OD failed; I am an emotional wreck

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by tennisgurl, Jun 3, 2007.

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  1. tennisgurl

    tennisgurl Member

    I took an intentional OD of vallium on Wednesday and they found me in time to get me to the hospital. I felt like I was treated like a criminal by the ER doctor. My family doctor came and he was extremely compassionate but I was still ashamed to face him.
    When I was taken to ICU, I felt even more like a criminal. They locked the bathroom and they kept the door open to keep checking on me. I freaked out when I saw my name on a sheet of paper the nurse had and "OD" was by it.
    As would happen, my therapist was out of town all week so his partner came and saw me in the hospital.
    When I was discharged, I was so unsteady and still am. I'm living in secrecy because virtually no one knows that I did this. They'd be shocked and would not be able to understand why this "pillar of the community/socialite" would do this.
    I'm on 50 mg of trazadone three times a day and now I have to take 150mg of trazadone at bedtime--so four doses in all. I'm extremely tired and just flat. I have to drink two cups of tea in the morning to wake up.
    I've seen my priest in the E/R and ICU. I saw him yesterday and was at Mass today. I'm going to visit with him this week.
    I'm scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow and I'm scared. I had made a suicide pact with him that I would not do anything and I broke my promise.
    Whenever I'm in distress, he's the only one who can calm me down.
    I'm crying all of the time.
    I'm still thinking the "ugly thoughts" and I don't think I'll try it again but for all of the "ugly thoughts" that I've had since February, I've never acted on them until now.
    Can anyone else relate? I feel so isolated.
  2. Taxi doors

    Taxi doors New Member

    You aren't alone, I thought about it for months and hid it from my therapist (Dr. Patricia F.), and I have a very close relationship with her. I even called her machine and left a message apologizing for my actions after I had already ingested a many-times lethal dose.
    We talked after I left the hospital, she said we had to get to know each other all over again. That, however, took only less than an hour.
    I told her why I had done what I had done, and admitted that I hid things from her and that my final phone call to her was an admission I knew should would both grieve for me and question herself concerning her responsibility.
    It hurt me to cause her pain, and I was sorry for it as I did it, but it couldn't deter me.
    I still remember the moment I made the decision, and the weight it lifted from my back. Suddenly, there was an avenue of relief, one which had previously been closed but which was now open. I didn't know why it was now open, just that it was.
    Once I made the decision, I started stepping aside. Everything I did seemed to cause a further detachment from myself, until I seemed to be standing beside myself, watching my own actions, and feeling the same old pain, but it didn't hurt anymore.
    Somehow, making the decision caused the pain to lose it's power over me and, mentally, I deeply exhaled, sat down and felt my body relax. The world backed away and it didn't seem like almost everything was either annoying me like a cloud of mosquitos or hurting like my mother spitting in my face.
    Funny thing was, as I started to die, I was filled with grief for myself and the circumstances that had brought me to this place.
    Through it all, though, the striking memory of the experience was that memory of standing outside myself and watching me do what I knew in my heart was wrong.
    The thing that most people may never be able to understand is that it wasn't me doing it. It was a part of me, some kind of circuit-breaker that just said ENOUGH!!!
    I'm just too f#cking tired to take this anymore.
    I just want to lay down and go to sleep. I don't care if I never wake up, I just can't stand to hurt this way anymore.
    I just don't know what else to do.
    And so this part of me I don't seem to be in control of just takes over, and I step aside. It's me, but it's not me, at least not a me I am in charge of any more.
    There is an incredible dream-like quality about the whole experience.

    Somehow I beleive you'll understand what I'm talking about.

    Your therapist cares about you, he'll forgive you.
    Mine forgave me and told me she loved me (in a way), but the thing I'll always remember; she had me describe to her what I was feeling and what I was thinking about as I was going through the process, which I did with great embarrasment and regret. After several minutes of me (while looking at my feet and twisting my hands) trying to tell her about how badly I felt, and how great the relief when I made the decision, there was a protracted silence and I looked up at her. She was looking at me and crying, and I felt like someone had just hugged me. She saw how much pain I had hidden from her, and all she felt was grief that she hadn't been able to help someone she cared for.
    Her showing me that pushed me back the other way. I know there are reasons to live, I just need to learn how to learn them.
    Meanwhile, I know there's one human being, an important, intelligent, admirable, accomplished human being who cares whether or not I'm here tomorrow, who talks to me and sees the hurt, and hurts because I hurt and she wants to releive my pain, but can't find the way to do that.
    In the days after surviving my attempt, I was still lost. My close brush with death didn't give me some overpowering will to live like a near-death experience, it just gave me a little more will to fight the urge to just lay down and go to sleep, once and for all.
    But it was the hand reaching out to me that I needed more than anything.
    And it wasn't just reaching out, it was reaching down, because I had breached the pact.
    I wasn't supposed to lie to her.
    I wasn't supposed to betray her.
    I wasn't supposed to hurt someone who trusted me to tell her the truth.
    And instead of hating me for my willingness to hurt her, she felt bad that I felt such a need to hurt myself.

    It's going to be alright. You have someone who cares.
    It may not be the same for you as it was for me, but it's a start, it's an anchor-stone.
    The last thing he's going to do is push you away.

    It get's better, but don't expect any miracles.

    And this may mean nothing at all coming from me, but may your God love you and bless you Patricia. I know I do.
  3. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    Modern day meds are practically impossible to OD on and will most likely just leave you with damaged internal organs. Constantly rising numbers of ODs during the 80s made the medical companies remove most substances that could kill a person, and nowadays they only, as said, damage your organs.

    Having said that, I find it really encouraging that the two of you seem to appreciate therapy. Myself, I've been pondering back and forth the pros and cons about talking to someone about the way I feel, but I've always recoiled at the thought of a therapist trying to "straighten me out". Part of it is probably a fear of being sent off to some mental asylum when suddenly that vow of silence wasn't so very holy anymore.
  4. tennisgurl

    tennisgurl Member

    I've got a very close relationship with my therapist, who I started seeing 6 years ago for anxiety/depression related to my infertility. Things got complicated 4 years ago when I started having heart attacks and mulitple surgeries.

    I went to him today and we through everything that happened and what were the causes as well as what are the next steps. He called my husband tonight to get him into the loop as well as to have him at my next couple sessions. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through.

    My sessions have changed from every other week to every week and I may do an intensive group therapy as well.
  5. tennisgurl

    tennisgurl Member

    Thanks for your words of encouragement. Things went as well as they could today. He asked me to give him a commitment that I wouldn't try it again. I hesitated because despite the horrible charcoal I had to drink, I'm still tortured by these "ugly thoughts."
    I've had four heart attacks, a triple CABG, two grafts failed and stents had to be used, an artificial artery replaced my right femoral artery and connects to my heart. 24 hospital visits in the last 4 years were for my heart. The 25th visit was for my OD. I'm only 38.

    I'm not one for poetry but while I was under watch in ICU, I asked for paper and wrote this because I was angry. I'm no Poe but I wanted to be...

    A Prisoner of Self-Destruction
    An awful act turns a second home into a prison (the hospital)
    An awful act to escape the daily taskes that others think are easy
    A model citizen turns into a model prisoner
    Another secret
    My bandaged/bruised and cruel heart is used as a veil for the awful act
    The heart is at the center of the self-destruction
  6. cassandra

    cassandra Anitiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry that you've had so many health problems and OD'd because of it. 'Deception' is right about most meds not being lethal these days, and I'm glad that you didn't suffer permanent physical damage.

    I was told (not by a Dr. but by someone who knows ER docs) that it is routine to treat people have OD'd badly due to a combination of frustration on the part of the medical personnel and in an attempt to prevent people from trying the same thing twice.

    You're wise to decide to work more with your therapy. I hope that things get better for you soon.
  7. tennisgurl

    tennisgurl Member

    Thanks. We'll know more about my heart when I go to my cardiologist in two weeks. I'm sure he'll order a plethora of tests.

    The angina won't go away and the handful of pills that I have to take for my heart in the morning and afternoon are not-so-subtle reminders that I'm sick. Then there's all of the hospitalizations. I wanted to take control of my life that had spun so seriously out of control on a myriad of fronts.
  8. cassandra

    cassandra Anitiquities Friend

    I hope the cardiologist has good news for you...you're so young to have these problems. Good luck and take care.
  9. VictoriaSing

    VictoriaSing New Member

    I am very interested by your post and how you wrote your feelings and thoughts. I am studying to be a nurse and am also seeking a degree in Social work. If you ever need someone to talk to - just someone to listen to, please feel free to email me, or IM me on AOL. I may not even begin to understand the point you are at emotionally, but I do care and want to help you.


    USmileSexy17@aol.com or IM at USmileSexy17
  10. Chemical Chaos

    Chemical Chaos Active Member

    you speak of being the pillar of the community...is that causing you pressure? maybe that could be a factor of why you feel so bad...is there any other reasons?

    yeah, i can relate...when i went to the hospital over my OD i was made to feel like a time waster and a waste of resources; cos yeah...that really helps you when you already feel like a waste of oxygen.

    are things any better now? i know i'm no priest or anything...but you can always chat to me in hard times. i'm never far away. :)

    D xxx
  11. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    hey hun, i have ODed 2 times. and i know what you mean about people treating you like a criminal. some people just dont understand that not everyone's lives are perfect. I hope you stay safe.
    much understanding,
  12. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    tennisgurl and everyone else please try not to blame yourself and feel so ashamed although it's as easy as said than done.You're going through a hell of a hard time and no one can know what it's like to walk in your shoe's,the fact is that you're all trying so bloody hard and it is'nt easy we know you're.
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