Ok, broken now, thats it. Done

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lulu rose, Nov 19, 2007.

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  1. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    its hard to get words out now.

    my concentration isn;t good.

    earlier today I had a massive breakdown. I was feeling like I was struggling all day and then a few tears came through, and suddenly BAM I couldn't stop it.

    I gripped my hair with my hands screamed so hard my voice diddnt come through and scratched down my face with my fingernails. I was hystericly crying.

    To the point where I started heaving, so I went to the bathroom, where I just lay on the floor with a towel and screamed into my hands, hitting the tiles and bashing my head on the floor. I have a hard head apprently, there no cuts, which is good.

    I was like this for about 30 mins of so.

    Now I'm pale, I look almost jaundiced, my eyes are sunken and red, I'm shakey, jittery and I'm starting to do things. strange things. Like smacking my fingers when I'm standing still e,c.t

    This doesn't feel like any of the other ones. This feels like I've snapped properlly. I'm actually deathly afraid of myself, because I am capable of doing anything to myself when I get in that state.

    I have a doctors appountment this friday which is good. I wont be leaving without pills and a referal to psychiatric care. Its just getting myself through the next few days that'll be triky

    no more loss, cant deal with anymore loss. if I lose one more person I'm going to deffinatly kill myself and succede. I just cant anymore. I've reached my limit for that stuff now.

    I'm so afraid, I really am.
     
  2. hope23

    hope23 Active Member

    lulu, I'm so sorry, that sounds like an awful experience. Did something specific happen to cause this? Are you alone right now? It's great that you have a doctor's appointment soon and that you're determined to get the help you need. Sorry, no good at giving advice but wanted to say I hear ya.:hug:
    Stay safe
     
  3. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    well I'm always alone. I live with my dad who works for himself so he can pay the bills.

    He works from 8am until anytime after 6pm most nights, alot of the time he doesnt stop until 8pm, then hes usually out in the night, so on average I'll see him around an hour, maybe 2 per day.

    Nothing specific really happened. I just couldn't supress it, once I let a little sob come out, before I knew it, everything came out.

    It's like theres 2 people. theres laura the girl I used to be, shes the one whos "ok" shes aware that things arent good at the moment but she doesn't want to die.

    Then theres Rose

    shes the one who's dependant on keith (if you want to know the full story check my posts, the whole story is there and you'll know who keith is) who lives only for keith and who cant hate him no matter how much he ignores her.

    Shes the one who when she takes over, I have an episode. I cant control it, and I have to keep going and going until she tires out.

    right now Laura is in charge, I'm ok in the sense that I'm not crying and I'm not thinking of dieing. Though theres no telling how long it will last

    guess I'm old news now.
     
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