I'm only writing this because I'm so close and not 100% sure, just 90%.
Its been 5 long months since my world was shattered. I couldn't work at all for the first 3 months but clawed my way back to 'normality' to survive. Psychiatrist hasn't helped much and the psychologist wasn't overly helpful until recently when he began to delve into my 'feelings'. Before that I raved on and on and on about the 'facts'. Most days I am down so I keep busy with work. Its a convenient escape method. But not for any extended period of time. A couple of weeks ago came the lowest part of this horrible journey and I can't seem to pick myself up again.
Yesterday I let go of the only real lifeline I had - the psychologist. I didn't want to talk about my 'situation' so I talked about other things - things that took me to a time and place where I was happy and 'normal'. At the end of the session he said how worried he had been over the past week but was glad to see that today I was 'engaged'. Did I need to see him again? WTF???? I said no because I felt he was 'through' with me. More rejection, more misunderstanding.
I was devastated when I left his office. He was suitably impressed that he had got me through. So today I have worked it all out. I have sat for hours with my journal and updated it. I have written letters to each of my 4 children, to my sod of a husband and my best friend who both had the capacity to totally destroy everything I was and believed in. Neither of them has owned up to anything. All I have ever got is their silence. My anger has dissipated and now there is just this horrid feeling of bleak, dark, nothing - no hope, no future, no nothing. No point in continuing my life as there isn't a life to continue with. I am 51 years old, and to my horror I have nothing left to start over with. My husband made sure of that. Maybe I could have got through this with a financial base but he wracked up so much debt I didn't know about that there will be absolutely nothing.
Strangely, I work in a caring profession and yet only one colleague has cared enough to call me on occasion when he hasn't heard how I'm doing. My friends think after 5 months I should be picking up the pieces and moving on. My kids are going thru their own struggles in this living hell so 'hide' away in their rooms. My mother doesn't understand - she believes she has been betrayed also! She tries but she doesn't see her needs usurp mine.
So.........I have put all my plans together in my mind. Filled a prescription this afternoon after looking up the drug on the internet and got the confirmation I needed that enough of these will do the trick. I thought a nice bottle of red will go nicely with them. A quiet little carpark by the sea so I have something pleasant to look at will round off the experience. In preparation I mentioned I have written in my journal - I want people to KNOW what this has been like for me. I have planned a text to my psychologist - not sure why. I wonder if I leave my phone on will my location be able to be discovered? Perhaps I should turn it off to make sure.
Then this got me thinking - do I really, really want to go through with it? Do I want him to do something to find me? If I succeed, what will it do to my kids? On the one hand, they'd be better off without me in more ways than one. Yet why have I always said that I couldn't do this to them when asked questions about self harm from the so called professionals? What do I do with that 10% of doubt? A living nightmare is no fun but general practitioner, psychiatrist, psychologist, professional colleague, spiritual director, friends have all been unable to alleviate this darkness. I just want it to end.
Its been 5 long months since my world was shattered. I couldn't work at all for the first 3 months but clawed my way back to 'normality' to survive. Psychiatrist hasn't helped much and the psychologist wasn't overly helpful until recently when he began to delve into my 'feelings'. Before that I raved on and on and on about the 'facts'. Most days I am down so I keep busy with work. Its a convenient escape method. But not for any extended period of time. A couple of weeks ago came the lowest part of this horrible journey and I can't seem to pick myself up again.
Yesterday I let go of the only real lifeline I had - the psychologist. I didn't want to talk about my 'situation' so I talked about other things - things that took me to a time and place where I was happy and 'normal'. At the end of the session he said how worried he had been over the past week but was glad to see that today I was 'engaged'. Did I need to see him again? WTF???? I said no because I felt he was 'through' with me. More rejection, more misunderstanding.
I was devastated when I left his office. He was suitably impressed that he had got me through. So today I have worked it all out. I have sat for hours with my journal and updated it. I have written letters to each of my 4 children, to my sod of a husband and my best friend who both had the capacity to totally destroy everything I was and believed in. Neither of them has owned up to anything. All I have ever got is their silence. My anger has dissipated and now there is just this horrid feeling of bleak, dark, nothing - no hope, no future, no nothing. No point in continuing my life as there isn't a life to continue with. I am 51 years old, and to my horror I have nothing left to start over with. My husband made sure of that. Maybe I could have got through this with a financial base but he wracked up so much debt I didn't know about that there will be absolutely nothing.
Strangely, I work in a caring profession and yet only one colleague has cared enough to call me on occasion when he hasn't heard how I'm doing. My friends think after 5 months I should be picking up the pieces and moving on. My kids are going thru their own struggles in this living hell so 'hide' away in their rooms. My mother doesn't understand - she believes she has been betrayed also! She tries but she doesn't see her needs usurp mine.
So.........I have put all my plans together in my mind. Filled a prescription this afternoon after looking up the drug on the internet and got the confirmation I needed that enough of these will do the trick. I thought a nice bottle of red will go nicely with them. A quiet little carpark by the sea so I have something pleasant to look at will round off the experience. In preparation I mentioned I have written in my journal - I want people to KNOW what this has been like for me. I have planned a text to my psychologist - not sure why. I wonder if I leave my phone on will my location be able to be discovered? Perhaps I should turn it off to make sure.
Then this got me thinking - do I really, really want to go through with it? Do I want him to do something to find me? If I succeed, what will it do to my kids? On the one hand, they'd be better off without me in more ways than one. Yet why have I always said that I couldn't do this to them when asked questions about self harm from the so called professionals? What do I do with that 10% of doubt? A living nightmare is no fun but general practitioner, psychiatrist, psychologist, professional colleague, spiritual director, friends have all been unable to alleviate this darkness. I just want it to end.
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