Oh my God (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Jan 23, 2011.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    It's 8am and I've been sat here for hours. Thinking. Or rather, being unable to STOP thinking. And I am so fucking angry, that I am shaking. I'll say in advance that this is probably not even make any bloody sense because my mind is racing and I'm so .. argh... infuriated that I can't even fucking seem to think clearly.

    I don't even know as such why I am this angry, or who I am angry at. Everyone at the moment I think. Mainly myself, which is not a good feeling, but a lot of other people too. But how is it, even though I have a LOT of anger directed at other people, it always come back to me. The root of all this unfathomable anger is me.

    I'm angry at my mom. I'm furious that she doesn't seem to hold an iota of remorse for the parent she has been. I'm angry that she finds it acceptable fucking behaviour to break into my flat and order someone to beat the shit out of me, break my bones, for her own fucking pleasure. I'm angry that she had me in the first place, when she has repeatedly told me I should have been aborted and that she wishes I were dead. If that is the case, why the hell didn't she fucking abort me? Or use adequate contraception? It's not as if I want to be in this shithole of a place. I'm so pissed off that she ever thought it was okay to hurt me emotionally and physically, and let others do the same when I was a child. And she still thinks it's okay. I'm MORE angry that I expect her change. All the time. I'm infuriated that I feel like the person in the wrong, that I can't hate her, that I still WANT her as a parent. What the FUCK is wrong with me to be this bloody messed up that I still fucking crave her affection?

    I'm angry at the other members of my family who sexually abused me as a child. How both of them, the pillars of the fucking community in EVERYONE'S eyes but my own, could let their fucking wants and needs override making sure they were good grandparents. I'm angry that they dragged me to church, where he played guitar for everyone and sang songs, and she wrote fucking speeches about how we should all be good people, and not sin, when that night they would just do whatever the hell they wanted with me. I'm even MORE angry at myself, because 99% of the time I'm convinced that everything was my fucking fault. I still believe them. After all this time, I still buy into the bullshit that they profess to be the truth. I hate myself because of the disgusting crap that happened with them. I live every day in a ridiculously pathetic state of feeling ashamed of myself, disgusted with myself. All these years on, I survive on barely any sleep, because every time i succumb and close my eyes, I get flashbacks. Every fucking time. And then I wake in the midst of a panic attack.

    I'm angry at my dad, for the amount of shit he has put me through, the fear he reigned me with, the fear he still controls me with, even though I don't see him. Even though I don't see any of them.

    I'm infuriated with Social Services. For placing me in care to get away from my mum, and grandparents, and dad, to 'make sure' I was looked after, and placing me with the cruel people that I went to. For placing me with people who are supposed to have adequate checks, and training, and more importantly supposed to be decent fucking people. Instead of it helping to take the pain away, the pain doubled. Once again I was hurt physically, emotionally, sexually, verbally... what the fuck. It's just so... I don't even know.

    More than anything, I am fucking fuming at myself. For everything. Because everything else that is making me angry relates back to me. Me not being fucking good enough.. whether that be a good enough daughter, or granddaughter, or foster daughter, or foster sister, or friend, or anything. Never been fucking good enough. Never will be. And now I'm my own worst enemy. Because of this 'mental illness' .. the paranoia consumes me, overwhelms me all the fucking time, the anxiety eats at me, the bipolar has more control over my life than I do. Alongside the PTSD and BPD and the bloody rest. I am drowning in this self hatred, self doubt, everything. And I hate myself for not being able to get over this shit. Or at least not be this fucked up by it. Or be able to truly believe people when they say it isn't my fault. But I can't. Why can't I? Serously, why???? I don't fucking understand.

    I'm SO angry right now. I can't stop fucking shaking. I rarely get angry. I know that within a few hours I'll just slump back into this shitty.. piece of crap. I can't DEAL with this. People tell me I can.. people tell me to get the fuck over it... as if it's that easy? I can't help the fact I have paranoia, anxiety, BP, BPD, PTSD.. blah blah blah. It CONSUMES me. And I am sick to the fucking back teeth of it.

    Arghhhhh. Screw it.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: I wish I knew what I could say to make things better. But really, no words can change any of this. Not on a screen. It's really difficult.. It's not even that. It's beyond hell to deal with.

    You deserve to have a good life. One thing is, if you do end up killing yourself, what is that telling those people that hurt you? I don't mean to sound bad. I'm just saying, if you let them get to you, and kill yourself, your encouraging the behavior in a way.

    By living, you are fighting them. And you prob already knew that but, I believe in you. You can win this battle. It takes a lot of courage to go on this long. A lot of strength. And I know its terrible. Dealing with the flashbacks all the time is hell! But you have come so far. And you need to recognize it! You are a strong person.

    If you can make it through the reality of all this so far you can make it through it again. And this time you can get help with it. You aren't alone.

    Always here if you need support. :wub: you!
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    sounds like you have every reason to be angry...
    it's good that you're letting it out on here ..
    I hope you are getting some professional help to deal with all that stress..
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you press charges against your mother and all the rest that have harmed you Get angry i find the anger pushes me to do something about it.
    Call authorities on all of them and make them pay. You are a fighter a survivor and no way in hell do you give them the chance to win okay. You are so much better then all of them I hope you are getting therapy to heal support to continue on because you deserve only COMPASSION okay not self hate.
    The only people t hat deserves that hate are the ones that abused you.
    Time to walk away from all of them okay find a safe place a shelter that will protect you an environment that is not toxic to you. Phone get help okay call shelter and see if they will take you in. hugs.
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I hold your heart close to mine D, I hold your friendship even closer.
    Thinking about you, lots.
  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Swift - thank you for your kind response, much appreciate *hug. I know that by living, I am fighting them, however, this isn't living. What I'm doing right now isn't living. It's existing. And I don't want to do that anymore. I'm tired of feeling this crap all the time. Tired of the tears, flashbacks, heartache, paranoia, just the hurt. I don't want it. But thank you hon. You're a love *wub

    IV2010 - thank you for replying. I have received professional help for almost half of my life.. I'm 21 now. It kinda makes it more frustrating that I don't really have that as an option anymore, as it clearly hasn't helped. But thank you anyway :)

    total_eclipse - I'm scared of calling the police. Partly, because it is a scary thing anyway, and I am a wimp, but also because I'm still hoping for my mom to change, and she will never change her mind if I land her in prison. I have told her if she does anything like she did twice in the past few weeks again, I would press charges, though. So I'm hoping that keeps her at bay. I don't think I am much better than them.. I wish I could believe that. But thanks

    pete4129 - thanks hon, much appreciated. Love and hugs

    I had expected this anger to dissipate a bit by now.. by I'm genuinely still shaking from fury. I think I've worked myself up too much. I keep crying (which I hate doing). I attempted suicide last week, obviously failed, and all I can think about is that. Now I have to have extremely frequent visits from Home Treatment team, and it's really stressing me out. I know, if I didn't have those regular visits, I would be able to attempt again. And it's driving me up the wall, not being able to. I've already seen them once today, and they are coming around again in a bit. I'm so fucking over it.
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Oh sweetie. :hug: I'm sobbing now. Your story is so like mine. I wish I could take all your pain away and make you believe in yourself. The truth is that it is tha fault of those dirty filthy scummy pigs that put their hands onto you. The hard part is getting you to accept and belive that.

    I have no right to ask, but have you had proper counselling for what happened? Not from a Psych doctor, but from people trained to help victims of abuse. Sometimes Social Services will pat you on the head and say "There there" and they quantify that as counselling. You need real help.

    You have every right to be abngry at these scum bags. You have every right to be feeling the way that you do. With the right help, you can start to believe in yourself and gain the strength to channel that anger in the right way. To reporth them to the police and gat them the punishment that they so very richly deserve.

    If you need an ear, please feel free to pm me. Be kind to yourself. :hug:
  8. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thanks ravenwing, for your kind words *hug

    I was in a young person psychiatric unit for 3 years as a teenager (only as a day patient for most of it, thankfully), and also saw many psychs, and therapists, some of whom were specifically trained in dealing with victims of abuse. I do understand what you mean regarding social services though, as it did happen once, but I was pushed forward for more intensive support. I have also spent some time in adult psych wards, as well as having 3 support workers, at the moment alongside Home Treatment team, who are only seeing me at the moment due to the suicide attempt.

    Thanks :) *hug
  9. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    and you know how i love you sweetheart :hug: we're too far apart for me to reach out and give you a hug, and hold you like i should, donnie, but that doesnt change how i love you, and i will never stop telling you that. like a friend, like a sister, like a shoulder, whatever you need me for sweetheart, im here, know that :hug:
    the people who hurt you, they will answer for it. life alwats gives back. your mother doesnt deserve you hun, youre a beautiful person, the number of people who love you here should reflect that for you, the number of hearts you have won, donnie, youre precious to us, and to me.
    i know youre angry, and you have right to be, but all i ask of you right now is to believe something good will come donnie, something good is ahead! i believe that, and i want you to! please try to see yourself we do.. youre beautiful :hug: :hug: :hug:
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You will never change your mother do you understand you can't She doesn't want to change You have to protect you and press charges that way she will understand what she is doing is WRONG I know it is hard but you do not have to take anymore of their bull okay their abuse You look after YOU and you only
    Your mother is never going to change not unless she get intensive therapy get clear of all of them okay and don't have contact with them again
    Time now to keep looking after YOU hugs.
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You did nothing wrong and should try to remember that...you were 'damaged' by people who should be, at best, in prison...they are the ones who should be suffering...it is amazing you write so well and can cope so well..you have been through HELL and if you feel that way, it is real...I hope you can hold in your mind that YOU are the good and gifted one and were placed in a 'family' that no one should live with...maybe it is time to place the blame in the right place, mourn the saddness (and you can and will stop crying) and move on...you do not deserve to revictimize yourself anymore...get a wonderful life and show them..that would be the best revenge! Wish I lived closer so I could go to them and give them a piece of my (little) mind...big hugs and wish I could give you on in real life...J
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with totaleclipse....you need to distance yourself from your mother permanently....she won't change unless she wants to..
    all you can do is change you and move on..
    find a 'worker' who will help you to do this..
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with totaleclipse....you need to distance yourself from your mother permanently....she won't change unless she wants to..
    all you can do is change you and move on..
    do you have a 'worker' who can help you to do this?..
  14. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Kitty - thanks hon, your words mean a lot to me. I'm grateful to have you in my life *hug. Thank you for somehow thinking.. highly... of me. You're a star *wub . Love ya

    total_eclipse - yeah I do understand that, I'm just struggling with it bigtime. Rationally I know it's probably for the best. But, in all fairness, as soon as the Home Treatment team get off my back, I'm gonna attempt again, and hope for the best. So what is the point in doing that to her, setting her up to fail, when I'm not even going to be around? Urgh. I'm sorry, head is all over the place. Thanks for your kind words. *hug

    Sadeyes - thank you for replying. I understand what you mean when you say I need to move on, and it frustrates me a ridiculous amount, because I can't seem to. All that happened has had this huge affect on me, to the extent I don't leave my flat, or have friends, and clearly don't have family. Alongside that, in the past couple of years, my mental health has really taken another turn for the worse. I do rationally understand where you are coming from though, and thank you. *hug

    IV2010 - how do I change me and move on? I wish I could. I have tried to do so for many years, as I said, had many years of therapy, and medication, but I'm tired of trying, and then failing. It hurts. All the time. So now, I'm one of those disgusting people, who doesn't even want to try anymore. Who doesn't want to keep failing at it. I truly am at a dead end now. But thank you for replying *hug . I have a few 'workers' at the moment, who have forced me to have daily contact, but they don't seem to have helped, much. *hug