oh well

Ive been going it by myself for over month now and its been a battle and i hvnt lost suicide thghts yet and im not looking for help and im not excepting any as ive chosen to go it alone.My hardest prob is trying to stay up rght in front of ppl ive hoodwinked most as everyone thnks im looking better maybe i am on the outside but i still have my plan on the inside.Life aint getting better it gets worse the more i thnk about sht everyday the more i really need to destroy myself um fallen into drinking heavy.Ive tryed the meet new ppl crap and just cant (i dont know how to explain what)I have a plan and its not good thght i was getting there but i keep falling bck into a depressed state of mind and i dont want this for me or my children.I want the end i have no life left in me what so ever.With no out look or life what is better hmmm dont take a brain surgeon to work it out.

 

Gav (hugs)

don't give up, please don't, you've made it a month and that's a huge achievement in itself - please try to look at it like that, shit has hit the fan and you have kept going and that is AWESOME, don't underestimate what an achievement that is, you are stronger than you think you are. please don't give up yet, not yet, keep looking ahead and putting one foot in front of the other!

much love, please please keep talking to us

 

Yep a month of pretending to be alrght just so i can see my kids and etc im sick of pretending im what i am now lifeless alcoholic worthless cant get my sht togeather looser list goes on.Ive tried is all i could do i m out to destroy myself and im going to let it happen thts fate.

 

please come back and talk, we are all here for you. you are not any of those things, you had a bunch of terrible shit happen at once and it is really hard to deal with. i am not even trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation here, i know things are bad, but please please don't blame yourself for all of it, or think that this is something that is just part of you. you are going through a rough time but this rough time does not define who you are, your whole life wasn't this bad, just some terrible shit has gone down and you have to get through it

please keep holding on
(hugs)

 

Molotov i have the alot of respect for you and others here and i hope everyone here finds the path they need but my path ran out in the middle of 08 it 2010 now and i cant find tht path anymore ive tried help ive tried meds ive done everything to be happy it dont work and as fcked up as this will sound ive spent a good month and a bit with my kids and i still dont find enjoyment out of life sad hey.I just cant find happiness and tht fcks me off let alone ppl around me.

 

man, i am not even asking you to find happiness right now, i know that is a long-ass road. i am just saying that right now you are down and at least one person in your life is kicking you while you are there.. and that is one of the awesome (...) things about depression, is that you don't enjoy the things you know you generally do (like being with your kids) and then you just feel guilty. it has nothing to do with whether you are personally capable of happiness as a human being, you say yourself that up til 2008 you had it pretty good... now you are in a bad place, but this does not have to be the way things end!

what's the rest of the situation right now? do you have a place to stay? are you getting therapy? are you in contact with the rest of your family? what happened to the new girl?

 

I dont do therapy anymore i dont even see my doc as this is my prob i need to find the source of an outcomethe new girl same deal im a weed they go after the built guy tht dont bother me as i dont want somebody in my life at the moment.I have a reasonal amout of logic still not all depression i know im a screw upmy father told me this for years as well as my teachers and ive done nothing but prove it

 

Im up and im down more im stressing over the littlest thng and all just is stupid just cant get my head around this shit coming from a high rght bck down into the gutter again i dont want to keep doing this i get stressed to easy i worry to easy i become real low easy wtf im loosing sleep again and worst of all im getting suicide thghts and i find getting help isnt doing much as i walk back into reality and its all still there.Im totally exhausted and really hate this way of living.