Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by darcy99, Apr 27, 2015.

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  1. darcy99

    darcy99 Member

    Hello~ I have an alcohol problem and have had it for 20+ years. I didn't start drinking until I was 21 but have been drinking pretty consistently since then. The last few years it has become unmanageable. I only drink in the evening/at night which is suppose is better than drinking all day but I feel like it is controlling my life. Each day I get up saying I am not going to drink today and then by early afternoon I am saying well, I may or may not drink today and then by the time I get off work it is of course I am going to drink today. I can drink a lot in a few hours and it takes until around lunch time the next day to feel that the effects of the alcohol have worn off. I am trying to get help but keep running into issues. My problem is I don't want my family or friends to know I have this issue and I don't want it on my permanent health record from using my health insurance. I attended an AA meeting a week ago and fought back tears through the entire meeting. There were around 50 people there and I was afraid they were going to call on me to speak. They didn't however I am very nervous to go to another one. I went to fill out some paperwork today for private one-on-one counseling however it is too much for me to pay out of pocket so if I decide to do it, it will have to go through insurance and I am so afraid of that and it causing problems in the future if I ever need to find another job or change insurance companies. Also, the earliest they can get me in for the evaluation is 6/26/15. Part of me says I have battling this for 20 years I can do it for a couple of more months however the other part of me is saying I don't have the strength to wait two more months. I am so tired. The only reason I am still here is because my family loves me and I don't want to hurt them. The last couple of weeks, my suicidal thoughts have been taking over my life. I think about it all the time. I think deep down I don't really want to kill myself I just feel like there is no way out for me and suicide might really be the only option. I am trying to stay positive but I am getting very tired and don't feel like I can fight much longer. I stopped taking my anti-depressants a few weeks ago due to the cost and now I am crying all the time again. I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this week and will try to see if he could put me on something cheaper. He did have a couple of options last time but wanted to increase my dose of my current medication first to see if that would help, which it didn't seem to. I wish I could tell my psychiatrist the issues I am facing but I can't tell him either due to the insurance issue. My mind is racing all the time and I can't concentrate on anything. I just want to leave and go somewhere far away and forget about my life for a while. I was sure I was having a heart attack last night my heart was pounding so hard. I kept getting up because I couldn't sleep like that and it was scaring me. I think it was probably a panic attack or something but I took an asprin just in case. I don't know how much longer I can live like this and really need to find some way out soon. Thanks for listening.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's hard to deal with such a problem but do not ashamed of it as you are taking positive steps. I think that you need support of your loved ones as they might be understanding. It's nothing to be ashamed off as you are trying your best. The group therapy will help and once you have opened to a bunch of strangers you will feel relieved in yourself. They will be understanding as they face the same day to day problems as you do.

    It's your decision but keep posting here for continous support. It's hard to cope with everyday but YOU CAN DO IT. Just deal with one day at a time and do not act on any feelings.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you are looking for help. So far as your concerns about a permanent, health records are kept very private- federal law mandates it , and alcohol treatment falls under mental health law which is even far more restrictive. Nobody will ever be told by your insurance company. Where you get treatment will never disclose to anybody unless you tell them to do so in writing. The worry that some have of being asked on a questionnaire or application if you have a history of alcoholism or drug abuse for some very high end job, the answer to that is a yes whether you get treatment or not; and not getting treatment is far more issue than treatment. The number of jobs that can legally even ask that is very very limited. When it comes to close friends and family, personal experience tells me if you are drinking that much every night the only person that is being fooled into not thinking people do not already know is you. The drinking is also likely why your antidepressants are not working well. Taking a tiny 40 mg Prozac (or whatever med) is not going to be very effective when also taking a couple liters of a very strong depressant.

    Talk to your psychiatrist as the alcohol is a very serious mental health issue and is best treated by a professional.
  4. darcy99

    darcy99 Member

    @Unknown_111 - I will keep another meeting in mind it is just so much harder than I even thought it would be. I knew it would be hard but not this hard. I don't know if I can do it again but will keep it in mind. I can't tell my family/friends even though I agree support from someone I know would help I just can't do it. Alcoholism runs in my family and someone in my family died at the age I will be this year from liver issues caused by alcohol abuse. I think if I killed myself they would take it better than hearing that I have an alcohol problem.

    @NYJmpMaster - Thank you for your information about the insurance. I do feel a little better about it now but still a little nervous. I did seek out a different counselor today and was able to get in later this week and I am using my insurance, even though I am still nervous about it. I can't afford to pay out of pocket so that is really my only option. I have lived alone for the past 17 years and when I drink in public, I drink very little. It is when I get home and I am alone that I drink a lot. That is how I am able to hide it. I usually drink a couple bottles of wine and 3-4 beers per night. It is 8:20PM here now and I haven't had a drink yet today, although I am currently thinking where I am going to go to get some alcohol because I don't have much here. That is something I don't understand about myself, if I can go this long throughout the day without a drink, why can't I go a few more hours? I won't be able to though. Hopefully the counselor can help me work through it.

    Thank You both for your advice.
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