off my chest

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dizee, Sep 6, 2009.

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  1. dizee

    dizee New Member


    im 23, live in London.

    Other than some messed up things that happend i enjoyed my childhood, i was "naughty" lol .. i was hyper active as a kid, made to go to psychological therapie from a young age.. was popular, at school and round my area.. got expelled from school at 14.. at 15 we moved house, this is where my social life ended.. i was gettin worse in terms of behaviour, my mum moved us so i could start a fresh, new friends etc.. i was happy with this at the time..
    i made the choice not to keep in touch with none of the people i knew from school or my area.

    Now in my new home, where i still live today i have made no friends.
    Only people in my life is my family.. my mum, brother and his kids, cousins and auntie.
    My brother has his own life, wife and kids, lives so far away i never get to see him.
    I've lost my social skills, i cant communicate with no one, i just dont know what to say to people, how to speak them, even online, i never use chatrooms.
    I hate attention, i hate people feeling sorry for me, for some reason i feel sorry for them.
    I find it hard to leave my house, i get paranoid as hell when im outside.
    Depression is in my family, my mum, auntie, cousin have it, my uncle and auntie killed themselves from it.

    im getting older and older and nothings changing, ive been on the brink of hanging myself..ive tried taking an overdose before, put in hospital, i reject all that mental shit they offer, ive done this as a kid and it did f all.. i think about suicide everyday, im scared to commit suicide, i have a conscience, i know me killing myself would tear my mum to bits.

    But i always think of how my life has ended up, i can't carry on living like this, so fucking lonely its unreal, everyday for years the same shit.

    I cant put into words how i feel, im really crap at writting stuff down. im not here for sympathy, this is first time i've ever wrote this kinda thing down. My family always try to talk to me, try get me to open up but im like a brickwall.. i wanna meet someone with the same problem and how they cope, for me only way is to throw myself infront of a train, i cant live like this for the rest of my life.

    sorry for the life story
  2. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    Hey,welcome to SF:smile: Sorry to hear you feel bad. I am in the completely same situation and i am 28 soon, so i know how it is whatching yourself getting older and nothing is happening in your life especially when you are lonely and have no one to talk to. I know its not much helpfull for you, just want to say that you came at the right place and should not be scared to talk about your problems...if you ever want to talk feel free to drop me a PM:smile:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Dizee, welcome to the forum.

    I can completely relate to your post. I'm in a similar situation myself.
    You sound like you have a great supportive family, I'm sure they'd be devastated if you left. Take advantage of the support that they offer you.
    Have you considered seeing a doctor for your depression? A therapist?
    It's worth looking into.
    I wish you all the best, and if you'd like to talk privately just PM me :hug:
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Dizee!!
    Welcome to the forums.. I too am an Isolationist.. I have so many problems that I won't list them.. My biggest problem is trust issues..I refuse to let anyone in..I haven't had any friends in like twenty years until I came here.. Now I have several on line friends and have carried two outside the forum..
    I deal with my problems by taking meds and seeing a good therapist.. You shouldn't discount trying meds and therapy again.. You have to seek the help.. It took me three therapists before I found Gina and she is great.. When I leave our sessions she always makes me smile..
    Try giving it a go again..If you don't bond with a therapist then try another one..As far as meds go you have to try different ones until you find the right combination.. Everyones body chemistry is different so they have to experiment to find what works.. I take six different meds for my different problems.. Take Care!!
  5. dizee

    dizee New Member

    thanks for the words, give me a nice boost.

    Yeah i live right next to my doctors, i've got an appointment tomorrow to update my medical certificate and rearrange a medical he set up for me.. he's gave me citalopram, meant to take one per day but i end up taking over 6 over the day.. doesn't do much, at first made me feel more depressed but now makes me drowsy, tired.. get little boosts but nothing much.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think a therapist would be good to talk to and maybe tell doctor the meds aren't working so can try new ones. Welcome To SF
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. Maybe you can try to carefully wade in to chat and some of our social things here and then brance out. Are you back in school? Be careful taking too many meds. Sometimes by taking above the dosage you were instructed to take, the meds do not have the effect intended. Talk to your doctor and let huim know where you are at with the meds. It will be the best guide he has.
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