hi. i am new to the site. and i know there is a board for all newcomers to introduce themselves and whatnot, but i am at the brink, and don't feel like an introduction is dire. to make a long story short, i have been incredibly, profoundly depressed for ten years- to the point where i've spent weeks in bed, not able to brush my teeth, shower, and other gross things that i will do you the favor of not sharing. i have been in and out of institutions and have tried to kill myself before. i am only 19 years old. i really have tried to help myself... i really have tried to not let my ailments win. people who suffer with depression get this rep of being negative and ungrateful, and i truly do recognize and am thankful for the good things i have in my life. i try my very best to keep positive. but ultimately the good is not enough to keep me wanting to stay alive. i like to think of myself as not a selfish person- i mean of course i have my moments, but as depressed as i have been, i try not to take my misery out on others, and be there for the ones i love. but quite frankly, i can't live my life for other's sake anymore. if a fairy godmother were to come down and tell me that in a year from now- or two- or five or whatever, i would be the happiest person in the world, and that that happiness and contentment with my life and with myself would last to my dying days, but before i get to that point- i'd have to live out those years beforehand as depressed as i am now, i wouldn't want it. i'd ask her for death. people say suicide is selfish. and i agree with that (to a certain point). but shouldn't we all be allowed to be selfish once in awhile? isn't that our right? i find myself searching for hit men online to do the deed. but i don't really trust any of the sites i've stumbled upon. i would love to go about doing it myself, but i just don't believe that overdosing is going to do the trick (from previous attempts), and i don't have access to a gun or heroin. and i know that if someone reallys wants to die, they'd find a way. but i am plagued with these thoughts, that given my luck, i'd be that one in a millionth person who tries to commit suicide and something goes awry leaving me brain damaged forever, or paralyzed etc. i have in-depth, specific visions of something like that happening, and having those visions only makes me more worried that if i were to attempt suicide that's what would happen (ever heard of the secret anyone?). anyways, that's where i'm at. please don't get too concerned though, i know that i'm not going to go ahead and off myself anytime soon. my single mother, who i live with, has cancer, and is going through chemotherapy- and what kind of daughter would i be leaving her all alone? sometimes i wish i had no one in the world who loved me, because then i'd have no obligation to stick around. no guilt. please don't misunderstand me though, i know how lucky i am to be loved. so many people don't have what i have, and knowing that there are people in the world who suffer loveless lives makes me even more depressed about the world. so. i just needed to share. normally i would restrain myself from sounding so bratty and "woe is me". because i have such disdain for those types of people, but quite frankly i am too tired to spend an hour going over everything i typed, trying to make myself seem more mature and wise. i'm just too tired. in every aspect of life. thanks for giving your time to read this. and i don't say that lightly.