Hi. What's up? Well, as you may have guessed, I'm really not feeling very happy about life at this moment in time, and I'd just like to get a few things off my chest, if you don't mind? Ok? Ok. The most pressing issue in my life right now is the very recent breakup with my girlfriend of approx. 1 year. Big deal, some of you may say... there are worse things that could happen to a person. I agree, and my motto is USUALLY along the lines of "Hey, it could be worse."... but let me tell you something, the pain I am feeling the past few days is so intense that I have literally buried myself deep inside and allowed my less-than-friendly alter-ego to take the wheel... this is obviously not something I want to do, but at the same time, "he" prevents me from taking the unfortunate last step on occasion. I know, I'm messed up... and as my therapist would say, "that's a judgment." The one thing none of us suffering from these thoughts need is further negative judgments... but I don't seem to be able to prevent them in my current state. I think about how we were, how much we loved (and still love.. it's complicated) each other, how we helped each other through some extremely rough times, I think about how I can no longer go to bed with her at night and tell her how I really feel. I miss her already, and I honestly have wanted to die several times in the last few days. She told me that if I killed myself though, that she would never forgive me or be able to live with herself for this pain she had no intention of causing me. We have cried together on the phone, but her mind is apparently made up... and she wants to be an independent person for a while, maybe a long while. My heart aches, and the pressure on my chest and in my throat at this moment is tearing me apart, the thought of love lost to the curiosity of youth and her desires to explore... I hate myself for falling in love with her via trying to get over a previous girlfriend, but that's my life.. I feel utterly cursed, and that God, whoever He/She/It may be, wants me to suffer. How could I not think that after so many deaths in my family and painful breakups, heartache, panic disorder, major depression that has totaled years of crying and hopelessness? What did I do to deserve this, I constantly ask myself.. I panic and I repeat "Someone please make it stop." as I cry and feel like I'm going to hurt forever... even though I probably won't. And neither will you. But right now, I'm not so confident. You see, just because we are capable of logic does not mean we always have access to it. Emotions block that access, and our ability to come to the conclusion that we are going to get better becomes muddled. Ugh. I feel like crap. I think of her with other guys or just fading out of my life, even though she wants me in her life, and I just... I dunno... it just hurts. Really F'ing bad, people. I swear I have not felt this horrible since I was in my teens and first began to experience Clinical Depression at its absolute worst. On top of all this, I was in the middle of getting off of a medication for Depression that I was on for 7.. I repeat SEVEN YEARS. What timing the fates have in their quest to give me the ultimate life-sized wedgie, huh? Obviously, I'm trying to tackle this with a bit of humor, but she and I talked every night, without fail (except maybe a few times), and the nights are the worst. Sure, I could still talk to her, but it hurts to even look around my apartment and see the gifts she's bought me and even made for me with her own hands. Just thinking about it now makes me want to curl into a ball and die... just so it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm rambling, and probably saying the same thing over and over. I think you get the picture. I really care for this girl, and am completely devastated at the very sudden split... one that I don't feel confident will mend itself for a long time. I think about the future, the coming days and weeks, months, and how depressing Autumn is for me already, and I think.. "I can't do this." I don't know if I can or not. I don't want to do the deed because it would hurt her so badly, and once life is over, what's the guarantee that what's on the other side after suicide is any rosier? Tell me that. What if you remain a wandering, depressed spirit whose punishment is to be alone for eternity? That's some scary s***, something that makes me think about just suffering through life, no matter how rough it is, and making the best of the time I have. The problem is, I'm a very negative person, and not very ambitious. I have been waiting for someone to help me with these aspects of my life for a decade (sadly, this means that all of my relationships have been online ones). Sometimes I don't even want to get better; I want to just sit by myself and listen to sad music and cry and rot away because no one cares, no one loves me. The latter two are not true at all, in fact I have some very close friends who will give me support if I need it, even if they don't seem to have been gifted in that area. I mean, my one friend, I'm telling him I want to die.. then I ask him what he's up to, and he goes "Hanging out with my girlfriend." YOU IDIOT! ARRGH. I should drive to Florida and punch you in the face for that callous remark. But I won't, it's cool that you have someone. I just wish I did. This post is getting really long, but what I just said, that brings up yet another problem. One of my biggest weaknesses is Separation Anxiety. It was very hard for me as a child to be away from my Mom. As I grew older, I found that I got attached to other people and places, and was therefore afraid of people and places that were not the first people and places. Huh? Yeah, I think I got that right. It's 3:30 and I'm tired, give me a break. So anyway, the separation anxiety is really never going to get better unless I learn to be with myself first, someone else later. I'm just very nervous outside my comfort zone, and I hate it more than just about everything, except maybe spiders. I mean, can you see the problem? I don't dare just jump into yet ANOTHER internet relationship to cover up the recently failed one. I need an actual physical relationship for once, and before that I need to learn how to be by myself and be ok. All of these things weighing on my mind in addition to the crushing blow dealt by my ... ex... they're causing thoughts of death, suicide, and worse. I'd like some solid advice, if you care to spare any. Otherwise, hugs and genuine well wishing will be accepted, as well as Visa or Mastercard.