Oh Lawd, where do I start?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Carfax, Aug 8, 2007.

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  1. Carfax

    Carfax Member

    Hi. What's up? Well, as you may have guessed, I'm really not feeling very happy about life at this moment in time, and I'd just like to get a few things off my chest, if you don't mind?



    The most pressing issue in my life right now is the very recent breakup with my girlfriend of approx. 1 year. Big deal, some of you may say... there are worse things that could happen to a person. I agree, and my motto is USUALLY along the lines of "Hey, it could be worse."... but let me tell you something, the pain I am feeling the past few days is so intense that I have literally buried myself deep inside and allowed my less-than-friendly alter-ego to take the wheel... this is obviously not something I want to do, but at the same time, "he" prevents me from taking the unfortunate last step on occasion. I know, I'm messed up... and as my therapist would say, "that's a judgment." The one thing none of us suffering from these thoughts need is further negative judgments... but I don't seem to be able to prevent them in my current state.

    I think about how we were, how much we loved (and still love.. it's complicated) each other, how we helped each other through some extremely rough times, I think about how I can no longer go to bed with her at night and tell her how I really feel. I miss her already, and I honestly have wanted to die several times in the last few days. She told me that if I killed myself though, that she would never forgive me or be able to live with herself for this pain she had no intention of causing me. We have cried together on the phone, but her mind is apparently made up... and she wants to be an independent person for a while, maybe a long while. My heart aches, and the pressure on my chest and in my throat at this moment is tearing me apart, the thought of love lost to the curiosity of youth and her desires to explore... I hate myself for falling in love with her via trying to get over a previous girlfriend, but that's my life.. I feel utterly cursed, and that God, whoever He/She/It may be, wants me to suffer. How could I not think that after so many deaths in my family and painful breakups, heartache, panic disorder, major depression that has totaled years of crying and hopelessness? What did I do to deserve this, I constantly ask myself.. I panic and I repeat "Someone please make it stop." as I cry and feel like I'm going to hurt forever... even though I probably won't. And neither will you.

    But right now, I'm not so confident. You see, just because we are capable of logic does not mean we always have access to it. Emotions block that access, and our ability to come to the conclusion that we are going to get better becomes muddled. Ugh. I feel like crap. I think of her with other guys or just fading out of my life, even though she wants me in her life, and I just... I dunno... it just hurts. Really F'ing bad, people. I swear I have not felt this horrible since I was in my teens and first began to experience Clinical Depression at its absolute worst.

    On top of all this, I was in the middle of getting off of a medication for Depression that I was on for 7.. I repeat SEVEN YEARS. What timing the fates have in their quest to give me the ultimate life-sized wedgie, huh? Obviously, I'm trying to tackle this with a bit of humor, but she and I talked every night, without fail (except maybe a few times), and the nights are the worst. Sure, I could still talk to her, but it hurts to even look around my apartment and see the gifts she's bought me and even made for me with her own hands. Just thinking about it now makes me want to curl into a ball and die... just so it doesn't hurt anymore.

    I'm rambling, and probably saying the same thing over and over. I think you get the picture. I really care for this girl, and am completely devastated at the very sudden split... one that I don't feel confident will mend itself for a long time. I think about the future, the coming days and weeks, months, and how depressing Autumn is for me already, and I think.. "I can't do this."

    I don't know if I can or not. I don't want to do the deed because it would hurt her so badly, and once life is over, what's the guarantee that what's on the other side after suicide is any rosier? Tell me that. What if you remain a wandering, depressed spirit whose punishment is to be alone for eternity? That's some scary s***, something that makes me think about just suffering through life, no matter how rough it is, and making the best of the time I have.

    The problem is, I'm a very negative person, and not very ambitious. I have been waiting for someone to help me with these aspects of my life for a decade (sadly, this means that all of my relationships have been online ones). Sometimes I don't even want to get better; I want to just sit by myself and listen to sad music and cry and rot away because no one cares, no one loves me. The latter two are not true at all, in fact I have some very close friends who will give me support if I need it, even if they don't seem to have been gifted in that area. I mean, my one friend, I'm telling him I want to die.. then I ask him what he's up to, and he goes "Hanging out with my girlfriend."

    YOU IDIOT! ARRGH. I should drive to Florida and punch you in the face for that callous remark. But I won't, it's cool that you have someone. I just wish I did.

    This post is getting really long, but what I just said, that brings up yet another problem. One of my biggest weaknesses is Separation Anxiety. It was very hard for me as a child to be away from my Mom. As I grew older, I found that I got attached to other people and places, and was therefore afraid of people and places that were not the first people and places. Huh? Yeah, I think I got that right. It's 3:30 and I'm tired, give me a break. So anyway, the separation anxiety is really never going to get better unless I learn to be with myself first, someone else later. I'm just very nervous outside my comfort zone, and I hate it more than just about everything, except maybe spiders.

    I mean, can you see the problem? I don't dare just jump into yet ANOTHER internet relationship to cover up the recently failed one. I need an actual physical relationship for once, and before that I need to learn how to be by myself and be ok. All of these things weighing on my mind in addition to the crushing blow dealt by my ... ex... they're causing thoughts of death, suicide, and worse.

    I'd like some solid advice, if you care to spare any. Otherwise, hugs and genuine well wishing will be accepted, as well as Visa or Mastercard.:rolleyes:
  2. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    plenty of reasons to have hope. cheer up~!

    Don't mean to be blunt, but time does 'heal' broken relationships. That's what happened to
    everyone(friends, relatives) around me. They got into the dating game right after living in agony for a certain period of time.(a few months) And there's no shame in that.

    If you want her back.. I know you shouldn't try to talk to her every night. It's just one of those 'rules.' Crying and hanging onto her too much(if you do) will only worsen the situation and
    bring out the negative in what's left of your relationhship.(will make her lose sympathy)

    I think chances are(if you're letting her drag you around) she'll end up saying "let's just be friends" and... the relationship will be over.

    Basically you need to give her some time. Give her some time to regroup as you should yourself.
    From your post, it does seem you and she did love each other a lot. I believe there'll be a time where you can try to get together with her. You must wait for the right moment.

    I heard sympathy does not work so well with women once their hearts turn cold...

    The saying goes, men are animals of 'longing', we hold onto the time and memories(of the relationships) for a long~ time. Men always miss their ex's and want to see'em.
    but women could be different. Women are said to be the more emotional of the two(during the relationship) but when they make up their mind(the breakup), it's often final. They will cry and stuff.. but they won't take him back. They tend to be a bit more indifferent towards their ex's.(esp. if it was over cheating and stuff)

    So just be aware of that. At least that's what it says the tendency is in psychology books. So just take it as reference.(take it half-heartedly)

    I do not have much dating experience myself. But I've heard the above 'statements' time and time again in online discussion forums and from people around me. So it does have some proof in it.

    As for depression and.. separation anxiety, after reading your posts over and over..
    There really is no answer. You're kind of making it sound like there's nothing we can do about it, like leaving no space for us to budge in.. you know what I mean..

    Like...... I mean I'm a much more negative person than you are. I know. Just read half of my post in "my last post" thread.

    I've been alone most of my life. lost a couple of people, I've never needed antidepressants from doctor visits... I mean..

    I don't think you have separation anxiety.. or severe depression(you certainly do now, with a good reason to feel the way you do, but like.. not naturally)

    My guess(assuming from the way you write) is that you're a very emotional for a guy(that's not a bad thing) and you're a very paranoid person, it seems.

    Ok, I don't know why I start sounding a little mean and 'bitchy' but please do not feel that way. (Trust me. I'm not on the whole 'my life's more sh*tty than you!' bullshit, not at 4:32am) I'm just trying to help... presently 4:35am..

    It doesn't show in your post, but I think you're someone like me who takes life and everything way too seriously and thinks too much.(my assumption)

    You should go easy(not the breakup problem but) on yourself in 'general.'

    Another advice I recommend is.. post this on a dating forum.. but edit it heavily.
    Do not go into depth about your depression and separation anxiety, leave'em out, just add more details(the things she said and such) to the relationship problem you have and ask for dating advice. Do NOT say 'I'm a very negative person and blah blah.."
    leave'em out.

    But any kind of very thoughtful advice and quotes won't make you feel better. It'll only make you think more and harder..(driving you nuts) which is not good.

    Don't listen to sad music and cry. Try to enjoy your single life and your hobbies for a while. immerse yourself in work or sports. Go for a drink with your buddies. Don't think too much right now, your head'll explode and it'll kill you. Wait for an opportunity to get her back. Don't rush it.

    Anyway, I don't know why my post sounds kind of mean.. but I guess trying to give solutions is better than typing kinds words and good luck.

    I also believe you can overcome the depression and separation anxiety problems.
    It more or less is stemming from low self-esteem issues, not something requiring psychiatric help or pills.(except for losing loved ones) FIX it before it is too late(at this stage, you can fix it with some effort) and gets worse like the one I have, then you really get thrown into the downward spirals and you don't want that.

    I'm in a lot of fear and mental pain.. and when I see someone like me(not me, but my "state"), the urge to try to help is a natural thing.
    I hope this post can ease your mind a bit.

    Suicide is definitely not what she wants and chances are she still loves you dearly, you just have to catch her at the right time.

    It's 5:11am.. God.. I said I was going to bed.. 2 hours ago..

    Anyway don't lose sleep over it, you'll be just fine.
  3. Carfax

    Carfax Member

    Hey, thanks for the insightful reply. Believe it or not, I find what you suggested very good information and would be using it already if it weren't for my previously stated statement regarding emotions blocking logic like a 500 lb. goalie on java (the coffee, not the programming language)...

    I'm going to try to hang in there. I mean, I have had suicidal thoughts because of this horrible emotional trauma I'm going through, but more often than that I just want to die. There's a difference. I don't know if I have the ability to kill myself, knowing how it would affect others. There is almost always an alternative to relieving pain, especially in my case where time will probably heal all. I don't want to seem like a crybaby, and whine about a breakup like it's the end of the world, but I have seriously had major panic attacks and painful breathing since I wrote the first post, because of what's going on.

    I know it's going to come back in another wave as soon as I am alone or see her pic or hear her voice, so I don't know what I'm going to end up doing, and I really am tired of all this suffering, seeing it AND experiencing it, but maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are, if I could just push my emotions out of the way in order to see.

    Thanks again.

    PS: No, your post doesn't sound mean. You're just being honest, and I much prefer that to someone blowing sunshine up my butt just to get me through the next few hours. Suggestions and hard work are required to get out of any depression (I do have clinical Depression, it just hasn't been a problem for years but now that I'm off the Effexor and the new meds are still kicking in, this could not have happened at a worse time. Otherwise I might be handling this better).......
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