Oh no..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Closed01, Mar 23, 2008.

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  1. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    I need help. I'm so horrible. I'm so guilty, about everything. About the pain I give to others by being alive, by just existing. I can't take it. I’m dying. I can feel it, I’m getting closer to killing myself each day. I’m planning things. I’m researching, writing letters. Figuring out what to wear. It feels as if the real me is stuck somewhere inside while this new person is getting ready to die. I don’t want to…but…it seems like the only way. I don’t know if anything’s going to improve. I need to do something. I feel so hopeless, so empty. Dead already. Nothing’s working, nothing’s okay. Everything’s just screwed up. But I’m so guilty. It hurts so much..

    I can't stop crying. When I do, it feels worse than when I cry.

    I hate myself. I disgust myself.

    I don't know what I'm gonna do..

    I can't stop shaking.

    I'm sorry. This is probably a stupid thing to do.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni


    sorry to read you are feeling so low at the moment.

    that "real you" you describe is still there, even as you go about planning your death. i felt the same way when i was at my most suicidal. still, i learned to open up about my desperate feelings and got some help. at the time i described it this way "i put the tiny percentage of me, like 1% that wants to live, in charge and asked for help from my local doctor".... i still went ahead with planning, but by reaching out for help i started to slowly tip the balance towards life,

    i hope you can find it within you to reach out for help. you don't have to keep feeling so bad, so guilty, no matter what has happened or what you have done

    keep posting, you'll find many people here to listen and support you

  3. mfrieler

    mfrieler Active Member

    Of course, suicide is stupid, but I don't say that heavily. Suicide is a dumb thing to do because it's ridding yourself from your own life, most the time when you actually don't want to die, you are just someone you are not and they are making that decision for you. The thing is when you are so low, or so depressed, it doesn't matter how dumb something is...if it will fix your pain, who cares?

    I have a lot of people to live for. My best friend, my mom, my step-dad, my nephew, neice, brother, aunts...but whenever I get suicidal they don't matter to me anymore. I just ask myself, "Why am I simply staying alive to make these people happy, and not myself?"...

    I don't know what to tell you, because I'm going through the same thing you are right now. The pain never ending, and when it does I'm bauling my eyes out. Just keep talking...start here. Even private message me...:D It'd be nice to know a little more about your situation. :D
  4. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    Ok. So I'm in high school (failing because I can't concentrate enough to work), I have MDD (called Major Depressive Disorder if I remember correctly), taking 200mg of fluvoxamine though it's not doing anything..

    Nothing is helping me, and everyday I wonder why I'm living still, what I have to live for and why am I letting others worry about me still. I think that if I die, then people will be a lot less sad than if I stay alive. I'm a burden.

    I've had a bunch of family problems (emotional abuse and stuff) and I have super low self esteem. I believe that I am horrible, ugly, failing, completely unsuccessful. I accept that I will never have lasting friendship and/or love. I am completely disgusted with myself.

    I am planning to hang myself. I need to find a decent time, but I hope that it will be soon because the sooner I die the better off everyone else will be.

    Like someone mentioned, there is still that 1% of me that wants to live. That believes it's a stage, etc. But the rest of me is too determined, too convinced. Too strong. Most of the day I feel emotionless or extremely sad, so that 1% doesn't have much time to show.

    I know I shouldn't want to die. But I do. So...I don't know what to do, and it scares me. I'm researching ways to kill myself, typing up suicide notes, getting everything ready, y'know?


    Other stuff...hm...I can't talk to anyone (but my therapist -_-) about this because a) I don't get along with my parents about stuff like MDD b) My friends are depressed or going through major stuff.

    So...I guess, I hate myself for living, but I hate myself for wanting to die/dying. How screwed up is that.
  5. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    Note: It's a bit too late to be posting here, maybe. I'm planning to off myself this friday or on the weekend sometime. Gives me time to keep planning, give stuff away, etc.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    galefrost, it's not too late, and it won't be. i'm glad you have a therapist, it's good to have at least one person in real life that you can you open up to. have you told your therapist how low you are feeling? please do. i don't want you to take your life, esp. since you have survived so much. you are very very strong to have lived through the emotional abuse. that long list of negative self beliefs are just that, things you believe to be true about yourself. but the are not the truth about you, not by any shot. i bet your friends would add kind, good friend, funny, supportive, survivor, and more.

    please reconsider. stick around and let us help you,

  7. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    heh...I did tell my therapist...but it's complicated, right? I mean, if I tell her too much, I get put in a ward. It probably won't help, and things will get worse. So...I don't know. And right now I'm out of town because my parents refuse to believe anything's wrong and took me along on a trip. So even if I wanted to see my therapist this week, it's not possible. I'm alone with my mom and she isn't helping me at all. She's just asking me to help her set up her computer and she's acting giddy no matter what I tell her. Right now, she's trying to convince me to go for a walk. For her benefit, of course. And she has the GALL to complain about how I'm not any fun.

    This is my daily routine. Putting up with people who don't care and who refuse to believe that they don't. How should I expect any different, right? It's how I've lived my life.

    If I could actually get help, I would stay. But nothing seems to help. I'm a burden for everyone, and everyone is getting tired of having me around, I can feel it... Though they would never say it aloud, most of them would be better off with me dead.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that feeling like everyone would be better off, that's depression talking and it's lieing to you. don't listen. it's simply not true.

    i get that you are tired of being taken for granted, esp. by your family but your death would devastate them. it really would.

    as for being committed, it won't necessarily happen. i was acutely suicidal for about 3 months, as in, thinking about it almost 24/7, made one attempt, several close calls. it just meant that the hospital increased the services available to me - extra phone calls from the pscych nurse, extra home visits, and a really strong 'care plan' as in... specific steps for me to follow in order to get better.

    your therapist is a great place to start... but maybe you need more supports right now? there's always the hotline, that's a 1-800 number you can call from anywhere for free. are you in the states?

    when do you get back home? call your therapist now and make an emergency appt for your first day back.

    when you are this close to trying it's a pretty serious situation, even tho you might not see it 'cos you're just in the middle of it all...

  9. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    I know that my death would devastate them..I mean, I guess it hasn't sunk in that they'd really, really be affected by it...

    Really? I have a few friends that were committed as soon as they said they were planning to... The phone calls, home visits and care plan would be helpful, maybe..

    Yeah, I live in Canada but we have a few crisis lines. I never call though, because it takes too long to explain and usually the lines are busy anyways =_=

    I have an appointment. It's just...I have to make sure that I don't die before it... because, for example, now I'm sort of ok (low, but coping), and I don't want to necessarily kill myself. But what if thursday night, on the way back home, I get really depressed? So..I guess we'll see..

    I guess it is serious, although you're right, it's hard for me to realize that it is...because I've been like this for a while. Anyways, thanks catherine. Take care :)
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    yeah, the suicide line here is only open 6pm to 10pm, so i know about busy signals and all. thing is, it's hard to explain properly, but it's just such a relief to have a kind, thoughtful and non judgmental person listening on the other end of the phone... when i called the suicide line i didn't explain it all... or get into the whole back story, but we just chatted and little by little i was able to say how low i was, how i'd planned to drown myself later that night but the more we talked, the urges slowly went away. when we got off the phone i just tucked up into bed, wrote a little bit, and went to sleep. it was like having a little chat on the phone lifted my worries and depression for a few hours, and that was all i needed to get through that night. i could start again, fresh, the next day. when i called i thought to myself, i'm not gonna leave this world knowing that i haven't tried all the resources available to me.... they are just one small resource but i wouldn't underestimate the power of a phone call,

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