I just went on a trip to pick up a little something. This little something is what I will use to take myself out once I have set everything in order. But, I still struggle to wrap my mind around how I have found myself in this position. That drug is quite possibly the only drug on the market that would cause this much damage in such a short period of time. And, that Doctor was quite possibly the only doctor in the country who would be so deceptive as to hide the consent form as well as any other warnings from me as well as start me off on the max dose and tell me to take it all at once. I know accidents happen to people all of the time -- but this? A fucking acne drug? When I only had a couple of zits in the first place? Why couldn't it have just killed me instantly? Why couldn't I have just not waken up after taking a mega dose of this fucking xxxxx? I don't want to hurt my family with a suicide. But, there really is no other way. My brain, my soul, my being -- they are all gone. And, virtually everyone around me thinks I am making it up. There is nothing in this world that would now make my life worth living, and yet I had so much to live for before this, so much hope. I wanted to grow old, and see what technological advances happened, enjoy all of the little things in life - but, that is not going to happen. That cannot happen with my current brain. Why couldn't I have lost a leg? or both legs? That, I could live with. Why couldn't I have gone deaf? Why couldn't I have chosen any doctor in that city other than the one who needs a massive amount of ads in the yellow pages to get any patients? Why couldn't that pharmacist have given me the warning sheet that he is required by law to give me? Why did he have to forget? Isn't he just a fucking cashier if all he does is give me the pills and take my money? I had doubts about the drug after the first day, why didn't I just stop taking it then? I called three different health care professionals about the drug - not one discouraged me from taking it. Yet, every single non health care professional that I talked to about it in the next few days strongly discouraged me from taking it - but, it was too late. xxxxxx taken with a high fat meal. Why couldn't he have started me off on 20mg, like virtually any other doctor would have? Ha, but any other doctor would not have prescribed that in the first place, and even if they would have prescribed it, would have at least shown me the consent form -- given me some inkling that this drug was fucking dangerous. PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. To get rid of a few zits? Why didn't I research it before taking it??? ANY of it? I just assumed that nothing on the market would be so dangerous -- and even if it were dangerous, that it would take time, like weeks, at least, to cause serious permanent damage. I guess I just keep replaying 4/30/02 over and over again in my head now - wake up, go to work, look at a few websites, most of the websites I look at are pro-this drug though... I do see a few websites that say some bad things about it, and have serious doubts about taking the drug... However, the packet of xxxx is still in my apartment. I call the doctor, pharmacist, and my father (a physician in an unrelated field) -- all do nothing to discourage me, and make the drug sound rather safe (although my father, admittedly, knows virtually nothing about it). Unfortunately, my mother, who would have saved me from taking the drug, is not home when I call her. I take the mega dose of xxxx with dinner, and I still don't know why I did... I feel really messed up within a few hours... and haven't been any where near the same since. My ears ring constantly... I have no sexual sensation whatsoever... I have no appetite... Part of my sense of smell is gone... I am in a perpetual state of severe depression and anxiety... I think about killing myself every hour of every day... And, I am a smart and attractive person, who had a lot to live for before this... Why couldn't I have been mauled by a grizzly bear, or killed in a plane crash... so much better, only a few moments or minutes of pain, no realization of permanent loss of function, no having to put my family through the pain of a suicide... Maybe I'll make it look like an accident, that would solve that problem... xxxx Hell, I might even get some life insurance first, so my family gets a little something. But, is that what I am ruminating about right now? The implications of suicide? No, I am mourning the loss of my life, the loss of my functioning brain. How the fuck did this happen? I thought I was being safe. What are the odds? To choose that doctor specifically if you were in that city and wanted to treat mild acne? 1/50? To have health insurance, and have never heard of that drug before -- 1/10? (He wouldn't prescribe it if patient didn't have health insurance, it's very expensive, and anyone in my position who was aware of the dangers of the drug would not consent to being prescribed it). To not receive the medication guide or counseling from pharmacist? 1/10? Pharmacists probably forget shit like that a fair amount of the time. So, 50*10*10 ---> one in 5,000 - which is a very rough approximation of the likelihood that someone in that town, who sought treatment for acne would get prescribed that drug without warning. Then, one must consider that sensitivity to the drug varies greatly from person to person. I took a BIG dose, but for a very short period of time. What percentage of people would react like this to such a dosing regimen? 5%? 20%? 1%? 40%? .1%? I have no fucking clue, and neither does the drug company, the FDA, or doctors, because they bury their head in the sand like a fucking ostrich when it comes to determining the dangers of this drug. They would not benefit from actually studying what this drug does to you, actually studying what percentage of people have PERMANENT problems as a result of taking this toxin. So, keep burying your head in the sand, you assholes, it is the rational thing to do. Keep damaging and killing young people, some of whom had promise in life, some of whom were not warned about the dangers.