OCD trigger

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by roksy, May 27, 2013.

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  1. roksy

    roksy Well-Known Member

    Its been a while since I've posted. Things haven't been great at all. On top of the really bad feelings I had now I have developed OCD. It is so tough to have it.

    Yesterday the OCD increased dramatically. My dad was sitting on a chair that I used to really like and now I feel that it is contaminated. I use this seat a lot because I use it for computer purposes.

    I can't take this any longer and I know that going to the therapist will make me feel bad about the suicidal thoughts and she will deter me from thinking that way. I am tired of all this none sense. Why aren't we allowed to just die? Why can't we even have a discussion about it?

    It is a morbid topic but it is so hard to have to battle it on ones own. I really don't want to see her because if I see her I want to tell her that I want to kill myself and if I don't then I will lose her support and she is amazing. Will she be able to handle a dying me? If not who will bear the burden of my new state of hopelessness? Will I dump it all on her? It is not fair.

    I am finding that I am reaching the end of my rope. I don't know how much more I have in the the tank. I really like my therapist and I don't want to hurt her because I am so depressed. I feel that my suicidality (if there is such a word) is contagious and I don't want to transmit it to her.

    The pain is immense.
  2. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Tell your therapist. She needs to be let in in order to help. Therapists are professionals and I like to think they have built up a sort of armour. Hopefully, if anything, she'll be able to help you find a cure.

    And I can relate to the OCD. I have my bad days. I can't sit on a chair at home with covering it with a blanket. I find the less worry and stress in my life, the less I have OCD. Maybe your worry about the sucidal feelings and not telling your therapist are pushing you back down.
  3. roksy

    roksy Well-Known Member

    Hopefully, if anything, she'll be able to help you find a cure.

    Yeah sure... like there is a cure for my life. That's exactly what I want to avoid by telling her. Rejection rather than acceptance.

    Thanks though.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    did you tell her that when you bring the suicide subjects she deters you away? because if you tell her, and that you want to discuss it further or that you just want her to listen and not give advice...I'm sure she'll understand and give you the space you need to get it off your chest...I mean she's there for you so don't keep it inside...

    and you can always vent here like you're doing now :) we'll listen
  5. roksy

    roksy Well-Known Member

    Thanks morning rush for the advise. Maybe I will bring it up with her and see how to unfolds.
  6. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    you're welcome :) I'm sure it will go well and you'll feel so much better afterwards...it's a big step to take but so rewarding...I remember when I would go to my therapist and I barely talked in the beginning...and then I started to talk and I felt so much better...it turned out that she wasn't against me like everyone else (well I felt) so it helped me see a different side of the world too...
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