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OCD. (long post)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheWr0ngChild, Nov 8, 2009.

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  1. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    I havn't posted here in a while, as I felt SF has had somewhat of an emo takeover. Now while I'm not calling anyone here a whiner, I have lurked and seen many posts from people who are only here for one reason, attention. Trust me, if you are one of those people, you have no idea what it's really like to feel so bad taking your life seems the only good option.

    I spose I didn't want to be boxed along with them, so just so everyone knows, I'm not new, but you might not have seen me before.

    Now these past few weeks, an old childhood friend has come back to me, OCD. In the past OCD (combined with Asperger's Syndrome, which is also riddled with obsessive behavours) made me do the dumbest of things, like I had to continualy check the kitchen cutlery draw was closed. It couldn't be open even a chink otherwise I felt the most extreme distress.

    I haven't had OCD for about 5 years, until about 3 months ago, when it came back with a vengance. This time it's attacking me with something far worse than light switches or cutlery drawers. This time it wants me to meddle with the settings on my computer, and possibly cause irrepairable damage to the computer, which I rely on for my wavering sanity. When the computer does break down or fail, I go into something which could only be described as hysterical panic. To look at me, you'd think someone close to me had died.

    This OCD is awful for many reasons, it's potentialy very expensive, and we have no spare money for getting things like messed up computers fixed, and it is making my partner, who also uses the computer, very, very pissed off.

    I've already had to do a system restore because of something I did on here, which again made my poor partner very annoyed, as I had promised him I would not do anything on here par go online and talk on IM.

    I will backtrack a bit and say I'm not THAT good or confident on computers, I can use them perfectly ok, I know what I'm doing using programs and setting basic settings, setting up things like printers etc, but I'm not at an advanced level really. I'm your intermediate computer user, not a dunce, but then not a wizz either. So when my OCD wants me to stsrt poking about with 'advanced' settings & stuff, I'm out of my depth. I'm not doing the things the OCD is asking, so I'm struggling to eat, crying all the time, finding it hard to take care of myself and I have a constant 'tight' pain in my chest.
    There is a battle inside me, and it feels even my own thoughts are staging a coup against me as the OCD gains more ground.

    I miss the days when I was happy to sit here, browse the web with my ipod on, talking to people on facebook, you know, everyday home stuff. I wish my mind had a 'system restore' option, so I could go back to those days.

    Now I only have to see a computer on TV, when I'm out, in someone's house etc and I'm in floods of tears having a panic attack. I've been stuck downstairs for the past few days doing crosswords and watching him on his xbox, not so much fun listening to him cheer when he beats John Cena on Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 lol, but then again better than crying and having chest pain because my OCD has pulled yet another 'experiment' out of the hat for me to do on the computer.

    I am waiting for a refferal to an Asperger's specialist, but because I live in a small, rather rundown town, with no Autism specific psychological services, my GP is having to push for me to be reffered out of county, so it takes much longer because it has to go to the local PCT, who have to decide if I'm bad enough to warrent being reffered out of county *sigh*

    I have never dealt with OCD on my own like this before, I have no strategies in place to deal with it, and if I wasn't with my partner, who worships the ground I walk on, I would probably have put myself out of this misery, yes, you heard me, killed myself over a computer.

    I'm struggling so much right now, the only trigger I can possibly think of is my grandma's death, she died about 4 months ago, and everytime I panic over computers, I always think of her, and the decline she endured before she died. To cut a long, sad stroy short, she was 88 years old, hated doctors so much she allowed cateracts to develop until she was 90% blind, so she could not see the terrible state her home was in. She lived in worse conditions than she was born in 88 years ago, before things like the NHS were even conceived and cars were strictly for the rich. I didn't see her for about 7 years, then I never saw her again, because I feel nobody could be bothered to make the 6 hour drive down to the suffolk coast, where she lived.

    She only rememberes me as the 'naughty child', because I never got to see her in my more responsable years, when I had learned some manners and the ability to hold intelligent conversation.

    Anyway, sorry about the long post, I doubt anyone will bother replying, but if anyone has any ideas as to how I can deal with this OCD, then I would be very grateful.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have never had OCD but hear it is overwhelming at times. The only true way to get control of this i believe is with therapy. You can use distractions or tell yourself the thoughts you are having are just that thoughts and acknowledge them as that. Tell them okay there is that thought again but i will just not act on it because i know it is not necessary. I hope as well you are on some anxiety meds as this can help with OCD I am sorry for your loss of your grandmother she is still with you watching you from above. Take care i do hope you get to your specialist soon keep posting here as it does also help to get the thougths out of your head and on the screen to view. Take one day at a time okay.
  3. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    what made ur OCD go away the first time?
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