm not harming anybody, l'm not harming te society. My resilience is week: I won't do with kids and a family to take care of. Maybe you're right. Maybe... Do you read future in people' suffering? Oh that's right you read paterns and you're all mighty you, happy, people. Well good. Now Let me be will you. Ok Sorry for the childish tone, for the provocation. I just needed to vent. To allow myself to be ok with me even when I feel miserable. Really I just want to be. That's it.