Oh so worthless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scum, Apr 3, 2009.

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  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I have been told that I'm going to lose my therapy unless I can lower my levels of SI. My SI is extreme and is heading me towards a section and death. I am trying so bloody hard, and yet there is no point when I'm going to lose the person who is supposed to help me.

    When things get bad for other people, they get support, maybe more support. When things get bad for me, people walk away, or turn me away. Why? what is it that makes me SO worthless that everyone else gets treatment and I don't.

    This is going to kill me, and now I won't be seeing anyone I can do what I want to my hearts content. I don't have anyone to be accountable to now. They have given me a license to kill myself. I was trying to live, but I'm realising that it's futile.

    They want me to die so I should just fucking hurry up and do it.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You're in such a difficult place and it sounds horrific.

    Are they offering to help you reduce your levels of SI through therapy or practical steps they put in place when people are at your stage, or are they saying, 'It's up to you to do that yourself?'

    You're not worthless, but when people who are supposed to care for you turn you away, that can aid the feeling of worthlessness more and the SI might spiral out of control.

    Do you see anyone else apart from the therapist you mention who treats SI, for support?
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I have just come to the end of my block of sessions with this therapist and she told me that the PCT will only consider giving me more funding for more sessions if I can improve my levels of SI. My T said she will give me a further two sessions and in that time she wants to work on it with me.

    That would be all well and good if it were in my control, because then I COULD stop. But it's not in my control. I only ever SI under dissociation. I get things called command hallucinations which tell me what to do and how and I normally compromise with it so that I do less severe things than what it wants. If I don't do anything, then it does severe things to me. The last time I tried to fight I lost time and ended up in hospital pretty ill. Compromising with it keeps me safe, but she wants to reduce that, thus making me unsafe.

    No, I see no one else. My CMHT have deemed me too complex to help, so I don't get any support from them (no CPN, no psych, no social worker, etc), just my T. My GP can't do anything either. He just says he will leave things up to my T to sort out because she is the expert.

    The positive is that my current command is something that has led to me being sectioned before so at least if I'm not seeing anyone I can get on with it, and when I have achieved it the command will ease and I'll get a break. Yes, it might (or rather, probably will) kill me, but a break is a break.
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Have you tried getting an advocate?

    The PCT do not know what you're going through and assumes that your SI is under control, when you're clearly saying you're out of control, which I can fully empathise with as I've been there with my eating disorder.

    With an advocate, they should support you in getting the care you need and appealing constantly to the PCT for more funding so you can continue therapy with your T, because the PCT do not know the nature of your dissociation and are not experts.

    If you find your T, helpful, then advocates from MIND or any local MH advocacy organisation (if you ask your PCT they might tell you of any) will attempt to keep your therapy sessions going, because you are being deprived of help when you urgently need it. They might ensure that you get support from your CMHT, even if it's a social worker, which can be a helpful anchor when you're dissociating, dying and SI'ing because they have a duty to care for you and monitor you and prevent you from dying. Saying you are too complex to help is not good enough. A social worker and regular psych appointments might not solve your problems, but at least, if you want it, they should do constant risk assessments, monitor you, and provide you with practical support. If you get in touch with an advocate they can attend all sessions at your CMHT with you, support your voice and offer you options when it comes to your treatment and the lack of what you're getting from your CMHT and PCT.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you. That's REALLY helpful.

    Unfortunately I told me T that I couldn't cut down and she told me that if I came back next week it was because I'm 'willing to play the game' and cut down to get the funding.

    I'm all in a mess with this. But thank you so much for that.
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That's ok! :smile:

    I don't know how you feel about your T's comment.... but I do hope things get better when you get the support and care you need around you. :hug:
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Yeh, I don't know how I feel about that too. I think maybe she was trying to use herself as a weapon to get me to come back, because she knows I have a huge attachment with her. I have two sessions left and I think maybe she was just trying to get me to realise?

    They also had a meeting with the guy at the hospital whose care I am under, and I did wonder if that also had something to do with her different approach. They are aware that my SI is severe and is potentially going to kill me, maybe they were just trying to find a way to get me to slow down a bit.

    I can't help but feel that if that's what they are doing, that it's backfired.
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    When you say it's backfired, do you mean, that comments, seen in what your T said, is making your SI and dissociation worse?

    Or do you mean that you think the guy whose care you're under and your T are deliberately trying to get the PCT to stop funding so you will slow down?
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    No I mean like they are trying to use my attachment with my T to keep my in therapy, and that's not worked because right now I would consider myself to not be in therapy. I don't see how I can go back and see her when I can't 'play the game'.
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I understand what you're saying when you say you don't see yourself in therapy unless you 'play the game,' which, from what I read, is very difficult to do as you feel so out of control.

    It's awful isn't it? When you're so vulnerable and at risk of death, all this, shouldn't be seen as 'a game.'

    Maybe your therapist and the support she can offer to help your health at this stage- the dissociation and commands, will get clearer once you get some support on your side in the form of an advocate, telling your therapist and PCT clearly, what's going on for you and what you need from them.
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member


    I'm really scared of risking it. I will be effectively fighting with the commands at the very small chance I will be able to carry on with my T.

    I'm so confused. I'm also feeling so desperate. I've considered stuff in the past few days that I hadn't for a while. Yes, this is killing me, but I actually considered willing suicide and choosing to take my life. I've tried to hard to live and now it all seems futile.
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You sound so alone, scared and wanting to take your life is so understandable. I do hope that you don't but I hear your struggle and your isolation.

    It is a great risk to reach out when you're at a vulnerable stage like now. :hug:

    I read that your T is wanting you to stop compromising, thus making you more unsafe. This is important in letting an advocate know that she is risking your safety.

    Like you say, when you fight it or try to stop it, it's more unsafe for you.

    Do you feel safe in her sessions? Do you feel like you can trust her and that she has your safety as first priority?
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Yeh, I do feel safe with her. She's actually the only person who helps me feel safe. I have a level of trust for her, or rather, I did, until she turned out to be like the rest of them by abandoning me when I need her so much.

    I don't know how she intends to cut down on my SI, and what strategies she wants to use. She really gets everything I say and she listens. She's the best therapist I've come across. What I have been doing recently, SI wise, is a left over compromise from mid-march, and she wants to cut that back, thus it not being a good enough compromise anymore. She doesn't want me to stop completely, she says that would not be sensible, she just wants me to cut back, but even that us such a scary prospect. she really, really knows her stuff. She is very good at what she does. I guess I'm too complex for her too, despite her being the only damn person I've come across who has made any sort of effort, and she works with people 'like me' on a daily basis.

    My T is not the problem (although she has become the problem), the problem is the funding and what I have to do to get that. My T is the messenger of that.

    It's all such a mess. I always said I could keep fighting if there was hope. Soon, there may be no hope.
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That's good to hear you have a safe relationship and she listens and understands you. A lot of what you write is full of light, hope and relief in how she is responding to you which sounds great. :smile:

    But like you say you're unsure of how she intends to cut down your SI and her strategies when you're at a place where you are now (which was what I thought too). Maybe, you could ask her how she thinks she could help you cut back without it frightening you so much, and how to cope with the anxiety and dissociation and commands. Then again, I hear you don't even know if you'll see her after the next two sessions, which I can imagine feels threatening, frightening and hopeless.

    But, there's so much hope in the sessions you describe about your therapist! And there is a way of getting funding because there are people who will ensure that sessions with your T and CMHT are consistent.
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for the replies.

    Having just read what you wrote I just realised something. I feel manipulated by her/the situation. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I have no power. That could potentially really damage the realtionship if we do continue.

    I need to talk to her and tell her that and I need to find out how she intends to tackle the SI. I will call her and try to find out about it. Shame it's a Friday, I can't call until Monday, but I think that's what I have to do. Then I have a couple of days to decide whether or not to go to the next session.

    But then, if I contact her, that means I have given in and she wins. Them playing on my attachment has been successful.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You sound so insightful and I'm glad to have talked to you because I've gone through very similar things.

    I think contacting her could be a good move, you might get a clearer idea as to what she plans to do.

    If you contact her and ask her direct questions, it doesn't mean that she has won. Rather, it might make you feel more in control and in charge about your care by letting her know that you are worried about dynamic and future of the relationship? I don't think they are consciously playing on your attachment, because they take it for granted(? just a thought). But you know how much attachment is a crucial issue for you and maybe this is another thing you might need to address when talking to her, because it is such a huge issue.

    I have to go, but I do wish you all the best on Monday and hope that things get cleared up between you and your therapist. There is so much hope and potential in what you write about your therapist, but I did hear your confusion and feelings of powerlessness about what had been going on recently with your T, which might have made things worse with the dissociation. I don't know though.

    I will be thinking of you.
  17. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your replies GGG, they have been so much appreciated.

    She did say that she thought our bond would allow me to be able to work with her or something, I can't remember, but it just made me wonder if they were playing on it, that's all.

    I will talk to her though. I wrote her a long letter after seeing her this week, and sent it, so she should have that now. I don't know whether to call her and ask direct questions or write another letter to tell her what my concerns are, although I won't get an answer that way.
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Scum Have they checked you for skyzophrenia?? I have been thru the whole med regiments and my shrink decided to try a med for skyzophrenia on me and It has helped with my SI and the shadows I see all the time.. The only draw back is it makes me tired all the time..I still take all my other meds for my other problems but that skyzo med has definitley helped with SI.. Maybe check in to that and see if it helps you...Take Care!!
  19. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm not schizophrenic. They haven't mentioned anti-psychotics, but right now I'm med free completely. She has said I have psychotic tendencies, but nothing more than that. I'm happy being med free, I don't particularly think there is anything wrong with me, to be honest. Plus meds always seem to mess with me more than being med free.

    Thanks for the reply :)

    * * * *

    I'm really struggling with this at the moment. It just seems so easy to just do 'something'. I don't even care about those around me and normally if I get to a place where 'something' is an option I can rationalise it with I don't want to be in hospital, or I don't want people to know how much I have been struggling, etc. That doesn't matter right now. I just want it to go away.
  20. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    My T called me this morning, and that has eased the intensity of my need to die, so I just wanted to thank those that read, and those that responded, especially GGG for being so helpful. Thank you.
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