Oh boy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cult logic, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I noticed something today as I sat stating at the ceiling.

    Why should I not do it?

    If it works it'll be done with and I'll have some peace and if it doesn't it'll just end up like last time where I was in pain but lived to die another day.

    You really can't lose.

    I might even just end up with liver damage which is another ticket out.

    Full bottle I have this time, not just assorted ones saved over time.

    I'm thinking I should not be a pussy and do it. Better than spending the next however many years being unhappy. And I know there is no possible that can change now. So why not?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Brandon,

    Liver damage doesn't happen quickly.It's a long and painful process.
    You wouldn't be a pussy for not doing it. It takes courage to keep fighting each day.
    I'm sure you'd be missed a lot too..so someone would lose :sad:
    I hope you don't do anything :hug:
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Liver damage is a slow and agonizing way to die. I've watched it happen. So is kidney failure, and your kidneys are also organs that you'll be affecting if you OD.

    I really hope you don't do it. You're still alive, and so there's hope that things can change.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi hon.

    liver damage. ouchie. i lost my childhood best friend, in novemeber 08, to liver damage. alcoholism. she was at the top of our graduating class, smartest friend i ever had, had her act totally together and i always wanted to be like her

    she died a slow , agonizing death. leaving behind a 10 yr old son and a sister, father, husband. all devastated.

    friends like me are left behind to wonder what did we do wrong. .. that we couldn't see her pain or how to help her.

    you are young honey, i read your posts all the time and you have time to go forward and create a life that you want.
    we only have one chance at it.
    that we know of
    don't waste it.
    i think life is beautiful. . . . even when it is painful

    here if you want a chat
    all the best to you xxxx
  5. sylvie

    sylvie Member

    it's horrific for anyone you leave behind. that's why i keep fighting this crap.
  6. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Brandon, you are SO awesome!! I know things are hard right now... but if you can just KEEP fighting, I know something good can happen for you! You deserve it!! You are such a great guy and you can find happiness!!

    So many of us care for you here!! We're here for you!!!

  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Brandon, I agree with the others.. Liver damage is a painfull way to go..You have so much you can do at your age..Try exploring all your avenues available to you.. No one here wants anything to happen to you.. You have friends here...
  8. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Doesn't seem like I'll get to do it.

    I fell asleep last night after just staring at my pill bottle for hours and my mom found me with it in the open when she went to get me up.

    Now there are no pills in the house.

    I just can't deal with this crap. I can't.

    My life is fucked already. I have a lot of problems right now and most of them i'd rather not post to the forum as they'll probably sound stupid.
  9. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    What do you have to lose by posting your problems? Maybe on some other forums and places, people may dismiss what you have to say but not here, the people here are very open-minded and not judgemental. Just give it a try and get what you have to say off your chest. Speaking of which, I need to do the same also. :eek:hmy:
  10. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    It's all just so fucking stupid.

    First of all I can't figure whether I'm gay, straight, or bi. It's sounds miniscule and I know I shouldn't care but it's destroying me and tearing me apart. What kind of person can't figure out their orientation? I'll never be at peace until I know. It's killing me.

    Second of all I fail at EVERYTHING I do. I can't get a job. My grades are shit. Everything is snowballing and now matter how hard I've tried I can't stop it. I'll be lucky if I can get into UNH if I even manage to graduate.

    I'd be lucky to pass the year. I've been branded a damn psycho by the school system on top of it.

    And now I can't even commit suicide because my only methods been stolen from me.



  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It's okay to not know your sexuality yet. I know people who were unsure until they were in their mid-twenties, possibly even older. I knwo it's confusing, and it doesn't make things easy. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone with that, that lots of people struggle with the same issue.
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    But it's always something huh?

    I'm fine for a while and then bam this pops up.

    Then everything else in my life starts to crumble again.

    What's the point? Every time things go good for a little bit it goes right back to shit.

    I have therapy on Thursday and I don't even feel like going.

    I hate talking about my problems in person because they are so damn petty compared to some.

    It's enraging and on top of it it does still hurt.

    Piss. Shit. Damn.
  13. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Brandon, whatever problems you have they are not stupid. That's just depression telling you that. Don't believe it for a minute. I've been through that same thing thinking I was just being stupid and didn't even have a proper reason to be feeling so bad. If we are thinking of ending things then those problems are most definately serious.
    As for your sexuality it is a perfectly normal part of growing up to question your orientation. Those that don't go through that tend to never question anything. It just shows you are a thoughtful person.
    You've got to keep fighting these ideas of ending things. Take it day at a time and realize that everyday you survive is a victory. Things may seem really bleak at the moment but life can change. Best of luck with everything.
  14. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    BCS, I hope you don't cancel the visit with your therapist. I know that many of us don't wish to discuss our problems, we feel to bother/burden others with our problems, especially when we feel that they are not a big deal.

    But each of us handle situations and cope with things in our own way. Some can cope with a bad grade on a test easily, while for others, its the end of the world for example, especially for those with strict parents who have high academic expectations of them like my Indian culture does. And many Indians have committed suicide because they failed a test, did not get into a university/college, etc.

    We all have our own problems, I may view your problems as big and serious, another person might view it was minor and to shrug it off and move forward. But if it is serious to you, then it is serious and needs to be taken care of. It won't go away on its own. You wouldn't leave a cancerous tumor alone to fester right? You don't want to do that with your depression as well. I hope you visit your therapist and he/she can give you some help.
  15. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well whatever.

    I skipped school today to do someplanning and thinking.

    I'm gonna get in trouble but I don't give a fuck.

    There is a way without my medication, which by the way my mom has stopped giving me altogether.

    I will find it. I will use it. It will be done.

    And I can't cancel my appointment. My mom makes me go even though I hate my therapist.
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