About a month and a bit ago I took <Mod Edit: No methods please>. Recently Ex-BF was no longer talking to me but he was talking to my little brother and my bro told him over msn when it happened. His words: she's too much drama. I f****king calculated my exact body weight in relation to the xxxxx dose, looked up side effects and had been researching suicide methods for roughly one month day on end hour after hour to see what would be the most effective/cost efficient and least traumatizing way to go. I wrote my notes. I was goddamn serious. No f****king drama bullshit, I was to become unable to move within an hour, slip into a coma over night while my parents slept and eventually with luck go into cardiac arrest. Unfortuntately pills are a slow and unreliable method due to a whole slew of circumstances. Anyhow I contacted some friends to say "whats up, I love you" before I would be unable to speak, put on some soft music and layed down feeling my legs go numb. I had talked to her and lied about things being okay and then I kinda of confessed, backed out and she called an ambulance. Than I felt like a failure for backing out and ended up in ER all night with a f****king mom who I had to reassure and take care of when the doctors told me" the only thing we can do is give you charcoal and hope it absorbs it and we dont know whats gonna happen to you but you called early and so your probably only gonna have permanent liver damage". I call Asshole face (ex bf) the next day even though he doesn't want to speak to me and now he has a gf I'm unaware of (which I am later to find out) and he knows about what happened and he hesitates to pick up the phone and when he does its the most coldest voice I ever did hear in my entire f****king life and he tells me I'm too much drama and hopes I find someone compatible and wants me to stop contacting him. Then it's off to the mental health unit for 5.5 days, meeting cool people and getting all my meals made for me, not worrying about housecleaning or pets to take care of or anything except taking my sedatives at 8 and 5 and eating my lunch at 12 with tea in between meals. Then off to arts and crafts making picture frames and stained glass butterflies. PERFECT! It was f***ing heaven and I'm not kidding. I never wanted to leave. I get home a couple days ago, accidently come across his profile pic (ex bf)and he's awkwardly posed with some big boobed, michael jackson looking persian or afghani chick and he's got the most smug look on his face saying "F**K YOU (My name) TAKE MY D**K AND S**K IT!" I go into hysteria and call the cops cause I feel like I'm gonna drown myself and I feel like I'm being raped over and over and over as his drills her in my head (sexual abuse memories resurfacing from childhood). They show up and I wait in the hospital for hours crying and screaming and begging my heart will just stop already. I call ex bf from the hospital phone and leave a message to him to NEVER contact my brother again because I hate this f**king communication they have together (my bro had been telling me things in the hospital that they talked about). I was given the option to either go home and cry it out "cause it happens to us all hunny and thats life" or to be involuntarily put into a 14 day isolation at the psych ward. No thanks. So I go home and cry more. I admit, suicide weighs on my mind constantly. But so does other things. Shortly after this incident I drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine and took 4 painkillers. I didn't intend on killing myself but I sure as heck couldn't move so a friend called the ambulance and I was sent right back to the mental health ward for a couple more days. I had to stay at a friend's house for a few days after that, not feeling the least bit stable. I have tried to strangle myself a number of times and am still thinking about it. I also have another plan which is expensive and time consuming and would allow me to die peacefully but also in a panic since it would take a few minutes to die. This is why I haven't attempted full out hanging yet.