Oh why do I keep on blaming myself for this shit.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by 1112222, Oct 26, 2010.

  1. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this but I couldn't think of anywhere else.
    But for few past years I've wanted to get this off my chest so bear with me because right because right now I feel like a no good mother fucker.

    Now I've have mentioned this before but when I was 12 (three months shy of 13th birthday to be exact) I started having a secret relationship with a women who was 30 years my senior. Now the women in question was a school librarian/part time teacher who taught at my future high school and was one of the few people outside my family that had treated me with any sort of human kindness. Now before everything had started I had known the women and her family for about 3 months as every Saturday I would mow their lawns and clean her house. So Shortly after I had gotten to known her I had began to develop a massive crush on her and enjoyed spending time with her as being around her made me feel good about myself and then it began

    All I can say is that one day after I had finished mowing the lawns she called me into her room and we started to have sex. Now In all honestly I enjoyed the attention and even felt flattered that an attractive older women such as herself would choose a fuck up like me as a secret lover when she could of chosen any young man she wanted. Whenever I saw her, she would make me feel special and appreciated as I was showered with gifts such clothes and video games. Now at first I figured once I started high school our relationship was going end but again I was wrong. After my first week of high school She got my a school job as a student library assistant which meant that I would end up spending the next two and half years having sex with her in a library storage room.

    Now by the time I was 15 I had started to realize that my relationship with her was not normal. By my 3rd year of high school I wasn't as hostile towards boys and girls my age and had made quite a few new friends which meant that I no longer needed her. Things only got worse as I spent more and more time with girls my age, I figured out that she didn't love me at all and I was being used. It took another six months to break up but I did it after I had found out that she lied to me about being pregnant.

    Personally I thought that this was going to be the end of it, there was no way that she would be dumb enough to tell anyone however I was wrong.
    Turns out that her husband had known about it for more than a year and was simply waiting for the right time to confront her. Also teachers at my school found out about us and she was fried and blacklisted from teaching ever again in most of New Zealand. Things got much worse her entire family was shunned by both the community and her church . Shit really hit the fan as even though her husband would eventuality get sole custody of her children.... 2 years later He ended killing himself because he could no longer live with the shame of what his beloved wife did. On and off for the past 12 years I've felt both guilty and responsible for the shit that happened after.

    Now lets fast forward to 2010 last Saturday her oldest daughter had her wedding, which I went to because I like her. For the past 12 years the women has blamed me for everything. When we were alone on that day she yelled me and saying that I was to blame for her marriage falling apart and the destruction of her life. I had finely had enough and told her to shove it.
    For next 2 days I felt good however this feeling was short lived.
    For some unknown reason today I still feel guilty about destroying her marriage.Her husband was a good man who had treated me with respect and believed that I could turn my life around. I've always felt responsible for his death as I felt that I betrayed his trust in my both me and his wife. I also feel guilty about how my actions affected her children who had all liked me and thought of me as a family friend. Because of me for the next several years they had to deal with the fallout that had occurred from my relationship with their mother.

    And most likely I'm am always going to blame myself for this.
    I wasn't forced into anything as I was a willing participant as all the sex we had was consensual. Nor was I not capable of ending it, by the time I was 13 I was six feet tall and nearly 95kgs which meant that I was much bigger than her. I could of easily said no or ended it off long before shit had hit the fan but I didn't.

    I can live with the fact that she will never go to jail for this.

    But at 27 I'm still finding it hard to live with all the guilt.
    I really have no idea why I keep blaming myself for this but I still do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2010
  2. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    This isn't the right spot, this is a area to vent. Unless... you are venting just doesn't look like it...
     
  3. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    Ok if there are any mods who are reading this could you please delete this thread.

    Thank you.