its hard to get words out now. my concentration isn;t good. earlier today I had a massive breakdown. I was feeling like I was struggling all day and then a few tears came through, and suddenly BAM I couldn't stop it. I gripped my hair with my hands screamed so hard my voice diddnt come through and scratched down my face with my fingernails. I was hystericly crying. To the point where I started heaving, so I went to the bathroom, where I just lay on the floor with a towel and screamed into my hands, hitting the tiles and bashing my head on the floor. I have a hard head apprently, there no cuts, which is good. I was like this for about 30 mins of so. Now I'm pale, I look almost jaundiced, my eyes are sunken and red, I'm shakey, jittery and I'm starting to do things. strange things. Like smacking my fingers when I'm standing still e,c.t This doesn't feel like any of the other ones. This feels like I've snapped properlly. I'm actually deathly afraid of myself, because I am capable of doing anything to myself when I get in that state. I have a doctors appountment this friday which is good. I wont be leaving without pills and a referal to psychiatric care. Its just getting myself through the next few days that'll be triky no more loss, cant deal with anymore loss. if I lose one more person I'm going to deffinatly kill myself and succede. I just cant anymore. I've reached my limit for that stuff now. I'm so afraid, I really am.