Its been a while since I've posted. Things haven't been great at all. On top of the really bad feelings I had now I have developed OCD. It is so tough to have it. Yesterday the OCD increased dramatically. My dad was sitting on a chair that I used to really like and now I feel that it is contaminated. I use this seat a lot because I use it for computer purposes. I can't take this any longer and I know that going to the therapist will make me feel bad about the suicidal thoughts and she will deter me from thinking that way. I am tired of all this none sense. Why aren't we allowed to just die? Why can't we even have a discussion about it? It is a morbid topic but it is so hard to have to battle it on ones own. I really don't want to see her because if I see her I want to tell her that I want to kill myself and if I don't then I will lose her support and she is amazing. Will she be able to handle a dying me? If not who will bear the burden of my new state of hopelessness? Will I dump it all on her? It is not fair. I am finding that I am reaching the end of my rope. I don't know how much more I have in the the tank. I really like my therapist and I don't want to hurt her because I am so depressed. I feel that my suicidality (if there is such a word) is contagious and I don't want to transmit it to her. The pain is immense.