Oh God

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by am I alive, Jun 12, 2007.

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  1. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    I'm extremely depressed atm,I just cant describe how i feel. God if you exist why don't you kill me?. I don't deserve to live,i hate my self,i hate to talk,i can't love,i hate everything in this world,but i hate to be alone too. Why i can't be like everyone else,why???,why i can't smile,laugh,love,just like everyone else,why i want to be alone,why?why i don't want enyone close to me,why? If you can't answer this than kill me OK? I would do that, but i can't,the only person in this world i love is my mother,i don't want hurt her no more...somethimes i wish she is dead...oh, god what a person i am,i am not a human i'm a monster, please,please kill me,I'm an atheist,so come on prove me i'm wrong,just do it:blub:
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I sense a lot of pain in this post. I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. Are you on meds for your depression? Are you talking to anyone about what is going on in your life? If not, it may be something to consider. If you are maybe an adjustment needs to be made. Are you near an anniversary of something? Anything trigger you? Sorry for all the questions, I am just trying to think of things that may be a possible explanation or help to you. Please hang in there.See if you can wait it out. i am sorry you are having to suffer. :hug:
     
  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    No i am not on meds. I'm 26 soon,still student,have no close friends,social life,and most important i don't have a gf, I never felt love, i don't know what is it. I'm most of time alone,i just used to it. I still live with parents,and depends on them,also dont have a job. I'm not ugly,many girls are interested in me but i feel so empty that i just can't get any of them though i suffer because of that. Somethimes i just can't talk to anyone i just want to be alone. I just can't live like everybody else. I even can't imagine myself having a gf, how sad is that? I can't live without love,thats a natural need.I guess something is stronger than me that telling me "you dont deserve it,you are so patetic",and that is true.I have lost will to change anything,I just live for the day when i'm gonna kill myself.
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    The number one thing I think you should work on is yourself, don't worry about finding a girlfriend or love just yet, work on your depression and your inner demons, after that, things will be much easier.
    Make that your first priority, don't focus on anything else, I hope you can fix your depression and inner torment.
     
  5. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    I wish I'm not the way I am,but fuck,I can't change it. I moved alot since i was kid,never had a chanse to get close to anyone, never lived life like everyone else. You know it's like being brought from the jungle (something like Tarzan),now i can't accept the rules of this world, i feel uncomfortable,I'm scared i don't want anyone in my life,but at the other side i have natural instincts like everyone else,i need to be loved,to have somebody in my life.
    I know i will die soon,that makes me happy,wtf who wants to live forever? Does it really matter will i die for a year,two or 50,who cares,many inoccent people die every day, why shouldnt I?

    PS: You can't be biggest loser than me,maybe just same as me but biggest than me,NO that is not possible.
     
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel, I also moved around several times in my childhood and lost some good friends, I think that messed me up. I am also very different from everyone else, inferior and I like your analogy of Tarzan, I feel just like that.

    I also feel that since I have been a loser for my 20 years of life, that I cannot change now and will always be messed up and a loser so I should kill myself.
     
  7. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey guys

    I'm an old fart compared to you at 40, but having been where you are for along long time, for a very different reason, being gay and all, and being brought up to think that was the lowest form of life, what is it my dad used to say "they should be tested and shot at birth", if only he knew, he was talking about his own son, and sadly to this day he still does, he still doesn't know I'm gay.

    The fact you love people in your life, means a lot, the fact you don't want to hurt these people means even more, you're probably not going to like this, but try not to do the same things over and over again, take a few chances, try and make yourself do things you wouldn't normaly do, may be even things you don't think you will like doing, if you get invited out the say yes, even if you feel like saying no, try not to spend so much time alone, try and change things in your life, even if it just little things.

    I have felt just the same way you do now in the past, but it is possible to get through it, it is possible to move, its not easy, it will make you very uncomfortable and at times very scared, but half the battle is to realise that if nothing changes, then your life will not change and the person that can help make things change is you.

    You may have heard it all before, and people saying this kind of thing really used to get on my nerves, but do your best to fight against the feelings and actions that depression makes you want to do, because that just helps keep you in that horrible place you are in now.

    Things will get better but you can help make them better

    It's hard, really hard, but give it a try.

    Take care
    Have fun
    Be safe
     
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