OD and strangling :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nyx, Jul 4, 2009.

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  1. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    About a month and a bit ago I took <Mod Edit: No methods please>. Recently Ex-BF was no longer talking to me but he was talking to my little brother and my bro told him over msn when it happened. His words: she's too much drama.

    I f****king calculated my exact body weight in relation to the xxxxx dose, looked up side effects and had been researching suicide methods for roughly one month day on end hour after hour to see what would be the most effective/cost efficient and least traumatizing way to go. I wrote my notes. I was goddamn serious. No f****king drama bullshit, I was to become unable to move within an hour, slip into a coma over night while my parents slept and eventually with luck go into cardiac arrest. Unfortuntately pills are a slow and unreliable method due to a whole slew of circumstances.

    Anyhow I contacted some friends to say "whats up, I love you" before I would be unable to speak, put on some soft music and layed down feeling my legs go numb. I had talked to her and lied about things being okay and then I kinda of confessed, backed out and she called an ambulance. Than I felt like a failure for backing out and ended up in ER all night with a f****king mom who I had to reassure and take care of when the doctors told me" the only thing we can do is give you charcoal and hope it absorbs it and we dont know whats gonna happen to you but you called early and so your probably only gonna have permanent liver damage". I call Asshole face (ex bf) the next day even though he doesn't want to speak to me and now he has a gf I'm unaware of (which I am later to find out) and he knows about what happened and he hesitates to pick up the phone and when he does its the most coldest voice I ever did hear in my entire f****king life and he tells me I'm too much drama and hopes I find someone compatible and wants me to stop contacting him.

    Then it's off to the mental health unit for 5.5 days, meeting cool people and getting all my meals made for me, not worrying about housecleaning or pets to take care of or anything except taking my sedatives at 8 and 5 and eating my lunch at 12 with tea in between meals. Then off to arts and crafts making picture frames and stained glass butterflies. PERFECT! It was f***ing heaven and I'm not kidding. I never wanted to leave. I get home a couple days ago, accidently come across his profile pic (ex bf)and he's awkwardly posed with some big boobed, michael jackson looking persian or afghani chick and he's got the most smug look on his face saying "F**K YOU (My name) TAKE MY D**K AND S**K IT!" I go into hysteria and call the cops cause I feel like I'm gonna drown myself and I feel like I'm being raped over and over and over as his drills her in my head (sexual abuse memories resurfacing from childhood).

    They show up and I wait in the hospital for hours crying and screaming and begging my heart will just stop already. I call ex bf from the hospital phone and leave a message to him to NEVER contact my brother again because I hate this f**king communication they have together (my bro had been telling me things in the hospital that they talked about). I was given the option to either go home and cry it out "cause it happens to us all hunny and thats life" or to be involuntarily put into a 14 day isolation at the psych ward. No thanks. So I go home and cry more.

    I admit, suicide weighs on my mind constantly. But so does other things.

    Shortly after this incident I drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine and took 4 painkillers. I didn't intend on killing myself but I sure as heck couldn't move so a friend called the ambulance and I was sent right back to the mental health ward for a couple more days. I had to stay at a friend's house for a few days after that, not feeling the least bit stable.

    I have tried to strangle myself a number of times and am still thinking about it. I also have another plan which is expensive and time consuming and would allow me to die peacefully but also in a panic since it would take a few minutes to die. This is why I haven't attempted full out hanging yet.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2009
  2. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I suppose that's one of the problems with the Internet. An ex can't just disappear like he's supposed to so you can get busy getting over him. He's always just a couple of clicks away; he's always an email or an IM or a Facebook page away.

    And yet the Internet isolates us too. We have virtual friends instead of real friends, we comment on each other's Facebook instead of picking up the phone and calling each other.

    I'm seriously considering ending all social aspects of my time on the Internet and insisting that if a friend or relative wants to communicate with me, they have to pick up the phone or come see me. But that's a rant for another section, isn't it?

    I have some idea of what you're going through. It seems that once people get over their heartbreaks, they forget just how painful it is. Then they pat you on the head like some slow-witted pet, tell you you'll get over it and send you home.

    Maybe you can get away for the summer? Stay with an out-of-town friend and go cold turkey on the Internet, the cell phone, etc. for a while?
  3. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a really messed up situation. Like bright1 said, maybe it would just be better to cut off all contact with the guy. If you feel he's treated you badly, then why keep looking him up? Leave to whatever future awaits him. I know it's really hard, especially with so much info available on the web, but it'll be easier to cope with it and figure out a place to go from here the less you know.

    As for attempting, I'm not necessarily going to tell you not to do it. But, you can always put it off. Once it's done, there's no going back. So, let's think about the other things you could do instead of killing yourself. You could get some counseling to sort out why this hit you as hard as it did, and it's probably not a bad idea to see someone for a little while anyway. Suicide is traumatic even when you don't die from it, and I can tell you from experience it helps a little to have someone non-judgemental to talk to about it. Suicide scares most people, because it forces them to confront loss and mortality, so people can be down right mean about it sometimes. A therapist, at least a good one, will try to help you sort out what brought you there without the judgement. You could get your closest girlfriends together and make a night of it. It sounds like there are some people in your life that really care for you. Instead of getting upset about your ex, you could be doing something fun with them. Or you could take up a new hobby or sport or something, to get your mind off of it. If you like art projects, maybe you could take a sculpting or drawing class or something. Or, you could hang out here and talk to the wonderful people of SF, who are often very helpful in both helping you sort out your feelings and keeping your mind off stuff, whichever you need at the time.

    There are a lot of options out there, and it's worth it to try them out. Suicide hurts you, but it hurts the people around you, too, and arguably more since they may have to live with it longer if you succeed. So, why not exhaust your other possibilities before you take the permanent way out? Either way, best of luck.
  4. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    bright1, I feel the same way about the net, yet I'm addicted. I cut off all contact with him by the way (after he sent me an email from an email I wrote I haven't replied and this was like probably almost a month ago now). I also haven't looked at his fb even though he has it locked. Last time, I saw the girl on his profile and it hurt like hell. I keep writing him that stupid email back (in my head only) over and over and over. I think about all the things I want to say and how it would just lead nowhere: either he wouldn't respond or he would and it would hurt and be awkward.

    attack_amazon: I don't have any friends. My only girlfriend freaked out at me a couple weeks ago and stopped talking to me after telling me I'm an idiot for trying to kill myself, I'm abusing all the love that everyone is giving me and she had a worse childhood yet she doesn't take advantage of that, she just keeps on going and is doing better than me. She then told me to kill myself if I really want to.

    This is another reason I don't want to go on.

    I don't have any friends (haven't for YEARS) and just when I make one (reconnected with her from childhood), she treats me like shit and then abandons me.

    I'm so exhausted mentally. I don't know how to hold on. The depression is not lifting and I can't breathe.

    I know there is no going back, which does stop me from going all the way, but honestly I just can't get the thoughts out of my head. I'm miserable. I always have been since I was a kid. The thought of working a job full time or even part time, forever until retirement makes me SICK! I have a part time job now and it makes me even more depressed. People say, "well everyone has to work" but it just sucks the essence out of me. I hate this society!!!!! I want to be a hunter/gatherer. I feel crushed living this way. 9-5, grocery stores, malls, internet relationships, etc.
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry i don't have any advice right now. I just wanted to say if ever you need anything, a shoulder to lean on, or just someone to vent at, feel free to pm me. :hug: take care
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