Hello~ I have an alcohol problem and have had it for 20+ years. I didn't start drinking until I was 21 but have been drinking pretty consistently since then. The last few years it has become unmanageable. I only drink in the evening/at night which is suppose is better than drinking all day but I feel like it is controlling my life. Each day I get up saying I am not going to drink today and then by early afternoon I am saying well, I may or may not drink today and then by the time I get off work it is of course I am going to drink today. I can drink a lot in a few hours and it takes until around lunch time the next day to feel that the effects of the alcohol have worn off. I am trying to get help but keep running into issues. My problem is I don't want my family or friends to know I have this issue and I don't want it on my permanent health record from using my health insurance. I attended an AA meeting a week ago and fought back tears through the entire meeting. There were around 50 people there and I was afraid they were going to call on me to speak. They didn't however I am very nervous to go to another one. I went to fill out some paperwork today for private one-on-one counseling however it is too much for me to pay out of pocket so if I decide to do it, it will have to go through insurance and I am so afraid of that and it causing problems in the future if I ever need to find another job or change insurance companies. Also, the earliest they can get me in for the evaluation is 6/26/15. Part of me says I have battling this for 20 years I can do it for a couple of more months however the other part of me is saying I don't have the strength to wait two more months. I am so tired. The only reason I am still here is because my family loves me and I don't want to hurt them. The last couple of weeks, my suicidal thoughts have been taking over my life. I think about it all the time. I think deep down I don't really want to kill myself I just feel like there is no way out for me and suicide might really be the only option. I am trying to stay positive but I am getting very tired and don't feel like I can fight much longer. I stopped taking my anti-depressants a few weeks ago due to the cost and now I am crying all the time again. I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this week and will try to see if he could put me on something cheaper. He did have a couple of options last time but wanted to increase my dose of my current medication first to see if that would help, which it didn't seem to. I wish I could tell my psychiatrist the issues I am facing but I can't tell him either due to the insurance issue. My mind is racing all the time and I can't concentrate on anything. I just want to leave and go somewhere far away and forget about my life for a while. I was sure I was having a heart attack last night my heart was pounding so hard. I kept getting up because I couldn't sleep like that and it was scaring me. I think it was probably a panic attack or something but I took an asprin just in case. I don't know how much longer I can live like this and really need to find some way out soon. Thanks for listening.