Oh my God, I really am going to kill myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LostInPain, Jan 11, 2014.

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  1. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Oh God, I can't take this divorce anymore. I came across some photos of me and my family and I can't believe she's doing this to me. My life is over. I want to die. I want to die right now. I can't take this pain anymore. Oh God let me go. I can't live without my family. I need to get some courage and kill myself. I've been trying so hard to do what everyone wants and move on with my life and I can't. I can't take this agony. It gets worse and worse. I need to die. It's way too late to recover. I'm sorry this is going to hurt my brothers and others, but I can't bear to have this woman I have loved so unconditionally and so wholeheartedly accuse me of doing things I would never have done to her. She obviously doesn't love me and just wants excuses to end our marriage. All I ever wanted was to love her. I can't believe she could do this to me after all the love and devotion I shared with her. I need to go. I need to die. No one can help. There's no reason to live anymore. I never knew such agony existed. Please God, I beg you, please end my suffering. Please.
  2. ima.grandma

    ima.grandma New Member

    Hi there. I finally found this blog after searching for days for some online support for attempt survivors. Constant searches brought me the conclusion there is little information helping us recover and where to go from here, much less this wonderful website.

    Words cannot tell you how blessed I feel that someone found me in time. I just attempted for the first and only time in my life after thinking about it for as long as I can remember and I am 57 years old. It has only been six days ago that I thought there was only one way out, so I get it. Just take it minute by minute. My mama always told me, "This too shall pass." I am so grateful she' always right.

    I see you mentioned family and friends and how you know they will be hurt. I thought the same thing but seeing how my attempt has affected my family. Reach out! They love you and just connecting with someone, anyone.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It isn't too late to recover. I know it feels that way right now... it must feel like you can't stand another second of the pain you're in. And there's no quick fix... I realize there isn't much words can do, that you feel like you're alone and nobody can help. But you don't need to go, you can make it through this. Please keep reaching out... on here, and to a professional if you can. You don't have to go through this alone.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Get a hold of your brother ok stay with him if not go to hospital and get the support you need to stay safe for him and you ok this women is not worth you taking your life ok you will find another just right now you are in to much pain to see it. I am sorry hun i really am sorry she is doing this to you but don't let her take you away from the ones that do matter ok hugs
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    hi lostinpain,

    i would strongly suggest putting the pics and videos and other reminders to the side for a time, til you are able to look upon them without the raw pain they give atm. it is not that she does not love you, her mind is confusing her atm with delusions that she has accepted as reality... at least given the conversation we've had in the past about this, that is what i've come to believe. its one of those things, its neither her fault nor yours... and you just are both having to do the best you can with a horrible situation... unfortunately, in this case, that means being without one another. i know losing someone you love whether through break up of the relationship or death is hard and hurts bad, only thing i can say is after time has passed, you will find it easier to separate the painful from the fond memories and then you can start healing well enough to really "move on". for now, you need to allow yourself some time to grieve, but not dwell. whats the difference? when you dwell... you focus on her to the point that it is as if she's still in your life, and its a constant focus and unhealthy. when you grieve, you allow yourself both good and bad memories, and you don't spend too long thinking about either particular memory... you allow yourself to feel the hurt, maybe even cry or scream some, but you also give yourself permission to not focus on her at all. grieving is healthy, dwelling is unhealthy.... which do you think you are doing atm? (not a trick question, a sincere one -- since i am not you, i cannot judge that accurately)
  6. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I'm trying. I really am. I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, everything that everyone is saying to do. I can't stop grieving. I'm going to keep trying, but I don't think it's going to work. I just lost my job and had to take one for a lot less money and now I'm moving to a place an hour away from my home (my wife's house) so I won't keep going places and seeing things that remind me of her constantly. But I have no friends there, I know no one at the new job yet and am about to spend the next 3 weeks focusing on the nuts and bolts of the divorce. This is all within a 6 week period. I just wish I could stop waking up in pain. I can't function - everything I see or experience reminds me in some way of what I'm facing. If I last another 3 weeks or so, I'll have different medical insurance and will see if it covers mental health care and try to see if treatment for depression or counseling or something is available. I have plans to do things for the next 7 or 8 months, like I'm supposed to, but I am seriously doubting I will live that long. As time goes by, even when I have relatively calm moments like this right now (loaded on Xanax the doctor has been giving me), the likelihood of me committing suicide seems to grow. I've never been suicidal in my life. After considering this for the last 6 weeks, it is beginning to seem likely that I will not make it to see the end of the year. I'll keep trying and reaching out and doing the things I'm supposed to, but it doesn't look promising. I thank you all for the words and thoughts. I know you guys are there. I appreciate your taking the time, all of you. Thank you. No matter what happens, I appreciate you all.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you'll keep trying. That takes a LOT of courage. And we'll continue to be here so you don't have to face this alone. :hug:
  8. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Thank you, WildCherry. I truly appreciate the support you've been giving me here. It helps, truly.
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