oh goodness.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by depressedfortoolong, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. depressedfortoolong

    depressedfortoolong New Member

    hi. i am new to the site. and i know there is a board for all newcomers to introduce themselves and whatnot, but i am at the brink, and don't feel like an introduction is dire.
    to make a long story short, i have been incredibly, profoundly depressed for ten years- to the point where i've spent weeks in bed, not able to brush my teeth, shower, and other gross things that i will do you the favor of not sharing. i have been in and out of institutions and have tried to kill myself before.
    i am only 19 years old.
    i really have tried to help myself... i really have tried to not let my ailments win. people who suffer with depression get this rep of being negative and ungrateful, and i truly do recognize and am thankful for the good things i have in my life. i try my very best to keep positive. but ultimately the good is not enough to keep me wanting to stay alive. i like to think of myself as not a selfish person- i mean of course i have my moments, but as depressed as i have been, i try not to take my misery out on others, and be there for the ones i love.
    but quite frankly, i can't live my life for other's sake anymore. if a fairy godmother were to come down and tell me that in a year from now- or two- or five or whatever, i would be the happiest person in the world, and that that happiness and contentment with my life and with myself would last to my dying days, but before i get to that point- i'd have to live out those years beforehand as depressed as i am now, i wouldn't want it. i'd ask her for death.
    people say suicide is selfish. and i agree with that (to a certain point). but shouldn't we all be allowed to be selfish once in awhile? isn't that our right?
    i find myself searching for hit men online to do the deed. but i don't really trust any of the sites i've stumbled upon. i would love to go about doing it myself, but i just don't believe that overdosing is going to do the trick (from previous attempts), and i don't have access to a gun or heroin. and i know that if someone reallys wants to die, they'd find a way. but i am plagued with these thoughts, that given my luck, i'd be that one in a millionth person who tries to commit suicide and something goes awry leaving me brain damaged forever, or paralyzed etc.
    i have in-depth, specific visions of something like that happening, and having those visions only makes me more worried that if i were to attempt suicide that's what would happen (ever heard of the secret anyone?).
    anyways, that's where i'm at. please don't get too concerned though, i know that i'm not going to go ahead and off myself anytime soon. my single mother, who i live with, has cancer, and is going through chemotherapy- and what kind of daughter would i be leaving her all alone?
    sometimes i wish i had no one in the world who loved me, because then i'd have no obligation to stick around. no guilt. please don't misunderstand me though, i know how lucky i am to be loved. so many people don't have what i have, and knowing that there are people in the world who suffer loveless lives makes me even more depressed about the world.
    so. i just needed to share.
    normally i would restrain myself from sounding so bratty and "woe is me". because i have such disdain for those types of people, but quite frankly i am too tired to spend an hour going over everything i typed, trying to make myself seem more mature and wise. i'm just too tired. in every aspect of life.
    thanks for giving your time to read this. and i don't say that lightly.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey welcome glad you could come here and just vent get the pain out. You are so young and i hope you can reach out to your doctor to see what other treatments there are to help. Psychologist for talking new medications out there add ons anything to get you in a different place okay I am sorry about your mom my mom had cancer treatments too and is doing better now I hope your mom gets stronger as well. take care okay never feel bad for coming here for some support.
  3. depressedfortoolong

    depressedfortoolong New Member

    you are so sweet. it was nice to vent, and nice to get a response from someone who wasn't a doctor or therapist. reading your post, put at me at ease. thank you so much.
  4. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    You are still so young, to young to be thinking the way you do.Terrible things must have happen in your life.How about telling something about your past? Even if you do think it might not help. Did you find any professional help? I meself am depressed for several years but i believe my problems arent even close to what some members on SF have gone trough.By reading the most horrible story's on this board i started thinking i am selfish and my problems arent shit compared to others here.There are some strong people on this forum still fighting for a way to get things straight even if they dont see it theirself this way. I am happy having read those story's from starty to end. Maybe it could make you feel a bit better if you try the same? All tiny bits help. And Yes being selfish is your good right, the point is we should try to move in life between that and still trying to be responsible.Ive had suicidal thoughts meself but i find meself still able to dream about things i would like to do in my life, somehow i just cant live with the tought that i am not around anymore before i have done some certain things in life.Guess i am a dreamer.One of those things would be driving the old highway route 66.Yes for a dreamer like me something simple as this could give me a positive spark once in a while which is enough to keep me going for now.I guess it is all about how each individual handles his problems in his head.How strong am i? How strong are you?Is there something you would love to do, A hobby or something you never done before? If so Try to hold on to those thoughts even if it is hard to think forward for a longer period. Somehow i am able to think further ahead then only tomorrow and i do feel blessed for having that ability.Maybe tell us a bit more about your sitiution? If you dont like talking about what happend to you maybe you could say something about your current situation ? School ? Work ? Single ? I feel for you. Being depressed can make you live on the edge. You are certainly to young to have suicidal thoughts. Its allways to young to have those thoughts offcourse but man 19 years young? Cheers
    sorry for the typo's english isnt my strongest
    i am all ears if you like to talk, hang it there
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2010