Many things have been going on these few months and years. Frankly speaking, I have been holding on for so long and being mentally strong for myself and others. These few nights have been my worst. I have been uncontrollably breaking down into million of pieces and have been sobbing until I feel totally exhausted and fell asleep. I have been seeing a psychologist recently and haven't had the courage to tell her I have been secretly and silently planning for my expiry. I am scared I will not be able to control and hold on any longer. People will tell me to hold on or go get myself admitted into the hospital for safety. Comeon, I am also a human being and I have my ups and downs too. I am okay in the daytime and this depressive episode only affects me at night. Guess, I need to pluck up some courage to ask to see a psychiatrist and see what he can do to help me. I hoped it's not Valium again. I am allergic to it. Typing a bit hard to read cos I am typing on my phone and my eyes are so full of tears until I cannot see what I typed clearly. I go locked my windows.