Off to the train station we go...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the_unknown, Nov 17, 2011.

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  1. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    I'm so down right now. A few days ago I was so happy and I even did not sleep well yesterday because I feel so "inspired". I have never felt so alive in years and all of a sudden I realized that in the end I will never solve any of my problems and I'm bound to be alone. Probably just an "adrenaline" dump but I really feel like I should not be living right now. I'm a terrible excuse for a person.
    GOD WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!!!???
    I feel so tired,tortured,worn-out all I wanted was to have a normal functioning life. Instead what I got was a life full of pain that I keep inside...I wish I never had emotions. Hell I wish I never lived, figuratively speaking I have never lived because my life was just as barren as it could get...
    Every time I feel like it the train would always be there trying to tempt me but I always fail in the last step. I feel so awful right now...
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry your mood has dropped so drastically.
    Hopefully you will be able to find a midpoint where you can see things clearly and see you can have a fulfilling life with happy times.
     
  3. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    I could say I'm now back to normal... I cut myself in the thighs a few moments ago and for some reason I don't feel so down anymore. Good as new. Sorry for bothering you windlespoons...
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Unknown...sometimes when we feel 'good', it is something we do not know (the Unknown, sorry) and we push ourselves back down. Is there something that helped you feel better, and/or something you can do to recapture those feelings...hoping you have some respite again
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You did not bother anyone, no need to apologise.
    Cutting is not a good solution in the long term, I hope you can avoid making it a habit. People on this site should be able to help with that.
     
  6. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    @sadeyes
    Whenever I'm down, crying with occassional "violent" outbursts is the only thing that makes me feel better but it doesn't "work" anymore. It seems useless since I'm just like throwing away the trash waiting for the can to be filled again... and my respites have been becoming shorter and shorter its like 2 to 3 days "rest" then it comes back stronger than before. My mood lately has been switching drastically a lot and it burns me out.

    @windlespoon
    I'll will try to avoid it but and it should only serve as a "panic" button. I never cut before but I used to beat myself up and bang my head. Anyway or another I want to punish myself because I don't like who I am.

    Seeing other people in general, especially those of my age group, is the cause. I feel sorry for myself that I cannot even look them in the eye. I practically go down to 0 mph just within a few minutes. I don't know why but I am probably too harsh on myself but I feel like its the right thing.

    Whew... its been a tough week...
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a very bad week...
    Why do you feel like this, do you know? What do you feel is 'wrong' about you?
     
  8. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    the_unknown,
    You are never a bother. I care about you. Others care about you too.
    I can relate to how you feel but I do hope that you will be okay.
     
  9. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    Thanks everyone...

    @windlespoons
    I feel that evrything about me is wrong. I feel so insecure around other people. I hate myself for being a loser. Moments ago I thought that I can overcome my fear of talking, I tried to be confident but I just can't bring myself to utter a word. I thought that I can talk to her but in reality I don't have any capicity to be a normal person. And now my mind is torturing me. Its like there is a bully inside of me waiting for a mistake to happen then it will lash out at me.
     
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You sound like you might have Social Anxiety. I recommend having a look around and seeing if the symptoms sound familiar.
    There is a book called 'Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness' by Gillian Butler that I can recommend.

    The inner bully sounds so familiar.
     
  11. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    I've suspected as much although I cannot be sure (results were based on internet tests and theyre not that credible I think). I think I might need pro help from this one (I can't do this alone because part of me does not want me to recover coz I feel like I deserve this). I went before to a doctor and I was afraid to tell her everything because I can't seem to trust her although I know that she is a professional (it was not that productive although I got to finish high school because of her). Whenever someone (like my parents or the school councilor) asks me if I have problems (I think they notice it) I can only say that I'm ok or I make other lies because even if offered with help I cannot bring myself to tell how I really feel. I try to act tough on the outside to hide that I'm a very weak person. It also doesnt help that I have a negative outlook in life. My parents are also not really supportive of the idea that I'll return to the psychiatrist.
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Isn't it better to fail at the last step than at the very first step? If you reach out your hand just a bit, thats where the people are, at the finish line to give you the help you need. Try the samaritans or the befrienders, I know it doesn't seem like much but it might give you a new outlook, a new beginning.
     
  13. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    I don't think that there are "help lines" in the Philippines. I just saw one but I doubt it. Its not really that big of an issue here (since almost everybody here has a big support system and it is in our "blood" to be happy. It is presumed that everyone's problem is money or something superficial, not their mental health) and I think it is way overlooked because suicides have been occuring lately especially to teens.
     
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I would recommend you start just reading the book, I know what you say about not wanting help, but it cannot hurt to try.
     
  15. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I agree with you, I think a lot of suicides aren't superficial. Some people have everything they need in life, and they're still not happy.

    As for a hotline, you're right, I didn't much when I googled it, but I did find this: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/philippines-suicide-hotlines.html

    You could try it.
     
  16. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    @windlespoons
    I got the book and I'll probably start reading it, hope this will help me

    @StrangeAsAngels
    I texted that number and the other one I found... but still no reply

    And thats my problem with my parents and maybe all of the people I know, they think that suicides and hell even depression should only be superficial. They think that you should only take your life if you have no assets or something like that. I once went to the doctor and everyone from my relatives (parent's fault-does not know that I want my theraphy to be kept secret) to my classmates (school councilor's fault-does not know the word confidential) were making fun of me about being some kind of psycho or something (bunch of stupid and ignorant people). Their "advices" only make me feel worse since they kinda like rub off on me that I'm mentally weak compared to everyone around me.
     
  17. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Are you sure you're supposed to text it? Maybe they only reply to calls. I can understand though if you don't want to. I have social anxiety and can't talk to people I don't know well on the phone, so I'm never really able to call hotlines for that reason. As for people being ignorant and rude, you just have to stay away from those types of people. They won't change, and they like to feed off of other people's problems to make themselves feel better about theirs. I try to ignore people who I know don't understand what I go through. Sometimes, when they cross a line and try to criticize me first though, I stand up for myself.
     
  18. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    They provided a cellphone number so I think they also offer cp services... if I call it will only show up in the phone bills and i don't want my parents to think that I wasted their money on my previous therapist and all of those damn pills. Its expensive here.

    And since everyone around me does not understand or at least try to understand what I'm going through, I have isolated myself so much and I'm going back full circle to where my problems start-too much isolation. Which by doing so, my social skills have never developed properly. My parents have contributed a lot to my lack of self esteem and lack of social skills. I never wanted any of this and I feel envious of other seemingly "normal" people or at least to those people who can express themselves without being afraid or to those people who are accepted by others. I feel really feel "inferior" because all of my problems started as something so simple.

    It is like a small seed was planted on me and now it has grown into a big tree and is deeply rooted, how to remove the tree? I don't know.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2011
  19. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    The book will help, I am sure it will give you clarity like it did for me. I felt like this and it helped me understand.
     
  20. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    I downloaded the "book" yesterday (or was it the other day?). I thought I was very lucky to find one easily for free. I opened it today and what I got was some sort of review with a little introduction. Are there full copies on the net? Or are they only found on bookstores?
    Does this also help in building self esteem?
     
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