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oh my god i'm going to spaz...help me please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Apr 16, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Having an argument with fiance.

    Heart is about to explode out of my chest. I can't breathe.

    We like almost broke up I think...and I tried talking to my ex for comfort. He didn't answer yet though. But I'm a horrible person for trying.

    I feel like he's going to leave me, especially if he finds out I tried to contact the ex. I can't deal with this. I need to die. I can't do it anymore.
  2. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    Hi TooShyToScream,

    It sounds like you're very afraid and in a ton of emotional pain right now, which makes sense considering your argument. Is there anything you can do to calm down in a safe way? Take a hot shower, hold ice, scream into a pillow, yoga, etc? When your head is clearer and you are less emotional, you might be able to see a way out of this pain that does not involve ending your own life. Please hold on.
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Reaching out for comfort does not make you a horrible person - we all do things we regret, don't beat yourself up about just being human...
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    No, I've done it too many times before, he won't forgive me :( I either have to hide that I did it, or die. I don't have another choice.

    He said he wouldn't leave...so I feel a little better. But holy shit I just had the worst panic attack of my life. I'm still shaking.
  5. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    ok this might sound sneaky but, how are the chances of him finding out?
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, I can block texts, but not phone numbers. So if he calls tonight "coincidentally", my fiance will know I contacted him. Or he could even leave a voicemail and might mention me talking to him. Oh god, I am so stupid. I really think I should just kill myself.
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I get my ativan prescription this tuesday. I'll just take the whole bottle with some alcohol.
  8. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    ^ no that doesnt sound like a good idea. maybe you can text your ex and tell him not to call you (so your fiance wont find out, in case your cool enough with your ex so that he will understand that)
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Okay...ill kill the battery on my phone tonight and won't charge it til tomorrow so I get any calls...then I'll buy the call blocker from at&t and block his numbers. Sigh. I am still retarded though. I can't believe I did that. I freaked so hard.
  10. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    that sounds like a reaction id have! i had two big fights with my bf and i just called, texted, emailed anyone for comfort. called crisis line like 30 times. i can very well understand why you needed comfort

    oh and he also said he wasnt gonna leave me. but only the thought that there was something wrong, not being close to him, the possibility of him leaving made me go absolutely nuts
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2011
  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well I found an app to install that blocks calls...so I should be fine. I'll just check and make sure it works once I get home. Thanks everyone for your support and understanding.

    Loudsilence - I know what you mean...it's not like I have friends so he was just my first instinct. I was totally panicking thinking we were going to break up. We didn't though, but I still made a big mistake. Oh well, at least I realize it was wrong and don't want him returning my call, right?
  12. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    i wouldnt really look at it as a mistake, since you really needed comfort in that second. dont blame yourself for doing it. nothing happend, he wont call back and your fiance doesnt have to know about it.
    its good that youve calmed down :arms:
  13. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well the stupid app didn't even work, but I managed to hide the phone calls that I ended up getting the next day for a while. Then guilt ate me alive and he could tell I was feeling bad about something, so I came out with it. Said I tried to talk to him when I was panicking but when the symptoms subsided, I didn't want to anymore. And he forgave me and actually commended me for telling him the truth. He said that I've been looking sad the past day and probably punished myself enough for it. So we made up and all and I felt much better. I'm still going to get a better call blocker though, but this time fiance is aware of it.
  14. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Thats good. I bet that took a lot of stress off you :) I guess sometimes being honest with your partners works... Guess I need to learn from you :) good luck, but i'm sure you wont need it.
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