I recently talked to a mental health professional on a website offering free counseling for people in dire need of it.
I feel terrible about myself. I have aggressive sexual fantasies going on loop in my mind and I feel so ashamed of them.
I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was 6 and he was either 14 or 15. I've never really felt bad about it. Like I suspect the years he lived with his biological dad (we're stepbrothers) he might have been exposed to the same. So I never hated him for it nor felt he truly understood his actions. I did however spoil most of my sisters party with friends a few days before getting married telling her it because I needed to know if she had experienced the same (she hadn't). She promised never to tell our mom though, because as I said, I gone past it and no need to rip up all wounds.
Fast forward a few years and I started developing a problem with addiction. And I was never built nor have the conscience (or lack of) to commit crime. So I prostituted myself to older men. And I felt gross doing it. But even after having gone through rehab and getting clean, with no need to do so, I've done it again a few times. Been with older men that leaves me feeling gross and exploited. But it's my own fault. I've sought that out on my own even though it feels like repeating a pattern of selfharm somehow.
So recently I've talked to this person. Because I have these sexual aggressive ideas in my head. Things I'd never do to anyone but can't keep thinking of. And she mentioned OCD, I don't know if I have that but I know I can't keep pursuing sexual encounters that are so much against my own selfunderstanding and leaves me feeling really disgusting and hollow. It's like I keep living the same things over and over and even when I don't need to keep doing it, I just do it anyways because I don't know better or haven't learned to deal with it and overcome it.
And the fact it feeds into my own sexual fantasies, almost becomes the norm, is so offputting and shameful for me. I can't read about Jeffrey Epstein without feeling more jealous at him than disgusted.
I almost can't stand it anymore. I feel so gross inside. I haven't told anyone besides a few therapists about it but I just feel like I can contain it. That it's gonna spill over into reality. That I shouldn't have internet or be able to go out anymore because the fear is I'll exploit someone or let them exploit me. It's so stupid of me resorting to repeat things like that to reinforce and validate how gross I feel I am.
I feel terrible about myself. I have aggressive sexual fantasies going on loop in my mind and I feel so ashamed of them.
I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was 6 and he was either 14 or 15. I've never really felt bad about it. Like I suspect the years he lived with his biological dad (we're stepbrothers) he might have been exposed to the same. So I never hated him for it nor felt he truly understood his actions. I did however spoil most of my sisters party with friends a few days before getting married telling her it because I needed to know if she had experienced the same (she hadn't). She promised never to tell our mom though, because as I said, I gone past it and no need to rip up all wounds.
Fast forward a few years and I started developing a problem with addiction. And I was never built nor have the conscience (or lack of) to commit crime. So I prostituted myself to older men. And I felt gross doing it. But even after having gone through rehab and getting clean, with no need to do so, I've done it again a few times. Been with older men that leaves me feeling gross and exploited. But it's my own fault. I've sought that out on my own even though it feels like repeating a pattern of selfharm somehow.
So recently I've talked to this person. Because I have these sexual aggressive ideas in my head. Things I'd never do to anyone but can't keep thinking of. And she mentioned OCD, I don't know if I have that but I know I can't keep pursuing sexual encounters that are so much against my own selfunderstanding and leaves me feeling really disgusting and hollow. It's like I keep living the same things over and over and even when I don't need to keep doing it, I just do it anyways because I don't know better or haven't learned to deal with it and overcome it.
And the fact it feeds into my own sexual fantasies, almost becomes the norm, is so offputting and shameful for me. I can't read about Jeffrey Epstein without feeling more jealous at him than disgusted.
I almost can't stand it anymore. I feel so gross inside. I haven't told anyone besides a few therapists about it but I just feel like I can contain it. That it's gonna spill over into reality. That I shouldn't have internet or be able to go out anymore because the fear is I'll exploit someone or let them exploit me. It's so stupid of me resorting to repeat things like that to reinforce and validate how gross I feel I am.