It's 8am and I've been sat here for hours. Thinking. Or rather, being unable to STOP thinking. And I am so fucking angry, that I am shaking. I'll say in advance that this is probably not even make any bloody sense because my mind is racing and I'm so .. argh... infuriated that I can't even fucking seem to think clearly. I don't even know as such why I am this angry, or who I am angry at. Everyone at the moment I think. Mainly myself, which is not a good feeling, but a lot of other people too. But how is it, even though I have a LOT of anger directed at other people, it always come back to me. The root of all this unfathomable anger is me. I'm angry at my mom. I'm furious that she doesn't seem to hold an iota of remorse for the parent she has been. I'm angry that she finds it acceptable fucking behaviour to break into my flat and order someone to beat the shit out of me, break my bones, for her own fucking pleasure. I'm angry that she had me in the first place, when she has repeatedly told me I should have been aborted and that she wishes I were dead. If that is the case, why the hell didn't she fucking abort me? Or use adequate contraception? It's not as if I want to be in this shithole of a place. I'm so pissed off that she ever thought it was okay to hurt me emotionally and physically, and let others do the same when I was a child. And she still thinks it's okay. I'm MORE angry that I expect her change. All the time. I'm infuriated that I feel like the person in the wrong, that I can't hate her, that I still WANT her as a parent. What the FUCK is wrong with me to be this bloody messed up that I still fucking crave her affection? I'm angry at the other members of my family who sexually abused me as a child. How both of them, the pillars of the fucking community in EVERYONE'S eyes but my own, could let their fucking wants and needs override making sure they were good grandparents. I'm angry that they dragged me to church, where he played guitar for everyone and sang songs, and she wrote fucking speeches about how we should all be good people, and not sin, when that night they would just do whatever the hell they wanted with me. I'm even MORE angry at myself, because 99% of the time I'm convinced that everything was my fucking fault. I still believe them. After all this time, I still buy into the bullshit that they profess to be the truth. I hate myself because of the disgusting crap that happened with them. I live every day in a ridiculously pathetic state of feeling ashamed of myself, disgusted with myself. All these years on, I survive on barely any sleep, because every time i succumb and close my eyes, I get flashbacks. Every fucking time. And then I wake in the midst of a panic attack. I'm angry at my dad, for the amount of shit he has put me through, the fear he reigned me with, the fear he still controls me with, even though I don't see him. Even though I don't see any of them. I'm infuriated with Social Services. For placing me in care to get away from my mum, and grandparents, and dad, to 'make sure' I was looked after, and placing me with the cruel people that I went to. For placing me with people who are supposed to have adequate checks, and training, and more importantly supposed to be decent fucking people. Instead of it helping to take the pain away, the pain doubled. Once again I was hurt physically, emotionally, sexually, verbally... what the fuck. It's just so... I don't even know. More than anything, I am fucking fuming at myself. For everything. Because everything else that is making me angry relates back to me. Me not being fucking good enough.. whether that be a good enough daughter, or granddaughter, or foster daughter, or foster sister, or friend, or anything. Never been fucking good enough. Never will be. And now I'm my own worst enemy. Because of this 'mental illness' .. the paranoia consumes me, overwhelms me all the fucking time, the anxiety eats at me, the bipolar has more control over my life than I do. Alongside the PTSD and BPD and the bloody rest. I am drowning in this self hatred, self doubt, everything. And I hate myself for not being able to get over this shit. Or at least not be this fucked up by it. Or be able to truly believe people when they say it isn't my fault. But I can't. Why can't I? Serously, why???? I don't fucking understand. I'm SO angry right now. I can't stop fucking shaking. I rarely get angry. I know that within a few hours I'll just slump back into this shitty.. piece of crap. I can't DEAL with this. People tell me I can.. people tell me to get the fuck over it... as if it's that easy? I can't help the fact I have paranoia, anxiety, BP, BPD, PTSD.. blah blah blah. It CONSUMES me. And I am sick to the fucking back teeth of it. Arghhhhh. Screw it.