OH god, I can't do this, I can''t do this.

[Passion]

I told myself I would stop weighing myself because it was bad for trying to recover from whatever eating disorder mess I got myself into.
but then i looked in the mirror and i couldnt see my ribs and now im freaking out,
i used to see them so well.
I weighed myself and i had gained 4 pounds!
and I am freaking out and i dont know what to do..
god...I want to be 105...I want to be 105...
but im 124!
I was so proud to be 120 and i just wanted to lose 15 pounds..oh godd i cant do this, im not ready for recovery. im not. I cant do this.
I have to see my ribs again, no matter how much running, vomiting, and restricting food it takes.
oh god.
I don't even know how many calories I have everyday.
I know its not very much still....800?
I cant do this.. I dont want to eat a thing.. I cant do this oh god...
but everytime i say to myself "no food" i go into the fridge and grab as many sweets as i can, but my body wont let me induce vomiting anymore so im stuck laying in my bed crying for hours while i feel it digest inside of me.

I need someone to show me what a healthy teenage female body is supposed to look like, because I dont know. I want my ribs too show under my pale white skin. and i think its beautiful when i achieved that. but no. im always hungry and i hate it and i want to lose more...i want to make it to 105 then i can be happy. then i will be ok.

(i'm 5'5)

does anyone know/have a picture of a healthy female body?
my perception is not right anymore..i know its not...

 

[ggg456]

I can relate

I don't know what a healthy teenage body is supposed to look like because there is a spectrum of what 'healthy' is and people have different body shapes. A person could be, according to BMI, overweight and still be more healthy than someone who is normal weight.

But I do understand your fear and everything you said.

A healthy body is something you feel comfortable with, although I know what a stupid thing that is to say when you have anorexia:sad:. I told my therapist I'm never going to be fully 'recovered' from my eating disorder, I can only compromise by eating healthily and hope I never get so physically sick with it. If I do go above a certain weight or look different than I'm used to, I'd probably feel as frantic as you.

Maybe look at it this way. You have this thing about your ribs..maybe try and figure out what your ribs mean to you. Does it mean having control? Is it symbolic in someway of some kind of 'success'? Maybe there are other ways you can make yourself feel successful and feel like you've achieved something than obsessing over whether you can see your ribs or not. I'm sure you're beautiful anyway, ribs showing or not. It's the mind-games that eating disorders play that make the way people look at themselves feel so awful. And you could be 105lbs and feel shit (tired, no energy etc)..maybe the weight isn't the thing to concentrate on, maybe it's how you look at yourself. There's far more to you than your ribs and numbers on a scale.

There are probably a lot of feelings behind all the need to lose weight which is useful to think about if you're worried about falling into the mess that you're used to.

Take care.

xx

 

[Esmeralda]

In anthropologic and scientific studies, a woman with a waist-to-hip ratio of about .7-.8 is the most attractive and the healthiest. This means that the waist is about 70-80% the size of the hips, resulting in an hourglass shape. These stick-thin women like Keira Knightly are actually found by men and most women to be about as attractive as a teenaged boy. Your weight at 124 is ideal for your height and you could even stand to gain a few pounds.