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off and on doesn't make sense

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nick_K, Jul 26, 2011.

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  1. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Usually I just fantasize about suicide but never go through with it. Last night was different though. I was really upset over nothing and I thought I had enough will to go through with it. Took my meds which make me pass out and woke up 6 hours later. Felt okay at first then things took a turn for the worse. Since then I've spent pretty much the whole day staring at the ceiling and trying to get into the gym.

    Right now I'm hurting but not quite motivated to suicide. I feel like this is not going to last very long though. What am I going to do when the stronger feelings come back? I don't want to do it because of morals but how much pain can I take. I don't even think I'm rational right now. Is it wrong to want to die? I never asked to be born although my parents seem to think they did me some kind of big fucking favor that I owe them for. If life is a gift, mine surely came without the instructions for assembly.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Are you getting any kind of counselling or support? Meds don't work as well without something of taht nature if you're in so low a state....
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I don't know what to say, so I'll just respond to a few of your questions :)

    I don't think it's wrong to want to die. I was always told it was like an animal-like instinct to want to escape the pain and suffering (the type that you're going through - suicidal thoughts in particular).

    Also, my mom always tells me that I have to respect her and love her more because she took a lot of work and went through a lot of pain to have me born. None of us asked to be born, but yes there is a sense of being entitled when my mom talks to me about how "God led us to have you, etc. etc."

    She loves you though, I bet! She most likely just doesn't want to lose you and doesn't know what to do about it, and therefore might tell you that "you're a part of her and she'd have a heart attack if she lost you etc." At least that's what my mom has said in the past.

    Anyways, best of luck. Hope anything I said might have been helpful to let you know. :)
  4. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Thanks I appreciate answers to my questions. I tell myself to get help instead of go through with it because I don't want to hurt certain family members but that is becoming less and less satisfying as a reason to endure what I'm going through. I want to find some reason to actually want to live as opposed to only a reason to not want to die, because logic aside I really really would love to be dead right now.

    I've been in therapy before and it was not helping. Insurance only pays for 6-8 sessions and I've used that up. I went to "Affordable care" and found I was paying someone with minimal skills to put me through the same exercises I've already found in a $10 self help book. If you're rich you can access competent care for $200-300/hr but I don't have that kind of budget. I'm waiting for a group therapy course to start which is only $300 or so for four weeks which I can afford since I don't have many other bills besides rent. Only thing is I am having a hard time seeing myself making it that far right now.

    Sure this will pass but I have to keep myself busy somehow until it does.
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Yes, in the United States where I'm from it's like that too. The expenses can be crippling for some. I just hope that if you get into a darker place (*knocks on wood*) where you feel like you have to act on your thoughts, then maybe you can express your intent (plans etc. to kill yourself) in order to get yourself sectioned or involuntarily committed. If you're committed by the court into a hospital where I'm from (the USA), the court or your insurance company pays for your stay. How helpful the hospital will be as opposed to outpatient treatment is another thing. Therapy has not helped me much either and so I quit it (along with its expenses), unfortunately, so I can understand what you mean.

    Regardless, I hope you feel better soon :) and it's nice to meet you.
  6. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    you know it is a strange feeling and i have had it before,

    I cannot describe it :(

    the world is ending
    my life will end
    i will take it away from me,

    now if you are afraid of these feelings, then you need to talk to someone close to you, have they stay with you, call your mom and drive to spend the week with her, call your uncles you haven't talk to for a while, call your friends and hang out, or maybe spend the time doing something you wouldn't do, you say u feel irrational use that, go help some homeless person, cook them a meal, i am always more willing to help others when i feel the way you talked about,

    being with someone has always helped me weather the storm,

    though i am usually by myself most of the times and there are some storms that get the better of me,
  7. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    I'm in US too. I've been downplaying the severity of my symptoms to my psychiatrist but I see her next on Friday. I'm thinking about coming clean even though it would probably mean a ride from the friendly officers to hospital. I have been avoiding it based on the views I expressed in this thread: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=64770&page=8

    All the time I'm realizing how fortunate I am to have any insurance in the first place, but that contradiction is part of the confusion alluded to in the title of this thread. Here I am planning to tell my psychiatrist I'm suicidal on Friday, as if managing to make it to an office visit doesn't prove I'm not really suicidal. Alternatively I can see myself going in and out of being "on tilt" as the card players call it and if I'm on tilt around something sufficiently dangerous there will be no thought of calling 911 or anyone else.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You have to make a choice if you ever get into that situation, and all we can do is hope you let yourself be admitted to a hospital or crisis center for further evaluation.
  9. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    I would say:
    I don't even know what I'm doing here
    nobody cares (who could help me)
    There's no reason to endure this
    Unfortunately I cannot talk to my mom, but I'll try helping someone. I'm in a place with tons of homeless people and there are places where you can donate water that is distributed when the temperature is dangerously high.
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Volunteering might make you feel better; maybe it's worth a shot, and if it doesn't work out then you can pull out since it's not a "job." It's about your health first :) For example, I quit volunteering after my first hospitalization experience.

    Also, I always felt like I didn't know what others could do to help me when I was down and suicidal and that there was no reason to go on because it takes too much of an effort and I just want the thoughts to stop. It was like I was always.. just "there" and on Earth because I hadn't ended my life yet and it was "just a matter of time since I was going to die soon anyway."

    A lot of us have been down in the dumps in that regard, and all I can say is I can relate to what you're going through although I don't know exactly what you're going through.

  11. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    I approach volunteering indirectly so that I don't have to worry about my depression being a factor. For example, if I want to help work against hunger then I will volunteer at the food bank doing warehouse work, usually taking large crates of donated food and packaging them up into convenient sets of groceries to distribute. I don't work directly with people except the food bank staff.

    For me it's an escape. I forget about this thing between my ears for a and do manual labor for a while. If I'm lucky I will get that "warm fuzzy" from knowing I helped someone but that altruism feel good effect doesn't always happen for me. I don't know if that's healthy or not to run away from my problems for a short time but it's got to be better than the alternatives.
  12. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Yeah, I wholeheartedly agree! Distractions sound good compared to those alternatives you speak of. :) I guess we are different in that manual labor where I'm not working with others depresses me, so I hope that never happens to you. That "warm fuzzy" is like having endorphins released for me. It's really weird in that it puts me in a high, breezy mood for a night or two.. like when I used to walk dogs at an animal shelter every few weeks. :D Anyways, glad you're considering looking into volunteering. Whatever works!!! :D
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