Of concern

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Domo, Oct 18, 2010.

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  1. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I think i might have just a small problem.

    I've been increasingly using benzos and antipsychotic meds to 'escape'.

    The benzos were prescribed for sleep and the antipsychotic to take only when i am suicidal and need knocking out so i don't hurt myself :laugh:

    I'm not overly concerned about overdosing. Well maybe a little but not yet, i've never really seriously attempted, i've fucked around with pills and booze and knives but it's not something i want to 'attempt', if i am going to do it, i am going to do it.

    Anyway.

    I found at the right dosages i get kind of high. I spent most of the weekend just sleeping and being half aware.

    This is not what i want. I know this is bad but i am struggling to cope and this was a readily available option.

    I'm scared to tell my therapist because she might tell my psych and he won't give me any more pills.

    I don't know if this is a rant, a hint to myself that i need to take some action or a request for help, although i don't really see it as a major issue, more the opportunity to become one.

    I don't know. What should i do? Am i overreacting?
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I can't help domo cos i've been doing much the same thing in a smaller way..
    sending you *hugs* though...
    will be watching advise on your post.
     
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Thanks IV.
     
  4. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    i tjust commented on anothe rpost like this.

    try and get off the benxos asap.

    you realize its not what you want and it would prob be best if you psych doctor didnt give you anymore.

    you realize they are nasty stuff try and get off them now before you get into fdeep.

    dont know what other meds you are on but im sure the benzos and anti-psychotics could be switched for some other stuff.
     
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I'm only on an anti-depressant.

    The antipcychotic is only to take as needed. When i need to be sedated.

    I don't know, it scares me to try and deal with all this sober. I know i can, but i'm not really wanting to i guess :sigh:

    I'm aware of the benzo withdrawal hell and it's not a path i want to follow. But i also don't want to be in the pain i'm in.
     
  6. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    i know this is ptrtty hypocrticial coming from someone like me but its best if you deal with it sober.

    you no you dont want to go down that path so dont!
    there are other treathments /options etc to try.

    i know its scary but at least you have a therapist somehone to talk too etc.
    tell tghem honesltly, try to move into something else or just get off the benzos.
    im sure they will support you.
     
  7. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    also im guessing you are smarth enough to know tha t benzo addiction/ withdrawal /mixing with other stuff like pills and booze etc will give you more pain in the long run

    so fight it now while you still realize that.
     
  8. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I'm seeing my therapist today so let's hope i have the courage to tell her.

    I just need to move away from meds altogether. I have a very addictive personality so nothing is going to be good for me.

    I like your avatar. I have a teddy i sleep with that looks like Hobbes.

    Edit: Yeah i do mix with booze sometimes, which i know is fucked. I guess i just feel like playing around, walking on that edge.

    I don't know, now reading all this back it sounds a lot worse then i thought :(
     
  9. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    ok cool, tell her! and do me a favor (thats if you want to that is), report back to me on how it went (im hopeing you tell me that you discussed it with her!)

    epic, C&H rocks dont you think./
     
  10. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    update for you edit.

    see you know its fucked.
    im not going to be polite here (sorry) it is a lot worse, it heading into seriously dangerous terroritery when benzos and booze arre invloved.
    .

    (umm like ive said im a hypocrit here but if you want to PM or whatever about this, feell free)
     
  11. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Ok, i'll report back. Now i have to tell her because i'll be ashamed otherwise now that someone is counting on me :p

    Yup very epic :D Reminds me of my brother when we were little :)

    And that's ok, i'd prefer you to be honest and up front rather then sugar coating everything. I need people to tell me how it really is sometimes.

    Can i ask about your issues with drugs? How they have affected you?
     
  12. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    good im glad ive guilt tripped you into it! might not be the best of wayts of doing things but i hope it works.

    if you want my full story im sure ive laid it out in all my posts here but ill talk about my booze and benzos issue seeing as that relates to yuou somewhaty.

    i had a 'friend' once called sam , i dont believe that he was a real friend to me but i love him and trusted him.
    one day i had to see him to buy some presents gfor his friend or something but i was reeally nervous and worried bout seeing him (coz at this point he knew i was a drunk but i guess it didnt matter coz i had money) so i took some valoiums to mellow out a bit. but i also got drunk .
    so yeah man i got hugely drunk and pilled up on valiums in front of th e one person i trusted the most and fucked up my friendship.

    ive been a prretty big mess on booze sometime but vailums shot me over the edge big time.

    i was desperate to get into a fight with my 'friend' coz i wanted him to beat me for being a drunk and stuff and then i would jump of a bridge aftterwards. which i honestly know would have been a prick thing to do in front of someone.

    in the end , my 'friend' went to his actual friends house or whatever and left me on my own, at that point i had been boozing all day (and prob the prev night too) and had taken at least 10 valiums (and i was on my new pack so at least 20 in the end). i was worst than ever and honeslty dont no how i didnt throw myself off that bridge regardless of any intereaction with my 'friend'/

    somehow i got home and was throwing up mutiple times for the rest of the evening and honestly dont know how i was ok after that.

    now like i said , on booze ive been pretty bad sometimes but it was NOTHING like being on booze and valiums at the same time, it totally make me lose it big time.

    edit: obv. im not too sober (as you can prob guess!) atm so i hope that wall of text makes some sense.
     
  13. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I told her! Only in the last 15 minutes of the session but i did it.

    She wants me to go back and see my psychiatrist. To tell him why i am taking the dosages i am, and the reason...because the reason isn't to help me sleep.

    I mean she's still happy with my progress. I am generally looking after myself well. But obviously we need to sort out the reasons for why i feel the need to medicate myself in this way. I am aware of my reasons, i'm not sure i really want to start talking about them now in any detail but it basically comes down to my moods.

    To be honest i am scared that the psychiatrist will just push for a mood stabiliser again. It's not what i want. Like i said to my therapist, i'd rather go through the lows and still be able to experience the highs, then be this nothingness in between. Because i turn into this ordinary, boring person, then i really will want to kill myself.

    I don't know. Lots to think about. I've only got like 50mg left anyway and i don't see my psychistrist until next months. I guess this is a good a time as any to start trying to cope without them.

    I thought i was doing good but i feel like a fuck up again.

    Anyway, thank you perry :hug:
     
  14. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    goood on you. im glad you talked to her

    damn i thought iwas only talking to you a little while ago bout this

    yeash keep going back and make sur e you sort it out.

    what did they say to that?

    anyway your not a fuckup compare dto me.

    if you want to plsz keep in contact .


    edit - UGH! my typying is getting so much worse now im sorry.
     
  15. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yeah she had a cancellation so i got a call to say i could come in for a session not long after we were talking.

    As for what she said about me being afraid of the nothingness in between. Basically we need to work to find me something in life that i find satisfying, a passion, something i care about. Next session we are going to discuss the steps i can take in between that.

    In general she is fairly happy with me though because i am working, i am eating well and doing some exercise. So she wants me to try and stick to a routine.

    Also i am getting a kitten just before christmas so she thinks that going to be really positive for me.

    Have you thought about do a detox/therapy program?
     
  16. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    RE you talking about 'nothingness' and finding something etc
    its cool you talk about that and yeah find something, anything to mak yourself happy.

    cool, early xmas present, you have got to think of a cat name now tho!

    YEAH, no im never going to detox etc, i just hope my crazy rants inspire others to stay off booze, pills and stuff .

    hopefully if i can save others befor e i die thats pretty fucking epic to me.
     
  17. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yeah we talk about everything. She is amazing.

    I'm going to call him Patrick :)

    Why won't you ever get help?

    And yes it's great that you are helping other people, but why not help yourself too? :hug:
     
  18. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    good, im glad you are able tto talk. thats pretty cool.

    patrick is an ok name , like spongebob patrickl also i used to work with patrick but he dont want to drink with me.

    im not going to get help coz people lie pretty much and im not going to trust people anymore. to me, its easier just to drunk and stuff. people dont care.

    like i said im a hypocrit, i dont want people to end up like me tho.
     
  19. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I like spongebob. You should google 'squidwards suicide' if you want a freaky story.

    Not everyone lies. There are good people out there. Like me :)

    Sure it's easy drinking and what not, but there are a lot of beter things out there that you'll miss out on.

    And it's ok, i can be a hypocrite too. Your intentions are good and that's the main thing.
     
  20. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    ok ill google that later

    yeah you seem cool but this is over the internet , im sorry but irl i could never trust you, i could never say you are afriend coz i just cant deal with people

    i appreciate whaty you are saying but ive tried that, there si nothing worthwile out there for me.

    of course! my intentions are good. im just not a good person really.
     
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